Darrell Hammond - Having a Baby

  • Season 4 , Ep 1
  • 12/03/2000
  • Views: 3,360

Darrell Hammond takes his friend to have a baby. (2:00)

ABOUT TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGOI TOOK A FRIEND OF MINE

TO HAVE HER BABY, RIGHT ?

ANY MAN THAT HASNEVER SEEN A BABY

EMERGE FROMANOTHER PERSON'S BODY

WILL WALK AROUNDFOR MONTHS

JUST GOING, "OH MY GOD.

WHAT ELSE DON'T I KNOWABOUT PLANET EARTH ?"

FELLOWS, DO YOU KNOW THATIF THE BABY CAN'T COME OUT,

THAT THEY WILLCUT YOU ?

AND NOT ON THE KNEE.

IN A VERYSTRATEGIC AREA,

THAT IF A MAN WERECUT IN THAT SAME PLACE,

THERE'D BE A HOMICIDE.

OR A SUICIDE.

NOBODY'S GETTING OUT OFTHAT ROOM ALIVE.

TINY BUNDLE OF JOY ?NOT TONIGHT !

NOT ON THISKILLING SPREE.

OH, NO.

AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT THESEDAMN WOMEN, ARE HAVING--

THEY HAVE AN ECOSYSTEMIN THEIR BELLY.

I MEAN, TEMPERATURE RANGEAND CLIMATE CONTROL,

AIR-CONDITIONING,HEAT, FOOD, WATER.

DAMN !

THINK ABOUT THAT,Y'KNOW ?

AND THEY TALK WHILETHIS IS GOING ON, FELLAS.

THEY TALK-- "CENTIMETERS,DILATION, CONTRACTIONS.

TEN MINUTES OF--"

I'M GOING,"YOU'RE DOING MATH ?

"YOU'RE DOING MATH WHILEYOU'RE GIVING BIRTH ?

"Y'KNOW, I WANT YOU IN THE ARMYWITH ME WHEN WE GO TO WAR.

THAT'S ASTONISHING."

AND WOMEN WON'T EVENBRAG ABOUT IT.

WHY DON'T YOUBRAG ABOUT IT ?

BRAG, LADIES, DAMN IT.

'CAUSE FELLAS,RIGHT, WE MEN,

WE FIX A DOORKNOB...

DRINKS AREON THE HOUSE.

OH, YEAH.

WE'VE GOTTA FIND SOMEONETO TELL OUR TALE TO

ABOUT HOW,AGAINST ALL ODDS,

AND USING ONLY A SIX-PIECERATCHET SET,

WE LET OURSELVESBACK INTO THE HOUSE

THAT WE JUST LOCKEDOURSELVES OUT OF.

Loading...