Mr. Joe Rogan,everybody.
Let him hear it.
So I've done a lot of travelingdoing stand-up comedy,
and one of the weird thingsabout traveling is,
sometimes you have to stayin hotels,
most of the time,all the time.
Forget what I said earlier.
All the time.
And most of the time,it's uneventful,
but I was in a hotel fire once,
and it's somethingyou never think about,
you hear about occasionallyon the news,
but when it happens,it's a real freak out.
It was in the middleof the night.
We'd gone to bed at about 2:00in the morning,
and about 4:30,and I hear...
[imitates alarm blaring]
I jump up,and I grabbed the alarm clock,
and I--what buttondo I have to push to stop this?
[imitates alarm blaring]
I'm thinking, "I'm gonna wake upevery [bleep]ing person
"in this hotel.
I can't believe how loudI have this."
I mean,it didn't make any sense.
I'm delirious.I don't know what's going on.
I'm in that weird dream state,and I hear,
"Attention, a fire has beendetected in the building.
"Please evacuate immediately.
"Do not use the elevators.
Take the stairs."
I don't even knowif this is real.
It doesn't make sense.
I don't know if it'sa recording.
I don't know what's going on.
But then the guy keeps the mickeyed open,
and you hear a womanin the background going,
"We've got to get these[bleep]ing people out of here."
And I'm in my underwear,so I'm like,
"Okay, what do I need?
I need clothes,my laptop."
I grab my shit,and I'm thinking--
I'm on the 15th floor,all right?
It's an old-ass hotel.
We're in the Clift Hotelin San Francisco.
It's Joey Diaz, Tom Seguraand me, okay?
I don't know what roomthey're in, but, you know,
I know we're all onthe same floor somewhere,
so I'm looking for them,and it's a real mind [bleep].
I'm on the 15th floor.
I'm like, "15 flights of stairs.How long does that take?"
♪ Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-dada-da-da ♪
I'm going through it in my head.How fast can I run?
I didn't think about the otherpeople in the [bleep]ing hotel.
There is a riverof sleepy travelers
that I hit when I open my door.
I'm like, "Oh, no, you [bleep].
"You mother[bleep]aren't urgent.
There's not urgencyin your movement."
There's a thin veilof civilization that goes on
when you're in a realnatural emergency,
because it's a [bleep]ingfreak out.
We get to the stairwell.
San Francisco is an old city,
and they have thesereally old hotels
that were designedwhen people were tiny.
They didn't get any food.
They were these little,tiny people.
So I'm not a big guy,but I get into this stairwell,
and I'm like,"This is [bleep]ing ridiculous."
And it's one of those thingsthat they don't do anymore,
where you can seethe whole way down.
So as you're going down,
you could see everybodybelow you,
and they're looking up,
and it's this [bleep]ing riverof people,
and no one's going fast.
And then I start realizingthat a lot of these
[bleep]ing people look likethey're sleepwalking.
And then I start thinkingabout Ambien,
because if you don't know,
39 million Americanstake sleeping pills
on a nightly basis,okay?
And I never thought about thatuntil I had to deal with it.
Most of the time, I go, "Oh,well, you need to go to sleep.
Whatever.I don't give a [bleep]."
But you do give a [bleep] whenyou're in a [bleep]ing hotel,
and all of sudden,everyone is sleepwalking.
If you've never experiencedthis before,
people who are on Ambien,
they just do shitwhile they're sleeping,
and they don't knowthey did it.
You can just wake them upand push them,
and they just keep goingand figure out what to do.
It's a very strange thing.
I have a friend who takes itevery night.
He can't not take it,but he needs sleep so badly
that he's willing to, like,forget that he did shit.
He made a [bleep]ing turkey.
This is not enough to get himto quit doing Ambien.
He got up in the middleof the night,
decided he was making a turkey,went downstairs,
preheated the oven,drove to the supermarket,
bought a turkey, came home,stuffed it,
made mashed potatoesand gravy,
cooked it, ate it,went to sleep,
got up,and called the police.
He goes, "Someone broke intomy house and made a turkey."
They're like,"Do you take Ambien?"
"Yes,but that's not the point."
No,it's a [bleep]ing terrible drug.
It's a weird thing.
Taking sleeping pillsis a dangerous thing.
So I'm in this hotel
where you're enteringinto the stairwell.
Just this funnelof [bleep]ing people,
and some of themwere in slippers,
and some of themwere in bathrobes,
and everybody is [bleep]ingwalking really slow.
And we hit the stairwell,and we start going,
and I see the smoke.
As you're looking down,you're seeing smoke.
It's, like,maybe ten floors down,
like, maybe second, third floor,and I'm like, "[bleep].
"Where is this fire?
"What if I [bleep]ing see fire?
What do I do if I see fire?"
You don't want to bethe first guy to freak out,
but you don't want to be thelast guy to freak out either.
So there's that thing like,"When go time is there,
you've got to be readyfor go time."
Nobody else is readyfor go time.
People start [bleep]ingwaking up on the stairs.
You could see them in the middleof the stairway just going,
"What are we doing?What are we..."
Waking up in the middleof walking down the stairs
in [bleep]ing fire in a hotel.
And this guy, he goes,"What's going on?"
The wife goes,"We're in a hotel fire."
He goes,"A hotel?
Why are we in a hotel?"
These people are just walkingdown the stairs
waking up as their going,
and you could tell the realold-school Ambien junkies,
'cause they're used to waking upin the middle of doing shit.
And this one guy,he grips the railing,
looks around,and just keeps going.
You can tell.
He's like,"Okay, we're doing this.
This is what we're doing."
So we're walking downthe stairway,
and I'm really startingto panic, 'cause I'm, like,
everybody could movea lot faster.
And there's a spacebetween their head
and the stairway above,and I'm like,
"If I could just get inthat space,
I can make some[bleep]ing progress."
But you don't want to bethe first guy
to step on people's head,so I'm like,
"Okay, keep it together.
Keep it together;keep it together, 15 floors."
I have kids, okay?
I'm starting to [bleep]ingreally freak out.
And then one guy decidesto stop the line.
He grabs the rail,and he goes,
"Do we even knowwhere we're going?"
And you see everyonejust sort of just rise up
behind this guy,and everyone's thinking
just murderous,chimpanzee thoughts.
It's just the deep,primal part of your brain
that wants to survive.
And that was the guythat I focused on
for the whole rest of the timewe came down the stairs,
'cause I said,"That's my guy.
The moment I see fire,
I'm gonna punch throughthat dude's asshole,
pull out his skeletal system,
and wear him as a fire suitto run to safety.
That's my plan.
I'm like, "I am not[bleep]ing burning to death
'cause I'm in a hotelwith a bunch of sleepy bitches."
And I'm also thinkingthe whole time,
"How the [bleep] is Joey Diazgetting in this staircase?"
That's part of whatI'm thinking.
So, you know, I love my friend,so I get outside,
and I'm looking for Joey.
We get outside.
It turns outit wasn't really a fire.
It turns out it was a bunchof drunk assholes
who just set offthe fire extinguisher,
which is really goodthat nobody freaked out,
'cause the last thing is--
you want to be outsidewhen they go,
"There was no real fire,"
while you're wearinga dude's skin.
And you're like,"I'm such a dick.
I'm really sorryabout all this."
Right when they saidthere's no fire,
everybody goes,"Where's Joey? Where's Joey?"
Joey Diaz comes aroundthe corner,
and he's holding a joint.
And I go,"How did you get outside?"
He goes, "I took the elevator,like a doctor."
Thank you very much.You guys have been awesome.