Josh Sneed - Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Oven

  • Season 11 , Ep 18
  • 03/29/2007
  • Views: 22,158

AND THE ONLY REASON I SAY THAT IS BECAUSE

THE US TODAYHAD AN ARTICLE RECENTLY

THAT SAID DODGE BALL IS GONE FROM SCHOOLS NOW.

DODGEBALL IS GONE; AND WHEN I FOUND OUT WHY, I GOT EVEN MORE UPSET.

NOT 'CAUSE IT'S VIOLENT OR 'CAUSE KIDS WERE BEING KILLED BY DODGE BALLS,

IT'S ONLY GONE 'CAUSE IT MADE FAT KIDS FEEL UNWANTED AND INFERIOR.

AND I'M LIKE, WHAT ABOUT THE STUFF

THAT MADE ME FEELUNWANTED AND INFERIOR

LIKE MATH-- ALL RIGHT. THERE'S ONE-- ALL RIGHT.

MY MOTHER: THERE'S TWO.YOU CAN'T JUST GET RID OF STUFF.

- EVERYBODY WOULD BE DUMB. - [LAUGHTER]

AND YOU CAN'T BLAME THE KIDS FOR WHAT THEY WEIGH,

'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO LOOKAT THE TOYS THEY HAVE.

MY LITTLE COUSIN OWNS A CHUCKY CHEESE PIZZA OVEN. NOW I WISH THAT WAS A JOKE,

BUT THAT'S TRUE.IN EIGHT MINUTES IN HIS BEDROOM,

HE'LL GET YOU A MEAT LOVER'S WITH EXTRA CHEESE.

AND THAT'S NOT HEALTHY, YOU KNOW; OR FAIR.

IT'S NOT. I HAD A SNOOPY SNOW CONE MACHINE.

IN FOUR HOURS,YOU COULD CRUSH ONE CUBE, RIGHT,

- AND HAVE A DIXIE CUP--- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GET A DIXIE CUP HALF-FULL OF CHERRY FLAVORED ICE.

IF YOU'RE LUCKY,YOUR SISTER WOULD BRINGYOU A CAKE SHE BAKED

WITH A DAMN LIGHT BULB. THAT WAS A GOOD DAY IN '86.

I HATE FAT KIDS. THAT'S WHAT THIS WHOLE THING COMES BACK TO.

IT REALLY DOES.THAT'S WHERE ALL THIS STEMS FROM

IS FAT KIDS.

AND IT'S NOT JUST THE KIDS THAT ARE FAT;

IT'S A PROBLEM FOR EVERYONE. AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSE

I WAS IN A MALL RECENTLY AND I SAW A STORE SELLING A CANDLE

THAT SMELLED LIKE MASHED POTATOES.

HOW FAT ARE YOU WHEN YOU WANT YOUR WHOLE HOUSE

TO SMELL LIKE BUTTERED MASHED POTATOES?

AND THEY DON'T EVEN SELL A GRAVY ONE,

WHICH I THINK IS RIDICULOUS. NOW I'M FAR FROM SKINNY;

BUT I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT AND I'M EXCITED.

I THINK THIS IS GONNA BE MY YEAR,

- AND-- - [LAUGHTER]

WHY IS THAT FUNNY? I AM.

AND IT'S NOT FROM FAT-BURNING DRUGS OR EXERCISE.

BUT I JUST TURNED 29AND I SWALLOWED A TON OF

CHEWING GUM WHEN I WAS 22, SO IT SHOULD BE COMING OUT

ANY DAY NOW. AND I'M EXCITED, YOU KNOW?

I'M GONNA BE ALL RIPPED,AND IT'S GONNA BE SWEET.

[LAUGHTER]

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