I WANNA MEET A GIRL WHO CAN MAKE THINGS, YOU KNOW?
LIKE-- KNITTING OR-- A FOOD, NOT IN A MISOGYNISTIC WAY.
I JUST MEAN MAKE SOMETHIN'WITH YOUR HAND. NICE PEOPLE MAKE THINGS.
YOU EVER BEEN OUT WITH A STRIPPER, AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"NO, I DON'T WANT ANYMORE COKE, BUT IF YOU GOT SOME YARN,
I'LL KNIT YOU UP A MITTEN." NICE PEOPLE MAKE THINGS.
BUT FINALLY I MET THIS GIRL. AND LOVE-- OH GOD.
I THOUGHT I WAS IN LOVE. SHE WAS A PH.D. IN LITERATURE.
AND I WAS THROWN OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL, YOU KNOW,
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE I COULD LEARN SOMETHIN' FROM HER. BUT INSTEAD,
IT TURNED OUT SHE WAS JUST REALLY CONDESCENDING.
BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE IT FOR A WHILE 'CAUSE I WAS IN LOVE.
AND I GO TO PICK HER UPAND IT HIT ME ONE DAY.
SHE CAME TO THE CAR, BUT SHE WAS A HALF-HOUR LATE. SHE WAS ALWAYS LATE.
AND I SAID, "WOMAN, YOU'RE A HALF HOUR LATE."
AND SHE GOES-- SHE WOULD USE QUOTES ON ME FROM AUTHORS
THAT HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR 200 YEARS--
SHE TURNED TO ME AND GOES, "TIME AND SPACE ARE PERCEPTIBLE
ONLY TO THE HUMAN HEART.JAMES JOYCE, 1888."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND THEN I SAID, "GET THE HELL OUT.
IKE TURNER, 1967." NOW HOOF IT, WISE ASS!
- DON'T CONDESCEND ME.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NO, THE WHOLE THING IS, THIS IS WHY I JUDGE PEOPLE!
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO JUDGE PEOPLE.
IT'S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.
I DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE BASED ON SKIN COLOR.
BUT BASED ON DEMEANOR AND THE WAY THEY CONDUCT--
JUST THE PERSON-- IF YOU'VE EVER LIVED IN AN AREA WHERE,
IN ORDER TO KEEP YOURSELF SAFE, YOU NEED TO MAKE A JUDGMENT,
IT'S LIKE, I WAS HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIEND.
HE'S A VEGAN FROM BEVERLY HILLS. HE'S ABOVE THAT.
HE DOESN'T JUDGE PEOPLE. AND WE WERE STANDING NEXT TO
THIS GUY WITH A BANDANNA A TATTOO TEAR DROP AND A KNIFE.
AND I SAID TO MY FRIEND, "I DON'T WANNA HANG OUT HERE."
MY FRIEND WAS OFFENDED. HE SAID, "DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE."
I SAID, "THE DUDE'S GOT A KNIFE." HE SAID, "HE COULD BE A CHEF."
"YOU VEGAN IDIOT. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GO WITH ON THIS MURDERER?
YOU'RE GONNA ASSUME HE'S A CHEF?" THIS GOES FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, EVEN DATING.
IT'S LIKE-- YOU CAN'T ASSUME THE BEST ABOUT PEOPLE, JOHNNY.
IF I GET A GIRL HOME AND SHE TAKES HER PANTS OFF
AND IT LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS HERPES,
I CAN'T AFFORD TO ASSUMESHE GOT STUNG BY A PACK OF BEES.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THEY'RE ALL CRAZY, MAN!