Jimmy Shubert - Airport Security

  • Season 8 , Ep 8
  • 02/19/2004
  • Views: 6,916

Jimmy Shubert: ALRIGHT!

OKAY.

ALRIGHT, SETTLE DOWN.

OH!

OH, MAN.

YOU ARE TOO KIND.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NEW YORK CITY, WOW!

I FLEW IN.

I HAD TO GET PAST THAT

CRACK SECURITY AT THE AIRPORT.

I DON'T FEEL ANY SAFER.

WHAT DOES THE TSA ACTUALLY

STAND FOR?

"TAKE SCISSORS AWAY"?

[LAUGHTER]

"THOUSANDS STANDING AROUND"?

YOU KNOW?

WHO LEFT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

IN CHARGE OF AIRPORT SECURITY?

THE SAME PEOPLE THAT PAY $600

FOR A TOILET PLUNGER ARE NOW

RESPONSIBLE FOR PROTECTING ME

FROM A KABAL OF INTERNATIONAL

TERRORISTS?

THAT OUGHTA MAKE YOU FEEL ABOUT

AS SAFE AS A GERBIL IN THE FRONT

WINDOW OF A SAN FRANCISCO

PET SHOP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT

HAPPENED.

I'M GETTIN' READY TO GET ON

THE PLANE AND THEY PULL ME

AND A 70 YEAR-OLD LADY OUT OF

LINE AND I GO, AH, WELL,

THIS MUST BE SOME OF THAT RACIAL

PROFILIN' I'VE BEEN HEARIN'

SO MUCH ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, "GET THE IRISH GUY

AND THE CHICK WITH THE WALKER.

I THINK THEY'RE A TEAM."

YOU KNOW.

MEANWHILE, AHMED AND MOHAMMED

ARE KINDA SKIPPIN' DOWN THE

GANGPLANK WITH YOU KNOW,

WITH A COUPLE OF CAMELS IN TOW.

THAT SEEMS TO BE OKAY, YOU KNOW.

IN THE MEANTIME, ME AND

MRS. DOUBTFIRE ARE SPREAD EAGLE

AGAINST THE BACK WALL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE GUY'S RUBBIN' HIS MAGNETIC

WAND ALL UP IN OUR CROTCH AREAS.

THEY'RE RIPPIN' OFF GRANNY'S

ORTHOPEDIC WALKIN' BOOT MAKIN'

SURE IT'S NOT FILLED WITH C-4.

THE GUY'S RIFLIN' MY BAG

COMES ACROSS MY NAIL CLIPPER,

GOING "SIR, YOU ARE NOT GONNA

BE ABLE TO BOARD A PLANE

WITH A NAIL CLIPPER."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, YOU GOTTA BE PRETTY GOOD

TO HIJACK A PLANE WITH A

NAIL CLIPPER.

YOU GO ON THE PLANE, YOU KICK

OPEN THE COCKPIT AND WRESTLE

THE PILOT.

SHOE OFF--

"ALRIGHT!

YOU TAKE ME TO LAGUARDIA

OR I'M GONNA TRIM YOUR TOENAILS

REALLY SHORT SO IT HURTS WHEN

YOU WALK!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'LL CLIP THAT LITTLE PINKY TOE

TILL IT BLEEDS, BITCH!

NOW YOU GET THIS PLANE AIRBORNE,

OR IT'S BAD PEDICURES FOR

EVERYBODY!

I GOT NAIL CLIPPER, I'LL USE

IT!"

YA MENTAL MIDGET!

WHAT IS-- WHAT?

WHY DON'T YOU GO PAT DOWN THE

LITTLE KID IN THE

WINNIE-THE-POOH KNAPSACK

ONE MORE TIME?

THAT'LL MAKE ME FEEL SAFE.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE IT.

EVERYBODY'S GOTTA TAKE OFF THEIR

SHOES NOW.

I LOVE THAT.

