Popelash 2016: The Unpopening - Pope Francis Calls for an Apology to the LGBT Community

June 29, 2016 - Vic Mensa 06/29/2016 Views: 1,192

Pope Francis argues that the Catholic Church owes an apology to members of the LGBT community, inciting the wrath of Catholic League President Bill Donohue. (10:35)

Ooh, yes.

Thank you very much.

Oh, so kind.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Please, please, have a seat.

You're too kind.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

(audience chanting "Larry")

They are correct.I am Larry Wilmore.

We have a good show.

Thank you very much.

Please have a seat.

Thank you. So kind.

You're so kind.

You know last night?

We just did that the whole show.

I didn't even get to a joke.


You go, "It was good, but Ithink we did all the work.

I don't know."Mm-hmm.

Well, here... oh, man...June, all right.

June has always beena proud month

for the LGBT community.

This week alone,

uh, marriage equalityturned a year old.

Obama named...

(applause and cheering)


Also, President Obamanamed The Stonewall Inn

a national monument.

(audience cheering)

Very nice.

And, and at New York Pride,

Hillary Clinton marched along--

marched among rainbow flags,

which, if you think about it,

hold as many different colors

as Hillary has held differentpositions on gay rights.

So... it kind of...fits there, right?

So bad.

So, with this outpouring of lovefor the LGBT community,

I was surprisedto see this on social media.

Uh, yes,#HeterosexualPrideDay

was trending on Twitter.

Seriously, guys?!

I mean...(groans)

I mean, I've heard of otheroffensive attempts to co-opt

a minority experience, right,like "men's rights."

Right? Or...

"All lives matter,"

or Panda Express, but...



Look, I tell you what,let me just say this to anybody

who genuinely celebratesHeterosexual Pride Day.

#Shut The (bleep) Up.



Just stop it.


Doesn't make sense.

Just stop it.

Oh, oh, and speakingof gay issues, the Pope...


...y-yes, the Popemade news this week

when he weighed inon the Church's attitude

towards homosexuality.

Now, let me... the-- this guy

really seems to be takingthose papal robes off lately.

Um... I think we need a new way

to describe what's going onat the Vatican, so, all right.

It's time for The UnPopening.

Pope Francis is speaking outagain in support of gay people.

The Pope says the CatholicChurch owes an apology

to gay individuals and otherswho have been mistreated.


(applause and cheering)

Sounds great.

Although, it is weird thathistory's most gay friendly pope

is the only one not to weara giant jeweled hat

and ruby slippers, um...

Just putting that out there.

But this guy's the Pope.

I mean, if he thinksthe Catholic Church

should apologize,then with a wave

of his Pope wand or whatever,

uh, he can just changeChurch doctrine, right?

No, it doesn't change,but what changes is tone

and tone is very important.

It-it-it may be as importantas doctrine.

That's right, you guys.

It's just the tonethat's going to change.

So here's how...It's going to go from...

"Gay people will burn in hellfor all eternity" to...

(high-pitched):"Gay people will burn in hell

for all eternity."

-(whooping, applause)-See? It's different.

(normal voice): It's amazinghow different that sounds.

(high-pitched):Man, helium's stronger

than what it used to be.

I don't thinkthis helium's been cut.


(normal voice):Oh, my God.

Whoo! Man!

Whoo! Oh, my God.

Now, as always,every papal action

has a woefully misguidedreaction.

Enter Catholic Lea...Catholic League president,

Bill Donohue.

Do you feel like apologizing

-to the LGBT community?-No. No, as a matter of fact,

I want an apology from gays.

(laughter, groans)

(stammering gibberish)

You want gay peopleto apologize to you? For what?

What? I mean,what, were you beat up

by a bunch of lesbiansor something?

I blame the people who wereat a parade, a protest parade,

who watched me be assaultedby lesbians.


I mean, yes!


Oh, my God!

Wait, how did I miss that?

By the way, "watch Bill Donohueget assaulted by lesbians"

is the least popular categoryon PornHub.

I just thoughtI would point that out.

Just not a lot of demandfor some reason on that site.

World Star, different story.



Thank you very much, World Star.World Star, thank you very much.

And Donohue isclearly still concussed

from this supposed,uh, lesbian assault,

because, uh, he went onto make this comparison

when the topicof gay marriage came up.

I'm against Muslim madmen whokill innocent people in Orlando.

-Okay?-But that's fine.

But first of all,why do you equate

being gay and wanting to marry

with being a terroristin Orlando?

Because you asked meabout what am I opposed to.

I'm opposed to thingsthat people do wrong.

-WOMAN: Oh, man.-Hmm...

So that's your pointof comparison for gay people--

the Orlando shooter.

You know that's nota good analogy, right?

That's like the Orlando shooterof analogies.

Mm, see?Now, that's a good analogy.


Now, as a Catholic, I wantto believe the Catholic Church

when they say the tone ischanging-- that's a good thing.

But as long as there are guyslike Bill Donohue,

I've got to start...you know, they've got to start

changing minds and doctrinesand not just tone.

-(applause, whooping)-Um...


