Pat Dixon - Catholics

  • Season 10 , Ep 17
  • 04/13/2006
  • Views: 3,933

Catholics are like Ghostbusters. (5:19)

GREAT OF A PERSON, YOU KNOW. I'M VAIN, SELFISH. I'M LAZY.

IF YOU TAKE LIKE A LISTOF MY HOBBIES,

AND THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS, THERE'S WAY MORE CROSS OVER

REALLY, THAN I'M COMFORTABLE WITH.

'CAUSE I REALLY LIKE THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS,

SOME OF THEM,I LOVE GLUTTONYAND LUST, SLOTH.

A LITTLE BIT OF WRATH AND ENVY, RIGHT?

ONLY IF I CAN'T GET SOME GLUTTONY, LUST, AND SLOTH.

THOSE AREN'T IN THE BIBLE, SEVEN DEADLY SINS.

YOU CAN LEARN A LOT AT CHURCH.

YOU KNOW? I DON'T-- I DON'T GO TO CHURCH.

BUT SOMETIMES IF I DRIVE BY THE SIGN, I'LL READ IT.

I SAW ONE THE OTHER DAY THAT SAID,

"'STOP, DROP, AND ROLL'DOESN'T WORK IN HELL."

- [LAUGHTER] - WOW.

THOSE BAPTISTS MEAN BUSINESS.

BUT I THINK IF YOU'RE DEAD THEN HELL'LL PRETTY MUCH

ALL THE FIRE SAFETY'SOUT THE WINDOW.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I DON'T REALLY HAVE A CODE THAT I LIVE BY

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.I HAVE A MOTTO, I GUESS,WHICH IS PRETTY GOOD.

AND IF YOU HAVE A MOTTO, I THINK YOU SHOULD ALWAYS TRANSLATE IT INTO LATIN.

[LAUGHS] MINE IS IN LATIN. I'LL TELL IT TO YOU NOW.

IT'S "CARPE DIEMPOST CRASTINUM."

WHICH, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T SPEAK LATIN, MEANS,

"SEIZE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW."

I WANT TO SEIZE THE DAY;BUT NOT TODAY, THE DAY.

SOMEDAY I'LL SEIZE THE DAY. SO A LITTLE LATIN FOR YOU.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET THAT AT A CARROT TOP SHOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO TALKING ABOUT LATIN.

NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE USE IT ANYMORE.

CATHOLICS, I GUESS, STILL TALK A LITTLE LATIN.

ARE THERE ANYCATHOLICS HERE TONIGHT?

- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]- REALLY?

WELL, I THINK CATHOLICISM IS FASCINATING.

THERE'S LIKE A REAL RITUALISTIC ASPECT OF IT.

I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT CATHOLICISM FROM THE MOVIES.

LIKE IF THERE'SLIKE A DEMON POSSESSION,

YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES TO CALL.

RIGHT? YOU GUYS ARE LIKE GHOST BUSTERS,

- OR SO THEY REFER-- - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE THAT IN MOVIES, WHEN THEY HAVE CATHOLICS,

IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE IT'S DEMON POSSESSIONS, YOU KNOW,

AND EXORCISMS ANDSTIGMATA, AND ALL THAT--

DOES THAT BOTHER YOU, ALL THIS CREEPY, GORY IMAGERY?

I MEAN, IT'S ALMOST AS CREEPY AS THE REAL CATHOLIC CHURCH.

YOU KNOW, WITH THE PEDOPHILIA AND EVERYTHING.

WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK IS CREEPIER,

DEMON POSSESSION OR PEDOPHILIA?

I MEAN, IF YOU WENT TO A RESTAURANT AND THEY WERE

OUT OF EVERYTHING EXCEPT DEMON POSSESSION...

[LAUGHTER]

AND PEDOPHILIA, WHICH ONE WOULD YOU HAVE?

I THINK IF I HAD A CHOICE OF HAVING EITHER A DEMON

- OR A PRIEST INSIDE ME-- - [GROANS AND LAUGHTER]

AH, I THINK I'M GONNAGO FOR THE DEMON. OKAY?

AT LEAST WHEN THE DEMON'S EXORCISED

IT'S CAST BACK INTO HELL, RIGHT,

INSTEAD OF JUST BEING RELOCATED TO ANOTHER PARISH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT'S NOTHING. I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED THAT.

SOME PEOPLE-- SOMETIMES THEY HEAR THAT AND THEY THINK,

"WELL, YOU HATE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH."

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. I REALLY DON'T.

I HATE AND AVOIDCATHOLIC PEOPLE.

BUT I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST...

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

I ACTUALLY LIKE CATHOLIC PEOPLE.

I FIND THAT CATHOLICS REALLY KNOW HOW

TO BLOW OFF THEIR RELIGION. WHICH I THINK IS IMPORTANT.

IF YOU ASK SOMEBODY LIKE, WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION?

CATHOLIC. REALLY? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO CHURCH?

- NO. - [LAUGHTER]

WHERE DO I SIGN FOR THAT? THAT'S--

AND CATHOLICS ALSO, ARE NOT ANNOYING ABOUT THEIR RELIGION.

I HAVE HAD A CATHOLIC TALKED TO ME ABOUT JESUS...

- [LAUGHTER] - EVER, MAN.

THEY JUST DON'T DO IT. LIKE, WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION?

CATHOLIC. REALLY? WHAT DO YOU GUYS BELIEVE?

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

- THANKS, FATHER. - [LAUGHTER]

MUST BE LATE FOR A FISH FRY.

IT'S NOT TO PICK ON ANYONE RELIGION, YOU KNOW.

NOT WHEN I CAN PICK ON A COUPLE.

ISLAM. ARE YOU GUYS SCARED BY ISLAM?

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT. I DON'T KNOW. SOME PEOPLE ARE SCARED BY IT.

I THINK THAT ISLAM IS--

OH, WELL THEY TELL US THAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND ISLAM.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM IN AMERICA. WE DON'T UNDERSTAND ISLAM.

YEAH, GUILTY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND MORMONS AND THEY'RE ALMOST NORMAL.

AND I DON'T KNOWWHY JEHOVAH'S WITNESSESWANT TO KNOCK ON DOORS,

MUCH LESS WHY MUSLIMS WANNA BLOW STUFF UP.

- YOU GUYS INTO THE BIBLE? - Audience Member: YA-WHEW!

ARE YOU REALLY? THAT'S COOL.

I THINK IF YOU'RE INTO IT THAT'S GREAT, YOU KNOW,

BE INTO YOURRELIGION AND EVERYTHING

BUT KNOW WHAT YOU'RETALKING ABOUT, YOU KNOW.YOU CAN'T JUST BE LIKE,

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, HERE'S WHAT I BELIEVE.

LIKE YOU ASK SOMEBODYSOMETHING LIKE,

YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING IN THE BIBLE? YES.

HAVE YOU READ EVERYTHINGIN THE BIBLE? NO.

OKAY, SO YOU BELIEVE THINGSTHAT YOU HAVEN'T READ?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

THE BIBLE'S KIND OF LIKE THOSE LONG DISCLAIMERS THAT YOU SEE

ON THE INTERNET, RIGHT, 'CAUSE NOBODY READS THOSE EITHER.

YOU JUST SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM AND CLICK, "I AGREE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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