Patton Oswalt - The Circus Is in Town

Patton Oswalt: Finest Hour Season 1, Ep 101 04/21/2012 Views: 21,038

Patton Oswalt imagines what it would be like if rock stars were treated like circus animals. (4:01)

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>> Patton: THE CIRCUSIS IN TOWN!

>> Audience: (cheering)>> Patton: YOU KNOW,

WE'VE GOTTEN RID OF SLAVERY,CHILD LABOR.

HOW IN THE HELL DO WE STILL HAVETHE CIRCUS, HONESTLY?

THE CIRCUS, WHICH, LOOK,I'M SURE--I DON'T KNOW

WHEN THEY INVENTED THE CIRCUS,IN 1 A.D.--

I'M SURE BACK THEN,WHEN THERE WAS

NOTHING ELSE TO DOEXCEPT BE AFRAID OF THE SUN,

YEAH, THE CIRCUS WAS GREAT.

BUT IMAGINE--IMAGINE PITCHING THE CIRCUS NOW

AS AN ENTERTAINMENT DESTINATION.

"HEY, I GOT THIS GREAT IDEAFOR FAMILIES AND KIDS.

YOU GOTTA HEAR THIS, MAN.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

WE'RE GONNA PUT UP A TENTON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN

AND WE'RE GONNA FILL ITWITH DEPRESSED ANIMALS...

WALKING SLOW--DID I SAY WALKING?

I MEANT TRUDGING--TRUDGING COUNTERCLOCKWISE

IN AN OVAL.

AND WHILE THEY DO IT,WE'RE GONNA PLAY

CREEPY CALLIOPE MUSICOVER THEM.

JUST THIS ECHOEY...

(imitates calliope music)THEIR SPIRITS BROKEN...

(imitates calliope music)NO CONNECTION TO THE WILD.

(imitates calliope music)""UH, UM... I'M SORRY.

YOU SAID THIS IS FOR, LIKE,FAMILIES AND KIDS?

'CAUSE THIS SOUNDS REALLY GRIMAND CREEPY."

"WELL, YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH,BECAUSE WE'RE ALSO

GONNA HAVE MENIN BRIGHT CLOTHING AND MAKEUP--"

"OH, TIME-OUT.

YOU MEAN LIKE--LIKE TRANSVESTITES, RIGHT?"

"WELL, TECHNICALLY, YES,BUT THEY'RE GONNA KEEP GOING

SO THAT THEY'RE CLOWNS."

YOU REALIZE, A CLOWNIS JUST A TRANSVESTITE

THAT DOESN'T STOP.

LIKE IF YOU--LIKE IF YOU--

IF YOU SAW A GUYIN LIPSTICK AND EYE SHADOW,

YOU'D BE LIKE,TIMMY, LEAVE HIM ALONE.

THAT'S HIS OWN THING."

THE GUY'S LIKE, "OH, NO.

HANG ON. WHOO!"I'M LIKE, "OH, TIMMY. GET A--

HE'S A WONDERFUL CLOWN.

GET OVER THERE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D USEA WHOLE TUBE OF LIPSTICK

ON ONE CHEEK.

PLEASE... ENTERTAIN MY CHILD.

RUN AT HIM OUT OF THE DARKNESS.

HE'LL LOVE IT."

>> Patton: AND EVERY ANIMALIN THE CIRCUS

OPENLY DOESN'T WANT TO BE THEREOR WANTS TO MURDER YOU.

EVERY SINGLE ONE.

WHEN WAS THAT A PLUSFOR AUDIENCES,

TO SEE THINGS ENTERTAIN THEMAGAINST THEIR WILL?

LIKE, "YEAH, WE WENT TOTHE MOORE LAST NIGHT.

WE SAW PATTON OSWALT.

HE WAS OKAY, BUT, LIKE,HE--YOU COULD TELL HE WANTED

TO BE UP THERE.

I HATE THAT!

I LIKE IT WHEN MY PERFORMERSARE CHASED OUT ON STAGE

BY A GUY WITH A CHAIRAND A STARTER PISTOL,

AND THEN THEY HAVE TOSTAND IN PLACE UNDER A CAGE,

AND THEY JUST GLARE AT MEAND JUST YELL.

THAT'S THE BEST.

LIKE--LIKE I'VE SEEN ELTON JOHNIN CONCERT FIVE TIMES.

C MINUS.

WHAT I'D LIKE TO SEE...

WHAT I WANT TO SEE--I'D LOVE TO SEE HIM

GET CHASED OUT TO HIS PIANOBY A GUY WITH A BULLWHIP.

BUT... RIGHT BEFOREHE GOES ON STAGE,

IF HE COULD TAKE A HUGE DUMPRIGHT OFF STAGE, I...

I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT,BUT I'D LOVE TO VAGUELY SMELL IT

THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SHOW.

THEN HE GETS CHASED OUTTO HIS PIANO,

AND DOES EVERY ONE OF HIS SONGSJUST SCREAMING THEM AT ME.

AND THEN AS HE FINISHESEACH ONE,

HE TRIES TO RUN AWAY,AND THEY CHASE HIM OUT AGAIN."

SO THE WHOLE CONCERT--THE WHOLE CONCERT IS LIKE...

♪ HOW WONDERFUL ♪ LIFE IS

♪ WITH YOU IN THE... >> Patton: ♪ DANIEL IS

♪ TRAVELING TONIGHT ON A PLANE (chuckling) THAT'S THE MAGIC

OF THE CIRCUS.

>> Audience: (cheering)>> Patton: WHOO-HOO!

OHH.