Oh. And something else

about this whole storyjust struck me as interesting.

NEWSMAN: These wide-ranging, off-the-cuff press conferences

on board his papal flights have become

a sort of signature of Pope Francis.

Okay, the best thingabout a papal flight?

No (bleep) snakes.


They don't belongon (bleep) planes, you guys.

So, the Pope loveshis airborne press conferences.

And we actually were ableto reach someone

who's at one right now.

So for more details onthe Pope's historic statement,

let's go live nowto Pope Francis's plane

with Vatican PR liaison,Cardan Jorlos.

-Ciao. Ciao, Larry, ciao.-(cheering, applause)

-Ciao, ciao. Ciao. Ciao.-Hi, Cardan.

Cardan, so, thank youfor video-chatting

-Yes.-with me from the plane.

I understand you werealso with the Pope

when he madehis groundbreaking statement

-about homosexuality, right?-Oh, th-that's right.

I'm honored to have beena witness to history.

-Yeah.-But to be honest, His Holiness

does that sort of thingon every flight.

-Yes. -You sound likeSidney Poitier a little.

-Yes.-Uh... oh, really?

-What? Who?-That's interesting.

-Yeah. Yes.-I didn't... Yeah.

When he first boards the planehe's very serious,

-Uh-huh. -and then he throws ona pair of Yeezy Boosts, and...

then he shotguns two tinybottles of Limoncello, you see.

-That's what he does.-Really?

And then, uh, that's whenPlane Pope comes out, you know?

Wait. Plane Pope?

Yes. Yes. Plane Pope.

And-and Plane Popedoesn't hold anything back, no.

Okay, hold on.So... so Plane Pope

-Yes. -is what explainswhy he says these things

that seem to go againstnormal Church doctrine?

-Ah, yes, exactly.-What?

That's when the real fun beginsat 30,000 feet.

-Really?-It's... that's when he switches

to Tito's Vodka on the rocks.


-Wow. Really?-Yes. Yes.

-So he kind of loosens up.-Yes, after of couple of those

-Uh-huh.-holy spirits, he starts, uh...

He makes in-flight announcementsafter that.

Actually,he's-he's doing one right now.

His Eminence, yes.Go, please. Check this out.

(Italian accent):I don't understand, ah?

Why can't a woman be the Pope?

I mean, uh, the patriarchy,it's no good.


I thought the Popewas from Argentina.

-He's got, like...an Italian accent -Well...

-or something. -y-yes,but, you know, uh, when in Rome.

-Okay, all right, all right.-Yes.

Got it, got it.

-(whooping, applause)-Okay. But hold on. But hold on.

I heard him saya woman should be Pope.

Now, is thatreally gonna be a thing?

(chuckling):Of course not, you know.

He's-he's just puttingsome tone out there, you know?

We call it, uh, workshopping.

In the jazz worldit's known as scatting.



-Yes. -So allowing a womaninto the Vatican

-is just scatting? He's just...-Oh, yes.

♪ Women are equal to men,scooby dooby bah bah bah. ♪

You know, he's...you know, he's...

-What...-It's, uh...


What? Yes.♪ Do-do-do-do-do.

He's-he's pope-provising,you know?

Oh, he's pope... he's...

I said it once, I say it again,

I apologize to the gays,to the Muslims,

to the gay Muslims,

I apologize to Tom Bradyfor the deflat-a-gat.

Uh, big shout-outto black people.

You should all getreparations, ah?

Wait-wait-wait. Wait.Reparations?!

Does he mean that?

♪ Biddy biddy bop bop. No.


It's, uh...

It's just, uh... No.

(chuckles)Ooh. Just more tone.

-Mm-hmm. -♪ Tone tone tonetone tone. ♪ You know.

You know, uh,tone-y, tone-y, tone-y.

You know, it's... it's mere tonethat sets the stage

for possible change,vis-a-vis reparations.

Okay, so... so none of thismeans anything?

It doesn't... it doesn'tnot mean something.

-Right.-You know, sometimes he gives

-very helpful in-flightannouncements. -Really?

He'll tell us whenour tray tables should be

in their fulland upright position,

and you haven't lived untilyou have seen the Holy Father

mime inflating a life vest,oh, you know...

-Wait. Here comes anannouncement. -Yeah. Oh, okay.

Attenzione, everybody...Uh, is... is this thing on?

Tonight's in-flight movie, The Dirty Grandpa,

Il Papa Ass-a-hole-y, ah,

will begin a-shortly.

Uh, uh, and by the way,what a-happened to De Niro, ah?

First, he's the bull that rages,

next thing, he's the internfor Anne Hathaway?

Is no good. Is no good.

He... he does make a good pointabout De Niro.

-Yes, he's... he's fallen a bit.Yes. -He does. Yeah.

Okay, so, so,do you think the Pope's views

will ever actually make itinto Church doctrine?

Oh, that is a... that isa good one, Larry Wilmore.

Th-The Pope will jointhe mile-high club

-before this happens. -CardanJorlos, ladies and gentlemen.

-We'll be right back.-(cheering, applause)