Doug Stanhope - Old People

  • Season 5, Ep 13
  • 09/23/2001
  • Views: 8,408

Doug Stanhope hates how the elderly use their age as an excuse. (2:44)

LAST WEEK, AND, UH-- OH, YEAH,

THANKS FOR FOLLOWING ME--

(LAUGHTER)

A PLACE THAT IS SO BEHIND

THE TIMES THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN

GET AIDS THERE YET, PEOPLE.

PEOPLE WOULD SHOW UP

AND THEY HATE YOU OR WHATEVER.

LIKE, MY ACT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE,

I UNDERSTAND THAT.

AND, LIKE, IT'S ALWAYS--

TONE IT DOWN, WE GOT, THE,

YOU KNOW, THE OLD PEOPLE.

LIKE, FIRST OF ALL,

LIKE WHY DOES OLD PEOPLE,

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS GET,

LIKE I DO SHOWS-- I GET CASINOS

AND YOU GET ALL THE BLUE HAIRS

AND THE WALKERS...

AND THEY GO-- TONE IT DOWN,

THESE ARE OLD PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, WHY DO YOU CODDLE

THE OLD PEOPLE?

THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR A BUNCH

OF SODOMY JOKES, THEY'RE OLD

PEOPLE.

LIKE MY GENERATION INVENTED

SODOMY.

THEY WOULD HAVE NO--

"IN OUR DAY WE ONLY HAD SEX

TO KEEP WARM..."

THEY KNOW, THEY'VE DONE

EVERYTHING.

BUT, THESE OLD PEOPLE GET YOU

TO PITY THEM.

BUT I USED TO DO BOILER ROOM

TELEMARKETING FOR A LIVING.

LIKE, HARD CORE FRAUD STUFF THAT

GETS BUSTED ON 60 MINUTES EVERY

WEEK-- THAT'S WHAT I DID!

AND I WOULD WATCH--

EVERY TIME THEY HAD AN

OLD COUPLE ON THE SHOW,

THEY'D BUST A PHONE ROOM,

THEY'D GET AN OLD COUPLE...

"THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF US

BECAUSE WE'RE OOOLD...

AND LIKE, HOW IS THAT AN EXCUSE?

'CAUSE LIKE EVERY TIME I GET

INTO AN ARGUMENT WITH SOMEONE

OLDER THAN ME, THAT'S THE FIRST

THING THEY THROW IN YOUR FACE AS

THEIR DEFENSE...

YOU DON'T KNOW (BLEEP).

WHEN YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS EARTH

AS MANY YEARS AS I'VE BEEN

AROUND, THEN YOU CAN TELL ME

SOMETHING.

UNTIL THEN, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR

SHUT."

BUT AS SOON AS THEY GET SCREWED,

IT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.

THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF US

BECAUSE WE'RE OLD.

THEY TOLD US WE WON A"--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"THEY TOLD US WE WON A BRAND NEW

MERCEDES AND THAT ALL WE'D HAVE

TO DO IS LEAVE $8,000 DOLLARS

IN A BROWN PAPER SACK

IN A LOCKER AT THE BUS STATION.

WE WERE SKEPTICAL AT FIRST

'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN BURNED LIKE

THIS ELEVEN OR TWELVE TIMES

BEFORE, BUT IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE

OLD."

NO, IT'S CAUSE YOU'RE DUMB AS A

STICK.

IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR

AGE.

THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF

THE ELDERLY 'CAUSE WE'RE LONELY

AND WE NEED PEOPLE TO TALK TO.

CALL PHONE SEX.

DOESN'T SAY YOU HAVE TO TALK

ABOUT SEX, RIGHT?

HI, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

I'M WEARING A NICE SWEATER

I KNIT IN MY KNITTING CIRCLE

WITH MRS. YOVINGTON, SHE DRIVES

ME THERE ON THURSDAYS

BECAUSE I DON'T DRIVE ANYMORE.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

CROTCHLESS PANTIES.

OH, YOU BETTER PUT SOMETHING ON,

YOU'RE GOING TO CATCH COLD.

WHAT'S THE WEATHER THERE?

MY SON-IN-LAW LIVES IN FLORIDA

AND HE SAYS THE ORANGE GROVES

FROZE OVER.

(APPLAUSE)

Loading...