Matt Braunger - Breakup Therapy

Matt Braunger: Big, Dumb Animal Season 1, Ep 1 02/06/2015 Views: 2,338

After a painful breakup, Matt Braunger has an emergency session with his therapist at a less-than-ideal location. (2:25)

Obviously I need therapy. I do.

I go to a therapist once a week.

And, of course, becauseGod is a comedian.

The week my girlfriend and Ibroke up he was unavailable.

And he's like, want tojust do it over the phone.

Like, no.

No, I [beep] don't.

Like, I have an iPhone.

I'll hear everythird goddamn word.

That's not happening.

Like, no.

And he's like, OK, do youwant to go meet at the park?

And I'm like, we'retwo dudes the same age.

That's a little creepy.

Like, are we going toexchange state secrets

or just look at kids.

Like, what are we doing?

I said that in my mind.

I didn't-- I literally said.

Yes, fine.

Let's meet at the park.


But it started raining.

And he's like, do youwant to meet at the mall?

And I'm like, I haven't heardthat since I was 12-years-old

but, yes, let'smeet at the mall.

And I get there and I geta text from him that says,

I'm in the food courtbehind the Chipotle.


So now we're teenage girls.

So I go to the foodcourt and I see him.

And you know whenyou see someone

you have an emotionalattachment with

and you're really goingthrough hard times

and you start cryingwhen you see them?

I did that in a food court.

But I didn't just cry, I do whatI call the Viking cry that men

do when they try to actlike they're not crying,

where they have almostan aneurysm going


(SOBBING) Hey, what's up?

(NORMAL VOICE) Like, God blesswomen because women just cry.

They'll be like, yeah,I'm [beep] crying.

So what?


Don't even hide it.

Men are like, I'm not crying!

Yes you are.

You're going toburst a blood vessel.

So, Allen, my therapistlooks at me and goes,

let's go walk around the mall.

So I go-- I'm like, great.

And I grab all the napkinsfrom Panda Express.

Like a sad Frankenstein.

I just take them all.

And we walk aroundthe mall for an hour

and I talk about my problems andeverything I'm going through.

We go in and out of everystore buying nothing.

I'm crying the whole timethrowing away tissue.

Both levels of an enormousmall in Thousand Oaks all over

for an hour.

Afterward, shake his hand.

Thanks, Allen.

That really helped, man.

I really appreciate that.


Thanks, buddy.

And I go to my carand I'm halfway

home I burst into thehardest laughter I've

had since the break up becauseI realized that everybody

in that mall looked at usand thought nothing but,

oh, [beep] that dude's breakingup with that other dude.

Oh, man.

His gay lover is dumping himand he can't take it, man.