ONE GUY GETS ON THE PLANE WITH

AN EXPLODING SHOE AND NOW WE ALL

GOTTA TAKE OFF OUR SHOES 'CAUSE

OF ONE GUY.

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN MEAN TO DO IT

ACCORDING TO HIS ATTORNEY.

HE WAS JUST WEARING HIS

EXPLODING LOAFERS THAT DAY

AND FORGET HE WAS FLYING.

THAT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYBODY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, JESUS.

HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THE GUY WITH

A SHOE BOMB COMIN' A MILE AWAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE IT WHEN THEY MAKE THE

WOMEN TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES.

"MA'AM, TAKE OFF YOUR HEELS.

RUN 'EM THROUGH THE X-RAY

MACHINE."

YEAH, LIKE ANY WOMAN'S GONNA

BLOW UP A PERFECTLY GOOD PAIR OF

SHOES!

ALRIGHT?

CAN YOU JUST PICK IT UP?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

ONE GUY DID IT, NOW WE ALL GOTTA

TAKE OFF OUR SHOES.

WHAT HAPPENS IF ONE OF THESE

FANATICAL LUNATICS MANAGES

TO SMUGGLE A STICK OF DYNAMITE

UP IN HIS RECTUM?

AND THEY CATCH THAT GUY?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR THE REST

OF US?

[LAUGHTER]

I ALREADY GOT MY SHOES

UNDERNEATH MY ARM AND A DRIVER'S

LICENSE I GOTTA SHOW EVERY

NINE FEET.

"YEAH, IT'S ME.

HEY, GUESS WHO IT IS.

IT'S ME AGAIN.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE

IT, IT'S ME AGAIN!

HEY, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!"

YOU KNOW, AND THEN FINALLY

YOU GET TO THAT LITTLE TUNNEL.

OKAY GREAT, I'M GONNA GET ON THE

PLANE.

OH, NO, ONE MORE CHECKPOINT.

GUY'S GOT A BIG VAT OF K-Y JELLY

AND A RUBBER GLOVE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GOTTA SHOW YOUR DRIVER'S

LICENSE ONE MORE TIME AND THEN

DROP TROU...

[LAUGHTER]

WHILE THE GUY STICKS HIS FINGERS

IN YOUR MUD CUTTER.

ALRIGHT!

"HAS YOUR ASS BEEN IN YOUR

CONTROL THE WHOLE TIME?"

[LAUGHTER]

"YES, MY ASS HAS BEEN IN MY

CONTROL THE WHOLE TIME."

"HAS ANYONE ELSE PACKED YOUR

ASS?"

"NOBODY'S PACKED MY ASS,

YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!

YOU FREAK!"

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

THEY GOT ALL THE SECURITY

MEASURES IN PLACE.

THEY GOT ALL THOSE RETINA

SCANNERS.

YOU KNOW, I FLY ALL THE TIME,

YOU KNOW.

I HAVE A VESTED INTEREST

IN ARRIVING SAFELY AT MY

DESTINATION, YOU KNOW?

I THINK YOU SHOULD KEEP IT

SIMPLE.

I THINK IF YOU HAVE AN AMERICAN

PASSPORT AND ABOVE ROOM

TEMPERATURE IQ, I THINK THE

AIRLINE SHOULD GIVE YOU A GUN AS

YOU'RE GETTIN' ON THE AIRPLANE.

[LAUGHTER]

"HERE'S A GUN FOR YOU.

AND THERE'S A GUN FOR YOU.

AND YOU DON'T GET ONE!

GET IN THERE!"

AND THAT WAY WHEN AHMED

STANDS UP WITH HIS BOX CUTTER,

"I'M HIJACKING THE PLANE!"

I GO, "I DON'T THINK SO,

BUTT-LICK!

NOW SIT DOWN AND WATCH SHREK

AND EAT YOUR PEANUTS.

'CAUSE THIS SON OF A BITCH

IS GOIN' TO PHILLY JUST LIKE

THE TICKET SAYS."

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