Uncensored - Kristen Schaal - Switching Gears

Kristen Schaal: Live at the Fillmore Season 1, Ep 101 04/01/2013 Views: 5,619

Kristen Schaal's surreal brand of whimsy doesn't appeal to everyone. (4:28)

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Sorry about that.

I'm surewe'll edit that out.

Um, I...

Um...[clears throat]

So, I was lookingfor my note cards.

I jotted some stuff down.

Somethingthat I've come to realize

is that the humor thatI've been schlepping lately,

the surreal brand of whimsy,

is not the most popular,

what's in right nowis autobiographical humor,

like Louis C.K.,or Michael Richards, so...

[laughter]

I've been avoiding it.

All this stuff is not me.

I don't like to talkabout myself on stage.

It's not interesting to me,

but I'm trying to switch gears,so, this is my shot,

this is my special,

and so here are some thingsabout me, um,

for better or worse.

Okay, so, I--okay, I like to drink.

Well, okay.

[cheers and applause]

Um, I will usuallyhave to drink a whole bottle

in one night because,you know, when you're alone,

you can't leta Chardonnay go to waste.

Um, like...

[scattered cheersand clapping]

So, I was drunk, and every yearI throw a Super Bowl party,

and this year I was drunk whenI was making the invitations,

and I put a spacebetween the "B" and the "O,"

and next thing I knew,I had a house full of guests

dressed in the most superb owlcostumes I've ever seen, so...

[laughter and cheering]

That happened.

[cheers and applause]

I was on an elevatorin Midtown Manhattan,

and this particular day,I was joined by Usher.

And I was like, "Holy cow!

"This is my opportunityto ambush-audition

for Usher,a la Justin Bieber."

Because I have the goods.

I've got the pipes,I've got the song.

My first song would be...

♪ I don't wantto hold you back ♪

♪ I just want

♪ to hold you back

[laughter and cheering]

Same words,just different emotion.

You know, it's genius.

But I didn't say anything.

I-I just was likean elevator wallflower,

and I've been kickingmyself about it for weeks now,

and I was like,

"Well, at least you gota ride on an elevator, so..."

[laughter]

So, I lost some moneyin an investment the other year,

because I wanted to open a petsalon that was gothic themed,

and I was going tocall it Catacombs.

[laughter and applause]

I dancelike no one's watching,

but I make lovelike everyone is.

[laughter]

Everyone.

Okay.

So, a couple years ago,I went on a date with a man,

and he was like,"Hey, I bought you pizza.

"Why don't we go backto my place and do a little--

wah-wah-wah?"

And I was like, "What?"

He's like, "We'll doa little--wah-wah-wah."

And I was like, "I thinkyou're pantomime's off."

And he was like, "Is it?

Or do I justhave a hook dick?"

Wah-wah, boom, boom.

[cheers and applause]

And he did, and...

we--we went on a few moredates after that, um...

[laughter]

I went to the gynecologist,and--which I have never been.

[laughter]

So, there we go.I guess...

[cheers and applause]

Well, thank you.