Greg Fitzsimmons - Youthful Acne

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 12/28/1998
  • Views: 7,734

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

IT'S NICE TO BE HERE.

I TURNED 32 LAST WEEK,WHICH IS ODD.

IT'S A WEIRD AGE TO BE,YOU KNOW, 32 YEARS OLD.

IT'S JUST LIKE...

HOW OLD ARE YOU, SIR?

EIGHTEEN.

EIGHTEEN?

YOU LOOK LIKE( bleep ).

I JUSTTURNED 32.

WOW.

32 IS WEIRD 'CAUSE I'M NOTREALLY YOUNG ANYMORE, YOU KNOW

BUT I'M NOT REALLY OLD YET.

I'M KIND OF STUCKIN THAT AWKWARD IN-BETWEEN STAGE

WHERE MY HAIRIS JUST STARTING TO FALL OUT

BUT I'M STILL MAINTAININGMY YOUTHFUL ACNE.

SO, PHYSICALLY

IT'S ALL REALLY COMING TOGETHERFOR ME RIGHT NOW.

SOON I'LL BE STROLLING AROUNDIN A PAIR OF DEPENDS

POPPING ZITS ON MY BALD HEAD.

( laughter )

I WISH I WAS A BLACK GUY.

IF YOU'RE A BLACK GUY,YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD, RIGHT?

LOOK AT THIS GUY...ANY BLACK GUY.

COULD BE THE UGLIEST

BLACK GUYIN CALIFORNIA--

YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD

EVERYONE WOMAN'S LIKE, "MM-HMM."

( laughter )

EVER SEEA WHITE GUY

SHAVE HIS HEAD?

EVERYBODY'S LIKE...

"LEUKEMIA?"

( laughter and applause )

BLACK GUYS GETTING LAID,I'M GETTING CHEMOTHERAPY.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

YOU DON'T WANTTO LOSE ALL YOUR HAIR

'CAUSE THEN YOU'RE JUST ANGRY.

EVERYBODY KNOWSWHY YOU'RE ANGRY.

YOU'RE BALD. YOU HAVE NO HAIR.

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE

"WAITRESS,THIS DAMN COFFEE'S COLD!"

IT'S LIKE, "LET ME FRESHENTHAT UP FOR YOU, BALD GUY."

( squeaking sounds )

BUT I'M FIGHTING BACK.

I GOT THE ROGAINE.

I BOUGHT SOME ROGAINE.

( man cheering )

YEAH, CHEER.

I AM, UH... MY FRIEND GOES,"IF YOU'RE GOING TO USE ROGAINE

"JUST PUT IT SOMEWHERE

YOU'RE GOING TO REMEMBERTO USE IT EVERY DAY."

SO I PUT IT RIGHT NEXTTO MY PROZAC.

BUT NOW IT JUST FEELSREALLY PATHETIC

USING BOTH THESE PRODUCTSAT THE SAME TIME, YOU KNOW

'CAUSE IF EITHER ONE WORKS

I DON'T REALLY NEEDTHE OTHER ONE.

THESE ARE THE BIG BREAKTHROUGHS

IN SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGYIN THE LAST TEN YEARS.

WE HAVE ROGAINE, PROZAC...

NOW WE HAVE VIAGRA.

YOU GET A SENSEOF WHO'S BANKROLLING

MEDICAL RESEARCHIN THIS COUNTRY.

IT'S JUST DEPRESSED,BALDING, WHITE GUYS

WHO CAN'T GET ERECTIONSANYMORE.

GOD FORBID THEY CURESOMETHING IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW

LIKE MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY.

IT'S LIKE, "SORRY,LITTLE JOHNNY, YOU CAN'T GET UP

BUT LOOK, I CAN."

( laughter )

I JUST THINK IT'S PATHETICTHAT WE HAVE CHILDHOOD DISEASES

AND THEY HAVE TO HAVE, LIKE,TELETHONS WHERE PEOPLE, LIKE

YOU KNOW, HAVE TO DO WEIRD STUFFTO RAISE MONEY.

NOBODY WANTSTO JUST CUT A CHECK.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, YEAH,I'LL GIVE YOU SOME MONEY--

IF YOU WANT TO DANCEFOR 72 HOURS."

Loading...