Jackie Kashian - Video Games

  • Season 7 , Ep 4
  • 02/27/2003
  • Views: 22,123

The news hates video games, so the news can bite it. (3:17)

I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO

I WOULDN'T HANG OUT WITH, OR WHO

WOULDN'T HANG OUT WITH ME.

AND LIKE--

'CAUSE I LIKE VIDEO GAMES.

I AM NOT THE DEMOGRAPHIC

OF THE VIDEO GAME LOVER,

BUT I LOVE THE VIDEO GAME.

I AM NOT A 6-YEAR-OLD BOY

WHO COLLECTS ACTION FIGURES.

NOR AM I A 26-YEAR-OLD MAN

WHO COLLECTS ACTION FIGURES.

BUT I LOVE THE VIDEO GAMES.

AND THE NEWS HATES THE VIDEO

GAMES.

SO, I HATE THE NEWS.

THAT'S RIGHT, PISS OFF, NEWS.

I LIKE THE NEWS.

THE NEWS IS FULL OF CRAZIES,

WHO WANT ME TO BE SCARED ALL THE

TIME.

SO, THEY CAN JUST BITE IT.

AND I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME FOR

THE NEWS.

NO, THE NEWS--

"DO SKITTLES CAUSE VD?

FIND OUT AT 6:00."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE NEWS IS ALWAYS TRYING

TO SCARE YOU.

AND THE ADS TRY TO SCARE YOU.

DOH!

I JUST--

IT MAKES ME SO MAD WHEN--

WE'VE ALL SEEN THE AD FOR BURIAL

INSURANCE, RIGHT?

BURIAL INSURANCE.

WITH THE TWO OLD WOMEN SITTING

AT THE KITCHEN TABLE,

2:00 IN THE MORNING, TALKING

ABOUT THEIR OLD, DEAD FRIEND,

WHO'S LIKE THE, OBVIOUSLY,

THE WORST OLD, DEAD PERSON EVER

'CAUSE SHE DIDN'T GET BURIAL

INSURANCE.

AND NOW, HER GRANDKIDS ARE GONNA

HAVE TO EAT CAT FOOD, SO THAT

THEY CAN FIND THE MONEY TO BURY

HER.

NO!

THEY WILL BURY YOU.

OH, MY GOD, I WANT TO FIND THE

OLD PEOPLE AND SAY, "DON'T BUY--

WHAT?

THEY WILL.

DO YOU KNOW WHY?

SOCIETY HATES A ROTTING CORPSE,

YOU BIG FREAK!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

CAUSES THE PLAGUE!

YEAH!

AND THE NEWS HATES VIDEO GAMES.

AND THEY HATE THE VIDEO GAMES

AND THEY BLAME EVERYTHING ON THE

VIDEO GAMES.

AND IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE THAT

THERE ARE PLENTY OF VIDEO GAMES

THAT TINY CHILDREN SHOULD NOT

PLAY.

I AM A GROWN-UP LADY, AND I NEED

TO SHOOT (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK IT'S BEST IT OCCUR

FICTIONALLY.

SO, YEAH, AND IT'S TRUE ALSO

THAT THE MORE HORRIFYING THE

STORY LINE BEHIND A VIDEO GAME,

THE MORE FUN THE VIDEO GAME.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S TRUE.

I DON'T MAKE THE RULES,

BUT THAT'S THE RULE WITH VIDEO

GAMES.

IF THERE WERE A VIDEO GAME WHERE

YOU STAB BABIES IN THEIR SLEEP,

IT WOULD BE HORRIBLE, BUT I'D BE

IN MY ROOM GOING--

AY-AY-AY-AY...

I WIN!

(APPLAUSE)

THE WORST PREMISE EVER OF ANY

VIDEO GAME EVER?

"FINAL FANTASY LEGEND" FOR GAME

BOY.

FIRST ONE--

OH, MY GOD, IT'S KIND OF

ROLE-PLAYING.

YOU GET TO PICK FOUR COMPANIONS.

YOU GO TO FIVE DIFFERENT WORLDS.

YOU MEET THE HEADS OF THOSE

WORLDS AND KILL 'EM.

AND THEN, YOU GET TO MEET GOD.

AND GOD IS A TINY AMISH MAN ON

THE GAME BOY SCREEN.

AND THEN, YOU KILL GOD.

AND THAT'S THE WORST PREMISE

EVER.

I KNOW THAT, I'M NOT MADE

OF STONE UP HERE.

BUT IT'S THE BEST--

IT WAS THE BEST--

IT TOOK ME EIGHT MONTHS TO BEAT

THAT GAME!

IT WAS THE BEST $65 I'VE EVER

SPENT IN MY LIFE!

I STOOD IN FRONT OF GOD

FOR A MONTH, SWITCHING GUYS,

SWITCHING WEAPONS.

I COULDN'T KILL HIM.

I GAVE UP.

I CALLED THE NINTENDO GAME

COUNSELORS.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S REAL IT'S NOT FREE.

IT'S 2.99 A MINUTE TO TALK

TO ERIC.

(LAUGHTER)

HE'S 12.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HE MAKES FUN OF YOU.

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