John Oliver - The American People

  • Season 1 , Ep 4
  • 01/29/2010
  • Views: 39,431

The world needs idiots. Idiots get things done. They don't waste time over thinking things. (3:20)

ONE THING--ONE THING I'VELEARNED ABOUT AMERICA

SINCE MOVING HEREHAS BEEN ABOUT YOU--

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,

AND THE THING I'VE LEARNEDABOUT YOU IS THIS--

YOU ARE ALL HEROES,ALL OF YOU.

(laughter)

EVERY SINGLE--IN FACT, YEAH,

GIVE YOURSELF A ROUNDOF APPLAUSE NOW.(cheers and applause)

DO IT.DO IT!

YOU'RE ALL HERO--I'LL TELL YOU--

I'LL TELL YOU WHYAMERICANS ARE HEROES

BECAUSE AMERICAN PEOPLEARE...IDIOTS.

(laughter)

NOW, WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT--WHOA,EASY NOW.

I MEAN THAT AS THE HIGHESTFORM OF COMPLIMENT

I COULD POSSIBLY ISSUE.

THE WORLD NEEDS IDIOTS.

IDIOTS GET THINGS DONE.

THEY DON'T WASTE TIMEOVERTHINKING THINGS.

DO YOU HONESTLY THINKANY OTHER COUNTRY

COULD'VE PUTA MAN ON THE MOON?

OF COURSE NOT.

THAT ISA...STUPID THING TO DO.

(laughter)

ONLY AMERICA COULD PULLTHAT OFF

'CAUSE ONLY AMERICA WOULD SENDHIS FRIEND UP A FEW YEARS LATER

WITH A SET OF GOLF CLUBSSO THAT THEY COULD WHACK

A FEW BALLS AROUND UP THERE.

IT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE IFYOU DON'T REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.

(laughter)

ONLY RECENTLY,YOU BOMBED THE MOON.

YOU DID IT.THAT'S A FACT.

AND THE OVERALL CONSENSUSAROUND THIS COUNTRY WAS,

"GOOD, GREAT.WHY DID IT TAKE US THAT LONG?"

(laughter)

WHY? GET SOME MOON.HAVE A TASTE.

YOU BOMBED THE MOONNOT BECAUSE IT WAS EASY

BUT BECAUSE IT WAS HARD.

(laughter)

AND YOU DID IT IN THE MIDDLEOF THE GREATEST GLOBAL RECESSION

IN LIVING MEMORY.

THE WORLD SHOULD BE LINING UPTO THANK YOU PEOPLE.

KABOOM, SLAM.

YOU'RE WELCOME.THAT'S ON UNCLE SAM.

PUT YOUR MONEY AWAY,THAT'S NO GOOD TO US HERE.

ONLY AMERICA COULD INVENTA HOTDOG-EATING COMPETITION

THEN LOSE THAT COMPETITIONTO THE JAPANESE...

(laughter and applause)

AND SEE IT AS A POINTOF NATIONAL PRIDE

TO WIN THAT TITLE BACKAND DO SO SUCCESSFULLY.

LONG LIVE JOEY CHESTNUT.(cheers)

LONG LIVE JOEY CHESTNUT!

(cheers and applause)ALTHOUGH...

ALTHOUGH STATISTICALLY DUETO HIS DIETARY CHOICES,

THAT IS NOT LIKELY TO BETHE CASE.

(laughter)

ONLY--ONLY AMERICA,

WITH YOUR MOST FLAMBOYANTOF DEMOCRACIES

COULD ELECT FORTHE ENTERTAINMENT OF YOURSELVES

AND THE ENTIRE PLANETA MAN LIKE ROD BLAGOJEVICH.

(laughter)

OH, OTHER COUNTRIES COULD THINKABOUT DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

FEW WOULD BE HAPPY TO DO IT ANDLIVE THROUGH THE CONSEQUENCES.

(laughter)

LET ME SIMPLY SAY THISREGARDING RODNEY--

SOON, SOON,

FOUR OUT OF THE LASTEIGHT GOVERNORS OF ILLINOIS

WILL HAVE ENDED UP IN JAIL.

(laughter and cheers)

THAT'S 50%.

IF YOU GROW UPIN SOUTH CENTRAL L.A.,

YOU ARE SAID TO HAVEA ONE IN THREE CHANCE

OF ENDING UP PRISON.

THAT'S LESS THAN IF YOU BECOMEGOVERNOR OF ILLINOIS.

IDIOTS.

(applause)

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