People ask me howI got into stand-up.
And what happened was,back, uh...
back when I was in college,
I'd wake upand I'd go to class
and I'd get coffeefrom this vending machine.
And this paper cup would dropdown and fill all the way up
to the top with thissuper hot coffee.
But there's no lid.And the cup was really thin.
So, no matter what I did,the whole way to class
I was just burning the hellout of my hand, right?
I was like, "Ah! Ah!"
Every morning for months,for months.
So, finally, finallyI just dropped out.
Here I am. Uh...
I pay cash at the dentist.
I haven't had heath insurancein nine and a half years,
which sounds stupid,
but if you make it to ten,you win a free x-ray machine.
I hope. Uh...
Actually,I had to go to doctor recently.
I didn't know,I didn't know what it was.
Turns out that it was allergies,but at first,
I woke up one dayand I had a rash.
I was covered--this rash all over my body.
And I went to thishole-in-the-wall doctor.
The placewas actually called Docs.
I walk in and I asked thedoctor, I go, "What is this?"
He goes, "Huh, I don't know."
Then he goes, "Tell you what,I'm going to write you
a prescription.If it doesn't work,
You're going to haveto see somebody else."
And he charged me $200,and then...
I did have to see somebody else.
And I was so mad,I Googled this guy
and I found out wherehe went to medical school.
This is true, this guy went
to the Autonomous Universityof Guadalajara.
The Autonomous Universityof Guadalajara.
And listen, I'm no xenophobe.
And I'm not sayingyou got to go to Harvard
or Johns Hopkinsto get a load of me.
I'm just saying, you know,maybe go to a school
that I've heard of beforeor that sounds real.
Or doesn't have the word"autonomous" in it.
Autonomous Universityof Guadalajara.
Is this a place you go whenyour scores aren't good enough
for theCancun Fixie People Place.
You're like,"Yeah, I graduated from
"Autonomous Universityof Guadalajara.
"Then I, uh, did my residencyover at Mi Casa Su Hospital.
"It's kind of a hut onthe side of an active volcano.
"We, we got a lot of patients.
"Uh, pretty, pretty standardstuff though, uh...
"Lava burns, uh...
"We got a lot of donkey bites.
"You know, it's funny,when I first moved here
"and opened up my practice,I just thought
"everything was donkey bites.
"I'd say sounds likeyou got donkey bites!
"You don't have a donkey?Well, how do you get
up and down the volcano?"
This is what I'd say.