Dov Davidoff - Finding a Nice Girl

  • Season 11, Ep 5
  • 01/25/2007
  • Views: 21,180

Nice people make things -- like a stripper who'll knit you a mitten. (2:37)

I WANNA MEET A GIRL WHO CAN MAKE THINGS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE-- KNITTING OR-- A FOOD, NOT IN A MISOGYNISTIC WAY.

I JUST MEAN MAKE SOMETHIN'WITH YOUR HAND. NICE PEOPLE MAKE THINGS.

YOU EVER BEEN OUT WITH A STRIPPER, AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"NO, I DON'T WANT ANYMORE COKE, BUT IF YOU GOT SOME YARN,

I'LL KNIT YOU UP A MITTEN." NICE PEOPLE MAKE THINGS.

BUT FINALLY I MET THIS GIRL. AND LOVE-- OH GOD.

I THOUGHT I WAS IN LOVE. SHE WAS A PH.D. IN LITERATURE.

AND I WAS THROWN OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL, YOU KNOW,

AND I THOUGHT MAYBE I COULD LEARN SOMETHIN' FROM HER. BUT INSTEAD,

IT TURNED OUT SHE WAS JUST REALLY CONDESCENDING.

BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE IT FOR A WHILE 'CAUSE I WAS IN LOVE.

AND I GO TO PICK HER UPAND IT HIT ME ONE DAY.

SHE CAME TO THE CAR, BUT SHE WAS A HALF-HOUR LATE. SHE WAS ALWAYS LATE.

AND I SAID, "WOMAN, YOU'RE A HALF HOUR LATE."

AND SHE GOES-- SHE WOULD USE QUOTES ON ME FROM AUTHORS

THAT HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR 200 YEARS--

SHE TURNED TO ME AND GOES, "TIME AND SPACE ARE PERCEPTIBLE

ONLY TO THE HUMAN HEART.JAMES JOYCE, 1888."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN I SAID, "GET THE HELL OUT.

IKE TURNER, 1967." NOW HOOF IT, WISE ASS!

- DON'T CONDESCEND ME.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NO, THE WHOLE THING IS, THIS IS WHY I JUDGE PEOPLE!

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO JUDGE PEOPLE.

IT'S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.

I DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE BASED ON SKIN COLOR.

BUT BASED ON DEMEANOR AND THE WAY THEY CONDUCT--

JUST THE PERSON-- IF YOU'VE EVER LIVED IN AN AREA WHERE,

IN ORDER TO KEEP YOURSELF SAFE, YOU NEED TO MAKE A JUDGMENT,

IT'S LIKE, I WAS HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIEND.

HE'S A VEGAN FROM BEVERLY HILLS. HE'S ABOVE THAT.

HE DOESN'T JUDGE PEOPLE. AND WE WERE STANDING NEXT TO

THIS GUY WITH A BANDANNA A TATTOO TEAR DROP AND A KNIFE.

AND I SAID TO MY FRIEND, "I DON'T WANNA HANG OUT HERE."

MY FRIEND WAS OFFENDED. HE SAID, "DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE."

I SAID, "THE DUDE'S GOT A KNIFE." HE SAID, "HE COULD BE A CHEF."

"YOU VEGAN IDIOT. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GO WITH ON THIS MURDERER?

YOU'RE GONNA ASSUME HE'S A CHEF?" THIS GOES FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, EVEN DATING.

IT'S LIKE-- YOU CAN'T ASSUME THE BEST ABOUT PEOPLE, JOHNNY.

IF I GET A GIRL HOME AND SHE TAKES HER PANTS OFF

AND IT LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS HERPES,

I CAN'T AFFORD TO ASSUMESHE GOT STUNG BY A PACK OF BEES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE ALL CRAZY, MAN!

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