Greg Fitzsimmons - Life Is All Downhill Pt. 2

Greg Fitzsimmons: Life on Stage Season 1, Ep 0101 08/18/2013 Views: 5,490

Greg Fitzsimmons already knows how he wants his life to end. (1:52)

IT JUST GOES DOWNHILL.

EVEN AS A KID.

YOU TURN ONE, THEY STILL LOVEYOU, BUT A LITTLE LESS.

NOW YOU'RE A TODDLER.

NOW YOU CAN WALK.

YOU'RE WALKING AROUND.

PARENTS DROP BACK TO A ZONEDEFENSE.

"WHERE'S JUNIOR?""I DON'T KNOW.

I HEARD A CRASH.

HE'S AROUND."

[laughter]YOU TURN FIVE, AND ONE DAY, YOUR

MOTHER JUST OPENS UP THE FRONTDOOR, WALKS YOU DOWN TO A BUSY

CORNER, AND SAYS, "YOU SEE THATBIG YELLOW BUS?

GET ON IT.

I'LL SEE YOU IN SEVEN HOURS.

HERE'S A NICKEL FOR LUNCH.

GO. GO."

YOU COME HOME AT 18.

YOUR KEY DOESN'T FIT IN THEFRONT DOOR ANYMORE.

YOU JUST HEAR GIGGLING INSIDETHE HOUSE.

[laughter]AND IT JUST KEEPS GOING DOWN.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

GO TO THE HALLMARK AISLE OF YOURLOCAL PHARMACY RIGHT AFTER THE

SHOW.

CHECK OUT THE HALLMARK AISLE.

IT'S THE WHOLE CYCLE OF LIFELAID OUT FOR YOU,

HOW MUCH WE CARE LESS ABOUT YOUAS YOU GET OLDER.

THE FIRST SECTION IS FOR YOURBABY.

"CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BABY."

BLUE CARDS AND PINK CARDS, ANDCONFETTI POPS OUT, AND THERE'S

MUSIC.

THEN YOU GET TO THE YOUNGBIRTHDAYS, SECTION FOR ONE:

ONES, TWO, THREE, UP TO TEN.

THEN THEY START GETTING SMALLER,AND THEY'RE SKIPPING:

20, 40, 70...

GET WELL SOON...

[laughter]SYMPATHY CARDS.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT.

[applause]

DON'T CARE ABOUTTHE SYMPATHY CARD.

YOU SHOULD LIVE SO THAT NOBODYSENDS ANY SYMPATHY--YOU SHOULD

JUST BE SELFISH AND GO CRAZY.

YOUR LIFE--HERE'S HOW I--I WANT MY LIFE TO END LIKE THIS.

JUST ME DRUNK, IN DEBT, RUNNINGDOWN THE STREET.

MY FLY IS OPEN.

I'VE GOT A CREDIT CARD IN MYHAND, AND SMOKE IS COMING OFF OF

IT.

KIDS CHASE ME GOING, "YOU'RE MYDADDY."

AND I'M GOING, "PROBABLY.

COME ON."

[laughter]

"I'LL BUY YOU SOME CAKE.WE'LL CHARGE IT."

[laughter]