Uncensored - Chris Hardwick - Sex with a Blow-Up Doll

  • Season 1 , Ep 3
  • 08/06/2014
  • Views: 12,498

Chris Hardwick recalls an awkward moment of intimacy he had with one of his birthday presents. (2:10)

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One time, I fuckeda blow-up doll.

It's not weird,I was 19-years-old.

Like someone gave it to mefor my birthday...

and you can fuck your presentsif you want to.

You can totally fuck any one ofyour presents if you want to.

If it happens to be shapedlike a plastic lady...

you're in luck, great.

So, I was 19, it was a verystandard-issue blow-up doll.

Just that sort of like--that kind of look.

The standard-issue blow-up dollsort of looks like--

It has this expression likeif you were driving really lateat night...

and someone ran in frontof your car and you slammedon the brakes...

and you almost hit him,but you didn't...

and then they just went--

But in that instance,you don't go, "Oh, I shouldput a dick in there."

Like, you don't do that.I had it, it was--

The roommates went to sleep.It was 3:00 in the morning.

I crept into the bathroomwith it, her, it.

Her? Her. It?It, you think so?

All right, okay. I guess thisdoesn't even really matter.

Like, it's just latex...

like it could be shaped likeBarney the dinosaur and itwouldn't fucking matter.

I hope that would neverbe the case.

So, I take it into the bathroom.There's no lock.

So at any time, one of myroommates could come in and th--

You can't explain that! There isno way that you can--

You can't talk your wayout of it.

You can't be like,"Uh, this isn't mine."

Like there's nothing youcan say if they catch you.

So if, by the way...

you are ever caught in themiddle of the night doingsomething perverse...

The best tactic that you haveis to commit to your act.

Try to trick your roommate intothinking they're dreaming.

So just don't break eye contact.Continue your activity...

and just be like, "And thosereports better be on my deskby 9:00 AM."

He'll be like,"Right, 9:00 AM, okay."

So the blow-up doll, like we--I-- it starts, it's weird.

It sounds like the noisessound like someone's--

A clown is twisting balloonanimals with a gun to his head.

And it started to deflate.R'oh.

Which would be an amazing mutantpower for a woman to have.

Like if you started to fucksomeone and you were instantlylike, "Uck, I'm out of here."

Pfff.

Just watch the guy be like,"What is happening? What magicis this?"

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