Nate Bargatze - Big Business

  • Season 15 , Ep 6
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 15,483

You could shoot the entire staff of Wal-Mart and they'd be up and running again in an hour. (3:16)

I MISS THE SOUTH.I MISS GOING DOWN THERE.

LIKE, I MISS BEING ABLE TOGO TO WALMART VERY EASILY.

I'M A WALMART GUY--I LIKE 'EM.

A LOT OF PEOPLEDON'T LIKE WALMART.

THEY SAYIT'S BIG BUSINESS,

LIKE IT KILLSTHE MOM AND POP SHOPS.

BUT, REALLY WALMART,

THEY WERE A MOM ANDPOP SHOP, AT SOME POINT,

AND THEN THEY GOTTHEIR ACT TOGETHER,

AND BECAMEUNBELIEVABLE.

SO, YEAH, I JUSTSTUCK WITH THEM.

THEY'RE ALWAYS OPEN.

MOM AND POP SHOPSCLOSE FOR NO REASON.

YOU GO IN THERE--YOU'RE LIKE,

"WHY ARE YOUCLOSED TODAY?"

THEY'RE LIKE,"WE'RE SAD."

YOU'RE LIKE,"ALL RIGHT.

"THAT'S NOT EVEN-- THAT'S NOTEVEN A LEGIT, LEGIT THING."

WALMART, YOU COULDSHOOT THE ENTIRE STAFF,

IT WOULD BE ANHOUR OF CONFUSION

AND THEY'D BE UPAND RUNNING AGAIN.

THAT'S HOWGREAT WALMART IS.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

THE BEST.

[applause]

WENT TO SCHOOL INTENNESSEE, WHICH IS FUN.

I WENT-I WENT TO A COMMUNITYCOLLEGE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR,

AND I DO NOTHAVE ONE CREDIT.

[audience laughing]

NONE OF IT COUNTED.

THE REASON IS 'CAUSE I HADTO TAKE REMEDIAL CLASSES.

SO, WHICH "REMEDIAL"BASICALLY MEANS--

THEY'RE LIKE,"LOOK, WE HAVE NO IDEA

"HOW YOUR HIGH SCHOOLLET YOU LEAVE.

"AND WE ARE SHOCKED AND WE'REACTUALLY GONNA LOOK INTO IT.

[audience laughing]

"BUT... BUT UNTIL THEN,

"HERE'S YOUR CLASSESYOU'RE GONNA TAKE."

HERE'S WHAT I TOOK:

I TOOK MATH, LIKE,LIKE I DON'T--

LIKE THE BOOKSAID "MATH."

[audience laughing]

LIKE THAT'S WHAT--HOW CRAZY IS THAT?

THEY STOPPED CALLING IT"MATH" AFTER LIKE SIXTH GRADE.

I-I HAD TO TAKE "READING"--I TOOK "READING."

I DROVE TO THAT CLASS--I DROVE TO A "READING" CLASS.

I'M NOT EVEN AN IMMIGRANT--I AM FROM HERE.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOCKEDTHAT OUT YEARS AGO.

AND WITH "READING" I THINKTHEY WERE JUST IMPRESSED

WHEN YOU MADE ITTO THE CLASS.

"LOOK WHO MADE ITTODAY, BUDDY."

YOU'RE LIKE, "FUN, GUYS--YOU GUYS ARE GOOD-- THE BEST."

AND OH, IT SHOTDOWN MY DREAM

'CAUSE I WANTED TO PLAYCOLLEGE BASKETBALL

AND... THAT...THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

IT DIDN'T WORK OUT 'CAUSEI GOT CUT EVERY YEAR

FROM MY HIGH SCHOOLBASKETBALL TEAM,

SO I HAD TO PLAYFOR MY CHURCH

BECAUSE-- YEAH,THE CHURCH CANNOT CUT YOU.

THEY HAVE TO LET YOUPLAY, WHICH IS NICE.

[audience laughing]

THAT'S A GOOD,YOU KNOW, THAT WOULD BE--

I GUESS THEY COULD CUT YOU--YOU'D BE PRETTY BAD IF--

LIKE, "LOOK, WETHINK YOU'RE GOOD,

"BUT JESUS DOES NOTTHINK YOU'RE THAT GOOD.

"YEAH, HE ISOUR CAPTAIN, SO."

[applause]

AND CHURCH BALL WASA LOT DIFFERENT, TOO,

'CAUSE WE PLAYED--IT WAS A HALF COURT,

NO THREE POINT LINE--WE PLAYED ON CARPET.

THAT'S YOUR FIRST SIGNIT'S NOT GONNA COUNT.

AND THEY DIDN'TGIVE US A BASKETBALL.

WE DIDN'THAVE A BALL.

LIKE, WE WOULD JUST STANDOUT THERE AND PLAY ON HONESTY.

SO, YOU'D BE LIKE,"I JUST MADE IT."

HE'S LIKE,"OH, THAT WAS A GOOD SHOT!

"YOU'RE REALLY GOOD."

"I STOLE IT."

"I FORGIVE YOUFOR STEALING IT."

IT WAS MORAL POINTS--IT COUNTS LATER.

[audience laughing]

Loading...