Kevin Meaney - One Bathroom

  • Season 2 , Ep 7
  • 07/02/1999
  • Views: 5,735

Kevin Meaney grew up in a house with five kids and one bathroom. (2:59)

I MEAN, THAT REALLYSHOULD BE AGAINST THE LAW.

FIVE KIDS AND ONE BATHROOM.

MY SISTER LIVEDIN THE BATHROOM.

SHE NEVER CAME OUT.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE.

SHE WENT IN AS A LITTLE GIRL

CAME OUT WITHA WEDDING GOWN ON.

AND IN BETWEEN SHE WOULD ALWAYSBE WRAPPED IN TOWELS.

EVERY TOWEL IN THE NEIGHBORHOODSHE'D USE.

SHE'D COME RUNNING OUTOF THAT BATHROOM

ALL YOU COULD SEEWERE HER EYES.

SHE'D BE SCREAMING,"DON'T LOOK AT ME!"

WE'RE NOT LOOKING AT YOU!

WE GOT TO PEE!

I'D GET IN THAT BATHROOM,THERE'D BE NO TOWELS.

I'D HAVE TO RUNFROM THE BATHROOM

TO THE BEDROOM NAKED.

I'D GET CAUGHT EVERY TIME.

"YOU'RE NAKED.

"BEING THE HALLWAY NAKED--

"THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

"YOU GET INTO THAT BEDROOMRIGHT NOW AND DO SIX HAIL MARYS

FOR BEING NUDE IN THE HALLWAY."

SIX HAIL MARYS FOR BEING NUDE.

I'D BE IN THE BEDROOMDOING HAIL MARYS.

HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE...

MY BROTHER WOULD BE SCREAMING,"MOM, KEVIN'S IN THE BEDROOM

DOING HAIL MARYSIN HIS UNDERWEAR."

"YOU PUT SOME PANTS ONWHEN YOU'RE DOING HAIL MARYS.

"AND NOT THOSE TIGHT PANTS.

"YOU PUT YOUR BIG PANTS ON.

"GOING AROUND WITHTIGHT PANTS ON--

"THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

"YOU GET UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOWAND PUT THE BIG PANTS ON.

THE PETERKINS ARE COMING OVER."

THE PETERKINS WERE ALWAYSCOMING OVER.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY KIDS

SO THEY'D COME OVERAND LOOK AT US.

MY MOTHER WAS ALWAYS TELLING USTHAT MRS. PETERKIN IS SICK.

"SHE'S SICK.

"SHE IS SICK.

"SO CAN YOU BE NICETO SOMEONE WHO'S SICK?

I HOPE SO, MISTER."

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

"SHE'S GOT THYROID.

"SO DON'T BE MENTIONINGTHE THYROID WHEN SHE GETS HERE.

SHE'S GOT THE THYROIDAND SHE'S GOT IT BAD."

WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THYROID WAS.

WE WERE JUST LITTLE KIDS.

THE NEXT THING YOU KNOWPETERKIN SHOWS UP

AND SHE'S GOT THESEBIG BULGING EYES.

SHE'S LOOKING AT US.

WE'RE LOOKING AT HER.

NOBODY'S BLINKING.

THE MORE FOODI TAKE OFF MY PLATE

I CAN ACTUALLY SEE THEREFLECTION OF HER EYEBALLS

IN MY DISH.

JACKIE, LOOK AT HER EYESIN MY PLATE!

WE'D ALL LOOK UPAT THE SAME TIME.

( screaming )

YOU COULD ACTUALLY SEEHER HEARTBEAT IN HER PUPILS.

MY AUNT ROSE WOULDN'T MAKE ITANY EASIER ON US.

"HEY, KIDS

"I HEAR OLD BUG-EYED PETERKINSCOMING OVER TONIGHT.

"YOU BETTER LOOK OUT

"IF YOU KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT.

"I BET THOSE EYEBALLSARE GOING TO POP

"RIGHT INTO THE MASHED POTATOES.

"KEVIN, YOU'LL PROBABLYWAKE UP TOMORROW MORNING

"AND THOSE EYEBALLS WILL BEUNDER YOUR PILLOW.

"YOU COULD BRING THEM INTOSCHOOL FOR SHOW-AND-TELL.

"HEY, KIDS, LOOK WHAT I GOT.

"BUG-EYED PETERKIN'S EYES.

LAST NIGHT THEY FINALLY BLEW."

( laughter )

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