Greg Proops - Animals

  • Season 2 , Ep 5
  • 06/18/1999
  • Views: 4,186

If a cow could eat you, it would. (3:14)

AND YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLEWHO ARE OBSESSED WITH FUR ARE.

"I'M GOING TO STEP OVERTHIS DISGUSTING HOMELESS PERSON

AND PET THIS CUTE LITTLE KITTY."

( laughter )

MY FEELING IS THIS--

WE RAN FROM THE ANIMALSFOR THREE MILLION YEARS.

IT'S OUR TIME NOW.

(laughter )

ANIMALS HAVE TWO VITAL FUNCTIONSIN TODAY'S SOCIETY--

TO BE DELICIOUS...

( laughter )

AND TO FIT WELL.

( laughter and applause )

NOW, THERE WAS A WOMANA COUPLE OF YEARS AGO

WHO WAS GOREDWHILE SHE WAS VIDEOTAPING

THE RUNNING OF THE BULLSIN PAMPLONA.

YOU KNOW, HER HEARTWAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

"I'M HERE TO HELP."

( screeching )

YOU KNOW. AND I FELT BAD.

BUT IT PROVES MY POINT ABOUTCOWS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WHEN IT COMES TO COWS...

IT'S THEM OR US, RIGHT?

IF A COW COULD EAT YOU...

IT WOULD.

( laughter )

AND IT REALLY WOULDN'T CARE

HOW COMFORTABLE YOURTRUCK RIDE OVER WAS EITHER.

"HI. HOW WAS YOUR TRIP? MOO!"

THAT'S IT-- IT'D BITEYOUR ASS RIGHT OFF.

( whining ):"BUT I'D NEVER BE CRUELTO AN ANIMAL."

OF COURSE, YOU WOULD.

IF YOU WERE TRAPPEDIN THE ARCTIC, FREEZING TO DEATH

YOU WOULD KILL A BABY HARP SEALWITH A PLASTIC PICNIC SPOON...

( laughter )

JUST FOR A CHANCETO CRAWL INSIDE IT

AND LUXURIATEIN THE WARMTH OF REAL FUR.

( laughter )

SO, LET'S TALKABOUT DOPE, RIGHT?

AND THE CROWD GOES QUIET AGAIN.

( laughter )

LISTEN, I DON'T ADVOCATETHE USE OF DOPE.

YOU KNOW, I WOULD NEVERADVOCATE THE USE OF DOPE

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M NOTA PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE, AND...

I DON'T HAVE ACCESS

TO THE GOOD STUFF,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

GOD FORBID

WE LEGALIZE MARIJUANAIN THIS COUNTRY.

AND WE DON'TBECAUSE WE'RE PURITANS, RIGHT?

AND WE'VE GOTTHAT PURITAN LOGIC.

"GREG...

( hearty chuckle )

"GREG, WE CAN'TLEGALIZE MARIJUANA.

"PERISH THE THOUGHT. YOU SEE...

"IF WE LEGALIZE MARIJUANA...

PEOPLE WILL SMOKE IT."

( laughter )

'CAUSE IT SEEMS TO METHAT THIS COUNTRY

IS SO OFF IN A REDNECK,( bleep ), PECKERWOOD

BOHUNK, HEE HAW, GUN-TOTIN',PSYCHO-CHRISTIAN, ANTI-CHOICE

HOMOPHOBIC, GIMME CAP-WEARING,MILITIA ARMBAND-SPORTIN'

HUGE BELT BUCKLEWITH YOUR NAME ON IT

THAT YOU WEAR UPSIDE-DOWN

SO YOU CAN GO, "OH, ( bleep )THAT'S MY NAME."

( laughter )

KIND OF PLACE.

AND CLEARLY, THE REASONTHE UNITED STATES IS THIS WAY

IS ENGLAND'S FAULT.

NOW, ONCE UPON A TIME,THE ENGLISH SENT PEOPLE

ALL AROUND THE WORLD, RIGHT?

AND TO OUR COUNTRY,WE GOT THE PILGRIMS. MM-HMM.

THEY CELEBRATE THANKSGIVINGIN ENGLAND BY THE WAY.

IT'S CALLED"( bleep ) OFF, PURITAN..."

( laughter )

DAY.

AND WE'RE TAUGHT A LOT OF LIESGROWING UP, RIGHT?

ABOUT AMERICAN HISTORY.

"REALLY, GREG? WHICH ONES?"

ALL OF THEM.

( laughter and applause )

THANK YOU.

AND ONE OF THE CHIEFESTLIES WE'RE TAUGHT

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