Pat Dixon - Science

  • Season 10 , Ep 17
  • 04/13/2006
  • Views: 4,042

Men can't multitask, but they're sane. (5:02)

SLEPT ON A LOT OF COUCHES.

THAT'S KIND OFOLD-FASHIONED, ISN'T IT?

YOU'RE SLEEPIN' ON THE COUCH TONIGHT, MISTER.

WHAT? OUT HERE WITH THE CABLE?

[LAUGHTER]

OUT BY THE REFRIGERATOR. THIS SUCKS.

I WANTED TO CUDDLE.

HERE I THINK IS THE REASON THAT MEN AND WOMEN DON'T GET ALONG.

YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S ACTUALLY PHYSICAL DIFFERENCES

IN OUR BRAINS? I MEAN, YOU GUYS PROBABLY ARE AWARE OF THIS, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A BIG SECRET.

WE ALL HAVE EMOTION ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF OUR BRAIN

AND LOGIC ON THE LEFT. AND IN BETWEEN IS THIS

CONNECTIVE MEMBRANE ANDIT'S CALLED THE CORPUS CALLOSUM.

AND WOMEN HAVE A PHYSICALLY LARGER

CORPUS CALLOSUM THAN MEN DO. WHICH MEANS YOU GUYS CAN THINK

WITH YOUR WHOLE BRAINS. WHICH SOUNDS GOOD.

BUT IT'S NOT.BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS

IT CONDUCTS A LOT OFEMOTIONAL INPUT

FOR EVERY LOGICAL DECISION THAT YOU GUYS TRY TO MAKE.

AND THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T JUST PICK A DEODORANT, OR A SHAMPOO,

OR GIVE AN ACCURATETIME ESTIMATE.

OR TELL A STORY THAT'S LESS THAN

AN HOUR AND [BLEEP]-DAMN FIFTEEN MINUTES LONG.

IT'S, YOU KNOW, SCIENTIFICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

IT'S NOT JUSTBECAUSE YOU'RE A BITCH. IT'S BECAUSE IT'S--

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- IT'S SCIENCE.

AND THAT MAKESME FEEL BETTER, REALLY.

YOU KNOW IT GOES BOTH WAYS

MEN HAVE A SMALLERCORPUS CALLOSUM.

OBVIOUSLY, IT'S PUNYAND IT'S UNDERDEVELOPED.

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO TURN THE RADIO DOWN IN THE CAR

WHEN WE'RE LOOKIN' FOR STUFF.

- [LAUGHTER] - SO IT'S A TRADEOFF.

WE CAN'T MULTI-TASK. BUT WE'RE SANE.

- AND-- - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I KNOW YOU GUYS ALL GOT READY TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN A WOMAN ASKS ME

SHOULD SHE WEAR THERED ONE OR THE BLUE ONE;

THE SKIRT OR THE JEANS;THE SHOES OR THE BOOTS.

WITH OR WITHOUT THE BELT, IT MAKES ME WANNA

CRAP IN MY HAND... AND THROW IT AT HER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AIN'T LOVE GRAND? AND WE DON'T EVEN HAVE

THE SAME MEANINGS FOR THE SAME WORDS.

WHAT DOES FIVE MINUTES MEAN TO A MAN?

ANYBODY HERE, WHAT DOES FIVE MINUTES MEAN? FIVE MINUTES RIGHT?

WHAT DOES FIVE MINUTESMEAN TO A WOMAN?

IT MEANS, GO STAND BY THE DOOR.

WE'LL LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU'RE FURIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HERE'S A DIFFERENCETHAT I DIDN'T GET FOR

THE LONGEST TIME, TOO. WOMEN, YOU LIKE TO GET

- FLOWERS, RIGHT? TRUE? YES? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT? AND YOU KNOWWE'D SEND 'EM.

BUT WE DON'TUNDERSTAND THAT AT ALL. WE DON'T GET IT.

BECAUSE WE WOULD NEVER WANT TO GET FLOWERS.

SO WE'RE LIKE A RAT PUSHING A BAR TO GET A PELLET,

- AT THIS POINT. - [LAUGHTER]

WE WOULDN'T WANT TO GET 'EM. SO WE DON'T--

WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO GET FLOWERS-- ANY GUY?

WE'D RATHER GET $40 WORTH OF ANYTHING.

- C-BATTERIES. RIGHT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT FOR WOMEN, IT'S FLOWERS. WHERE DO YOU LIKE TO BE,

WHEN YOU GET 'EM? JUST YELL IT OUT.

AT WORK. RIGHT.YEAH. AND WHY?

YEAH, YOU GET 'EM. YOU'RE LIKE, YEAH,

LOOK AT THIS, YOU BITCHES. CHECK THIS OUT HERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK AT THIS, YOU BITCHES. I GOT FLOWERS HERE.

THEY SHOULD MAKE A BOUQUET THAT COMES WITH LIKE A TIARA AND A SASH.

[LAUGHING]OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S TRUE. WOMEN LOVE FLOWERS, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE THEY'RE PRETTY AND THEY SMELL GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT MEN LOVE? VAGINAS.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE THEY'RE PRETTY...

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOWI'M JUST KIDDING AROUND.I'M JUST KIDDING--

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE GROSS OR WEIRD OR ANYTHING.

I'M JUST SAYIN' WOMEN LOVE FLOWERS.

AND FEEL GOOD ABOUTYOUR BODIES, TOO, WOMEN.

YOU KNOW, DON'T START--YOU GET A LITTLE OLDER,

YOU GET A LITTLE INSECURE. YOUR BODIES STILL LOOK GREAT.

I WAS WITH A LADY ONCE--MUCH OLDER THAN ME--

SHE STILL HAD A GREAT BODY, WHICH I LOVE.

GREAT BREASTS. YOU KNOW, NOT LARGE BUT-- YOU KNOW,

- LONG. - [LAUGHTER]

THEY WERE LONG. THEY WERE LIKE FERRETS, ACTUALLY.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY WERE LONG WITH LITTLE WHISKERS ON THE END, YOU KNOW?

SHE TOOK OFF HER SHIRT. I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO DO

FOREPLAY OR MAKE BALLOON ANIMALS, YOU KNOW. THERE'S A LOT YOU CAN DO.

HEY, THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.YOU'RE FANTASTIC.

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