Steve Byrne - Flat Tire

  • Season 10 , Ep 5
  • 03/02/2006
  • Views: 18,825

You can't drive off a flat tire. (2:28)

I THINK IT'S FUNNYWHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLEWHEN THEY ALMOST WRECK.

LIKE WOMEN, YOU'RE A LOT MORE RATIONAL.

YOU PULL OVERTO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.YOU TAKE A BREATHER.

- YOU KNOW, JUST-- [SOBBING] - [LAUGHTER]

"I ALMOST DIED. I HAVE TO CALL SOMEBODY."

GIRLS ALWAYS HAVE TO CALL SOMEBODY

WHEN SOMETHING SLIGHTLY TRAUMATIC ALMOST HAPPENS.

"OH, MY GOD, YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT ALMOST HAPPENED."

"LET ME GUESS... NOTHING, 'CAUSEIT'S ALMOST. GOODBYE." CLICK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GUYS, THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE. A GUY ALMOST HITS ANOTHER GUY.

YOU LOSE YOUR MIND. I'M JUST DRIVING.

"OH, WHAT? I HATE YOU!"

WANT TO FIGHT. THEN THERE'S THAT AWKWARD RACE TO THE STOPLIGHT.

YOU GET TO THE STOPLIGHT. ONE GUY'S GOT TO

OUT-CRAZY EVERYBODY BY GETTING OUT OF THE CAR.

"DUDE, WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM?

"YEAH, WE ALMOST KILLED EACH OTHER, BUT NOW WE'RE SAFE.

"SO GET OUT OF THE CAR SO WE CAN BEAT THE [BLEEP]

- OUT OF EACH OTHER." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING?

GET IN A CAR ACCIDENT, RIGHT? WHAT'S THE SECOND? FLAT TIRE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

A FLAT TIRE'SSUCH AN AWFUL EXPERIENCE

THAT THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES IT'S HAPPENING, YOU'RE IN COMPLETE DENIAL.

LIKE YOU'RE JUST GONNA DRIVE IT OFF. HUH?

[NOISE IN BACKGROUND]

[NOISE IN BACKGROUND]

THAT'S GOT TO BE THE ROAD. [NOISE CONTINUES]

THEN YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE A FLAT.

THAT'S WHEN PEOPLE START DRIVING NEXT TO YOU--

[HORNS HONKING]YOU GOT A FLAT.

WELL, THANK YOU,GUARDIAN ANGEL SENT FROMTHE HEAVENS IN A CIVIC.

THANK YOU. LIKE THEY DID IT. AND YOU GET OUT OF THE CAR

AND YOU'VE GOT TOBRACE YOURSELF OVER AHIGHWAY DIVIDER OF CARS

BLAZING BY 90 MILES PER HOUR JUST-- [PANTING]-- OH MY GOD--

TRYING TO JACK YOUR CAR BEFORE THAT RIG COMES AND RIPS YOUR BODY IN HALF.

BUT OF COURSE, THE GIRLS IN THE CAR SAFE AS CAN BE,

"WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?" "WELL, WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP, IS WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE."

"ARE YOU ALMOST DONE, 'CAUSE I'M BORED?"

"I'M ALMOST DONE. SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN YOU'VE GOT TO DEAL WITH THAT TRACTOR TRAILER WIND.

YOU EVER FELT THAT WIND?IT'S LIKE LIGHTNING AND THUNDER.

YOU SEE IT FIRST AND THEN YOU FEEL IT.

JUST WORKING ON A CAR--[AAAEERRR...]

BUT I WAS-- OH, MY GOD!

EVERYTHING GETS KICKED UP, DIRT, GLASS.

YOU GET HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A DEAD RACCOON AND A DIRTY NIKE.

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