Doug Stanhope - The Perfect Girlfriend

Pitta, Henton, Tompkins, Kuller, Stanhope Season 2, Ep 2001 09/05/1998 Views: 3,198

It's not a good idea if you want to retain any sense of self-worth. (1:51)

EVERY DAY FORA YEAR-AND-A-HALF STRAIGHT.

DID YOU EVER STAYWITH SOMEONE YOU HATE'CAUSE THEY LOOK GOOD ?

THE MAGIC'S GONE, YOU GOTNOTHING IN COMMON ANYMORE,

BUT THE THOUGHT OF THEMSLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSEIS JUST FAR TOO EXCRUTIATING,

SO YOU STICK IT OUTA FEW MORE WEEKS.

I HATE THAT I'MTHAT SHALLOW.

I HAD THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND,PERFECT, FLAWLESS PERFECT:

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,SHE'S LOADED,

SHE DOESN'T DRINK OR SMOKEOR DO DRUGS,

SHE'S INTELLIGENTAND AMBITIOUS, SHE RECYCLES,

LOVES LITTLE CHILDREN,SHE'S GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT,

EVERYONE SAYS HOW SHE'SSO FREAKIN' SWEET--

IF YOU EVER FINDTHE PERFECT PERSON,

RUN SO FAST THEY SEE FLAMESSHOOT OUT YOUR ASS.

'CAUSE ALLTHE PERFECT PERSON DOES

IS AMPLIFY YOUR FLAWSA THOUSAND-FOLD.

MAKES YOU LOOK LIKETHAT MUCH MORE OF A DICK.

I USED TO BE A "PARTIER",NOW I'M AN "ALCOHOLIC".

IT'S ALL INWHO'S JUDGING YOU.

FIND SOMEONE WITH AT LEASTAS MANY CHARACTER DEFECTSAS YOU HAVE,

IF YOU WANT TO RETAIN EVENA MODICUM OF SELF-ESTEEM.

A NICE MANIC-DEPRESSIVECRACK WHORE.

YOU COME HOME LATE, YOU FIND HERCUTTIN' HER WRISTS,AND DOIN' YOUR MAILMAN,

CHANCES ARE, SHE'S NOTGONNA BITCH ABOUT YOUSMOKIN' IN THE HOUSE.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN,THANK YOU VERY MUCH.