Patton Oswalt - Horrible Kids Pt. 1

Patton Oswalt: Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time Season 1, Ep 101 04/06/2014 Views: 6,611

While at the park with his daughter, Patton Oswalt realizes that some parents are teaching their children to be terrible people. (2:30)

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AND NEAR WHERE I LIVE

THERE'S A PARK AND THEY HAVEA SCOOTER TRACK --

AN ACTUAL TRACK WHERE THE KIDSCAN RIDE THEIR SCOOTERS AROUND.

I TAKE MY DAUGHTER THEREWITH HER FRIENDS.

PUT YOUR LITTLE HELMET ON,HER LITTLE PADS ON,

AND SHE JUST WHIPSON THIS THING.

AND SHE'S FEARLESS.

SHE'S SO FAST.SHE'S SO CONFIDENT.

AND I'M STANDING THERE GOING,"I'M A GOOD DAD.

"I'M INSTILLING CONFIDENCEIN HER.

"I'M INSTILLINGSELF-ACTUALIZATION.

I'M AWESOME."

AND I'M WATCHING THIS,FEELING GREAT ABOUT MYSELF.

AND I LOOK TO THE SIDEOF THE SCOOTER TRACK,

AND THERE'SA GROUP OF KIDS PLAYING.

THEY'RE AROUND 6 OR 7,

AND I WISH I HAD A BETTER WAYTO DESCRIBE THIS TO YOU GUYS,

BUT THEY WERE PLAYING

BY LITERALLY THROWING SPEARSAT EACH OTHER.

THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE DOING.

THEY HAD TAKEN STICKSAND SHARPENED THEM

AND WOULD JUST ZING THEMAT EACH OTHER.

AND, LIKE, THEY WOULD COMEAT EACH OTHER'S FACES, LIKE --

AND THE KID WOULD JUST GO,"ZHOOP!"

AND IT WOULD BARELY -- IT WOULDBARELY NOT BLIND HIM FOR LIFE.

AND HE'D GO, "HA HA HA!

"YOU DIDN'T DRIVE ITINTO MY EYE SOCKET.

WHEE! CHILDHOOD!"

SO...

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND I'M WATCHINGTHESE KIDS, LIKE,

"LOOK AT THESE HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE, WORTHLESS SHIT KIDS.

"THEY'RE TERRIBLE.

"LOOK AT MY DAUGHTERON HER SCOOTER.

GOOD DAD."

SO, OVER IN SPEAR LAND --WHEREVER THE HELL IT WAS --

ONE OF THE LITTLE BOYS RAN UPTO ONE OF THE LITTLE GIRLS

AND SAID SOMETHING REALLY MEAN,AND HE RUNS AWAY LAUGHING.

SHE PICKS UP THIS HUGE SPEARAND FIRES IT AT HIM

AND CATCHES HIM RIGHTBETWEEN THE SHOULDER BLADES.

I DON'T KNOWIF IT PIERCED HIS SKIN,

BUT HE WENT DOWN HARD.

HARD.

BOOM!

AND HE'S DOINGTHAT KIND OF CRYING

WHERE HE CAN'T GET ENOUGH AIR.

LIKE, HE'S IN SO MUCH PAINAND HE'S SCREAMING.

SO, THIS LITTLE GIRL'S JUST THUGMONSTER DAD COMES STOMPING OVER,

AND HE PICKS UP THE SPEARTHAT SHE THREW.

HE GETS RIGHT IN HER FACEWITH THE SPEAR.

I SWEAR TO GOD, HE DOES THIS.

DON'T THROW THAT THING,ALL RIGHT?

TAKE IT LIKE...

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S HOW YOU GET HIM.