Steve Marmel - Affairs

  • Season 3 , Ep 2
  • 05/15/2000
  • Views: 2,594

I'M GONNA MISS HIM.

I DON'T CARETHAT HE HAD AFFAIRS.

I REALLY--IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

HE'S NOT SCREWINGMY GIRLFRIEND.

AND EVEN IF HE WAS,THE ECONOMY'S IN GREAT SHAPE.

I CAN'T GET ANOTHER ECONOMY.

[laughter and applause]

PROBLEM WITH CLINTONISN'T THAT HE'S HAVING AFFAIRS;

IT'S WHO HE'SHAVING AFFAIRS WITH.

MAN, I'M A GUY.

I THINK THERE'SSOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

ABOUT EVERY WOMAN I MEET.

THEIR EYES, THEIR HAIR,SOMETHING, RIGHT?

BUT CLINTON'S WOMEN--JESUS!

YOU ARE THE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

THE MOST POWERFUL NATIONON THE PLANET.

TAKE THE BEER GOGGLES OFF.

TRY TO SCREW A SIX OR HIGHER.

THE FRENCH ARE LAUGHING AT US.

PAULIE SHORE GETS BETTER ASSTHAN OUR PRESIDENT.

[laughter]

IT'S LIKE HE'S CRACKING OPENMOBILE HOMES

TO GET TO THE PRIZE INSIDE.

[laughter]

YOU CAN TAKE THE PRESIDENTOUT OF ARKANSAS, BUT...

[laughter]

IF YOU LINE UPALL OF CLINTON'S WOMEN IN A ROW,

IT'S LIKE A DARWIN CHART.

[laughter]

YOU START AT MONKEY,AND YOU END AT MONKEY.

CLINTON'S WOMEN--AND THEY WON'T GO AWAY.

THAT'S WHAT KILLS ME.THEY'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

PAULA JONES IS STILLIN THE NEWS.

SHE JUST GOT A NOSE JOBAND THEN STOPPED.

"I'M DONE.I'M DONE.

HAD MY SURGERY,TOOK CARE OF IT. I'M PURTY."

[laughter]

CUT OFF HER HEAD,TIE A ROPE AROUND HER NECK,

AND USE HERTO CLIMB A MOUNTAIN.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T LIKE HER?

SHE'S UNGRATEFUL.

SHE GOT $850,000FOR A LITTLE GAME OF GRAB-ASS,

AND SHE'S MOANING ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?SHE SHOULDN'T BE COMPLAINING.

FOR HALF THAT--FOR HALF THAT--

THE PRESIDENT COULD FONDLEMY BALLS.

AND I WOULDN'T SAY A THING.

NO BOOKS, NO MOVIES, NO CRYINGTO BARBARA WALTERS, NOTHING!

A THANK YOU, A SMILE,A [honk], AND I'M ON MY WAY.

[laughter and applause]

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

TIMES OF GREAT NATIONAL CRISIS,

THE PRESIDENTCOULD CLACK MY NADS TOGETHER

LIKE A PENDULUM.

"STEVE, I DON'T KNOWWHAT TO DO ABOUT THE NRA."

[imitates clacking noise]

MONICA LEWINSKY'SSTILL IN THE NEWS.

SHE'S DOING ADSFOR JENNY CRAIG NOW.

"I LOST 31 POUNDSAT JENNY CRAIG."

"HEY, THAT'S SUPER.ONLY 400 TO GO."

YOU KNOW, THEY PAY HEREVERY TIME SHE LOSES A POUND,

BUT APPARENTLYTHEY'RE PAYING HER IN FUDGE.

AND THIS IS ANOTHER GIRLTHAT IF SHE WOULD JUST SHUT UP,

I THINK SHE'S REALLY ATTRACTIVE.

SHE'S GOT THE NICE EYES,SHE'S GOT THE BIG PUFFY LIPS,

SHE'S GOT THE SHINY HAIR.

OF COURSE, PROTEIN'SA NATURAL CONDITIONER.

YEAH!OH, COME ON!

YOU DON'T THINK THE DRESS ISTHE ONLY PLACE HE MESSES, DO YA?

SOMETIMES YOU GO LOW;SOMETIMES YOU GO HIGH.

THAT CRAP'SLIKE SILLY STRING;

YOU CAN'T AIM IT.

IT GOES WHERE IT GOES.

YEAH, THE PLASTIC SURGERY'SHELPING.

LINDA TRIPPJUST HAD PLASTIC SURGERY.

YOU SEE THAT?

SHE'S GOT HER NEW PHOTO.

HER HAIR IS FROSTED,AND HER HAND'S RIGHT HERE.

"OH, I JUST LOVE AMERICA."

YOU KNOW WHY HER HAND'SHERE THOUGH, DON'T YOU?

TO STOP THAT LITTLETURKEY WATTLE FROM POPPING OUT.

"I JUST WANT EVERYBODYTO STOP MAKING FUN OF--"

[gobbling]

"EVERYBODY'S TEASING MEAND STUFF."

[gobbles]

YOU KNOW WHY SHE'S SO MAD?

IT'S THE ONLY WOMAN IN D.C.

CLINTON LOOKED AT WITHA STRAIGHT FACE AND WENT,

"OH, I'M SORRY; I'M MARRIED."

EVERY PRESIDENT HAD AFFAIRS.EVERY ONE OF THEM.

BUSH ALLEGEDLY HAD ONE.

REAGAN PROBABLY HAD A BUNCHHE CAN'T REMEMBER.

REAGAN'S PROBABLY NAILING NANCYRIGHT NOW GOING,

"WELL, DON'T TELL MY WIFE."

AND JOHN F. KENNEDYWAS HAVING SEX WITH?

MARILYN MONROE.

DO YOU DENY HIM THAT?

THE HOTTEST WOMANOF HIS ERA?

OH, MY GOD.

MY GIRLFRIEND--"WOULD YOUHAVE SEX WITH MARILYN MONROE?"

[laughs]

YES!

OH, MY GOD.

I WOULD [bleep] HERON TOP OF MY GIRLFRIEND.

[laughter]

I'D TRY TO GET HER IN ON IT.

"COME ON. LET'S MAKE HERSING US HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

THANK GOD HE HAD SEX WITH HER,

CONSIDERING HOW HIS LIFE ENDED,DON'T YOU THINK?

YOU KNOWTHAT WAS THE LAST THOUGHT

THAT WENT THROUGH HIS HEADWHEN THE BULLET HIT HIM.

BAM!"AT LEAST I [bleep] MARILYN."

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