Gilbert Gottfried - The Land of the Three Name People

  • Season 6 , Ep 9
  • 06/16/2002
  • Views: 23,369

How many names do you have? (4:29)

GILBERT GOTTFRIED>> ONCE, I WAS

ON A CAMPING TRIP, AND I GOT

SEPARATED FROM MY PARTY.

AND THEN I WAS LOOKING AROUND,

IT WAS GETTING COLD AND DARK

AND I LOOKED AND THERE WAS A

GIANT SIGN THAT SAID, "WARNING,

YOU HAVE ENTERED THE LAND

OF THREE-NAME PEOPLE."

I WAS ABOUT TO RUN WHEN

SARAH MICHELLE GELLER CAME OUT

AND SAID "THIS IS THE LAND

OF THE THREE-NAME PEOPLE."

HOW MANY NAMES DO YOU HAVE?"

AND THEN JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

CAME OUT AND SAID "THIS IS THE

LAND OF THE THREE-NAME PEOPLE.

HOW MANY NAMES DO YOU HAVE?"

AND I SAID, "I HAVE BUT

TWO NAMES."

AND THEN RAY DON CHUNG AND

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN CAME OUT

SCREAMING, "DEATH TO THE

TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND I STARTED TO RUN AWAY.

WHEN SARAH JESSICA PARKER,

MARY LOUISE PARKER AND

JULIA LOUIS DREYFUS CAME OUT

SCREAMING, "DEATH TO THE

TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND THEN EDWARD JAMES ALMOS,

HARRY DEAN STANTON,

BILLY BOB THORTON,

JAMES EARL JONES

AND CHARLES NELSON REILLY

CAME OUT SCREAMING, "DEATH

TO THE TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND THEN MARK PAUL GOSSLER,

TIFFANI-AMBER THIESSEN,

AND BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN CAME OUT

AND GRABBED ME AND SAID,

"DEATH TO THE TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND THEN A GROUP OF GENTILES

CAME OUT AND SAID, "IS THIS

DEATH TO THE JEW-NAME BOY?"

AND I SAID "NO, TWO NAME."

AND THEY SAID, "OH, SORRY

FOR INTERRUPTING."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEY JUST...

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

AND THEN MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN,

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS,

DAVID OGDEN STIERS,

DAVID ALAN GRIER,

AND DAVID HYDE PIERCE CAME OUT

SCREAMING, "DEATH TO THE

TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND THEN JUST ABOUT EVERYONE

WHO HAS EVER BEEN A CAST MEMBER

ON THE COSBY SHOW CAME OUT

SCREAMING, "DEATH TO THE

TWO-NAME BOY!"

AND THEN LEE VAN CLEEF,

LEE TAYLOR YOUNG,

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH,

SHERYL LEE RALPH,

ROSCOE LEE BROWN,

GINA LEE NOLAN, RACHEL LEE COOK,

JOHNNY LEE MILLER,

TOMMY LEE JONES,

RICKY LEE JONES,

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

AND DAVID LEE ROTH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I PULLED MYSELF AWAY.

AND I RAN AND RAN AND RAN.

"SO YOU DID A LOT OF RUNNING?"

"NO, I RAN AND RAN."

"SO YOU DID QUITE A BIT A--"

"NO, I RAN FOR DAYS AND DAYS

AND DAYS.

"SO, AH, WHAT, A WEEK?"

"NO, I RAN AND THEN I COLLAPSED.

AND WHEN I WOKE UP A GIRL

WAS LEANING OVER ME AND I SAID,

"WHAT IS THY NAME, YOUNG WENCH?"

AND SHE SAID, "MADONNA."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SAID, "YOU ONLY HAVE

ONE NAME?

I HAVE TWO."

AND AT THAT POINT PRINCE

CAME OUT AND SADE AND VANITY

AND APPALONEA AND BRANDY

AND TOPAL AND CHER AND KONTAFLAS

AND FABIAN AND TIFFANY AND CHARO

AND TWIGGY AND LIBERACE AND

JEWEL AND STING AND THEY SAID,

"IN THE LAND OF THE ONE-NAME

BOY, THE TWO-NAME BOY

SHALL RULE!"

AND WE DANCED AND CELEBRATED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN I COLLAPSED 'CAUSE IT

WAS A PRETTY LONG WEEK

ALL-IN-ALL.

AND WHEN I WOKE UP LEANING

OVER ME WAS MICHAEL J. FOX,

GEORGE C. SCOTT, DAVID E. KELLY,

MARY J. BLIDGE, E. G. MARSHALL,

C. THOMAS HOWELL,

M. EMMET WALSH, G.T. WALSH,

LEE J. COBB, JAMES L. BROOKS,

G. D. SPRADLEND

AND EDWARD G. ROBINSON,

S.J. PERLMAN, H. G. WELLS,

JOHN C. REILLY, E.F. HUTTON,

J.P. MORGAN,

AND SAMUEL L. JACKSON SCREAMING,

"DEATH TO THE MAN WITHOUT

THE PRETENTIOUS INITIALS!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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