Anthony Jeselnik - Christmas

  • Season 13 , Ep 3
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 76,233

The best Christmas present is something that you make yourself. Like crystal meth. (2:39)

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACESIN THE WORLD.

AND I GET TO TRAVELALL OVER THE WORLD, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE I'M GREAT AT WHAT I DO.

BUT NEW YORK CITY?

I WANT TO BURY MY KIDS HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SEXUAL HARASSMENT'S A PROBLEM.LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS CHICKIS TRYING TO GET ME FIRED

BECAUSE SHE CLAIMSI'VE BEEN GIVING HER

"INAPPROPRIATE" MASSAGESIN THE OFFICE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, I SAID, "GOOD LUCKWITH THAT, SWEETHEART.

I DON'T EVEN WORK HERE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S A GREAT JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

CHRISTMAS ISMY FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NO JEWS HERE, HUH?

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, CHRISTMAS ISMY FAVORITE HOLIDAY,

AND I THINKTHAT THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT

IS SOMETHING THAT YOU MAKEYOURSELF, YOU KNOW...

LIKE CRYSTAL METH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL,

I HAD TO TAKEA STANDARDIZED TEST --

SUPPOSED TO TELL ME WHAT I HADTO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.

AND MY RESULTS CAME BACKAND SAID

THAT I HAD TO EITHER BEA ROCKET SCIENTIST...

OR RUN A LAUNDRY SERVICE...

OR STOP CHEATINGOFF THE ASIAN KID.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I USED TO WORKAS A TEACHER.

[ SCATTERED WHOOPING ]

SHUT UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T NEED TEACHERSHOGGING MY SPOTLIGHT.

I USED TO WORK AS A TEACHER

AT A HIGH SCHOOLFOR TROUBLED KIDS --

NOT AN EASY JOB.

THESE KIDSDIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN,

AND THEY SURE AS HELLDIDN'T WANT TO LEARN.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU,THERE WAS NOTHING MORE REWARDING

THAN CONVINCINGJUST ONE OF THOSE KIDS

TO SLEEP WITH ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Loading...