Amy Schumer - Guys Are Gross

Amy Schumer: Mostly Sex Stuff Season 1, Ep 101 08/18/2012 Views: 53,842

When she walks in on her boyfriend masturbating, Amy Schumer wonders why he seems so angry. (2:25)

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THIS IS POOR PLANNING ON MYPART.

I'M KINDA DIZZY.

I DONATED BLOOD TODAY.

THAT'S WHAT I CALLGETTING AN AIDS TEST.

I KNOW, THAT J--

PEOPLE, LIKE, HATE THAT JOKEIF THEY HAVE AIDS.

[laughter]

SO IF YOU DIDN'T LAUGH,GET TESTED.

CHECK IT OUT.

I WENT THROUGHA BREAKUP THIS YEAR.

I WAS DATING THIS GUY.

I WALKED INON HIM MASTURBATING.

YEAH, HE'S LIKE,"ARE YOU MAD?"

I'M LIKE, "UH, NO,BUT YOU SEEM TO BE.

HOLY SHIT."

[laughter]

I'M LIKE,"DOES IT OWE YOU MONEY?

WHY ARE YOU--"

[laughter]

ME AND THIS GUY,WE WERE SO DIFFERENT.

I KNEW WE WERE--LIKE, HE WAS,LIKE, REALLY INTO FAMILY.

YOU KNOW,AND I MENTIONED MY MOM.

LIKE, HE'D NEVER COME ONTHE ROAD WITH ME ON THE WEEKENDS

'CAUSE HE WANTEDTO SPEND TIME WITH HIS WIFE.

AND I JUST--

I'M BETTER.

NO, THE TRUTH IS I THOUGHTHE WAS GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME

THE WHOLE TIMEFOR THE LAMEST REASON:

BECAUSE I WOULDN'T [bleep].

BUT I HAVE A NUT ALLERGY.LIKE, WHAT DID HE EXPECT?

[laughter]

STOP TELLING USIT'S GOOD FOR OUR SKIN.

[bleep] YOU GUYS.

[laughter and cheering]

ONE GIRL WAS LIKE,"OH, OKAY."

GUYS ARE SO GROSS, RIGHT?GUYS ARE GROSS.

YOU'RE GROSS, OKAY?THEY'RE SO GROSS.

I HAD SEXWITH A GUY RECENTLY,

MORE SEMEN THAN YOU'VEEVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE.

I WAS LIKE, "DID YOUJUST GET OUT OF JAIL?

WHAT'S--WHAT ISTHE MEANING OF THIS?"

"IT'S A COMPLIMENT."

"NO, NO."

BUT THAT'S WHAT GUYS WANT'CAUSE THEY'RE SO GROSS.

IF IT WERE UP TO THEM,WE'D ALL LOOK LIKE CARRIE

IN THE PROM SCENEAT THE END, JUST,

"UGHH."

[laughter]

NO GIRL WANTS THAT.WE DON'T WANT THAT.

WE'RE LAZIERTHAN YOU.

IF IT WERE UP TO ME,

THE CLEANUP WOULD BEME TAKING A Q-TIP

GOING, BOOP, ASLEEP.THAT'S IT.

INSTEAD I WAS LIKE,"I'VE BEEN SLIMED."

[laughter]