who was 5'11".
She wanted to have sexstanding up in the shower.
I rocked that ( bleep ).
She almost got me
a couple of times,but I rocked that ( bleep ).
You know, guys,
I hate when girls complainabout not getting theirs in bed.
You ever hear that?Right? That complaint?
"Oh, my God, you got yours.I didn't even get mine."
"Let me get on topso I can get mine.
You got yours last time.I didn't even get mine."
What are you talking about,not getting yours?
How about earlier that night
when you ate and drankfor free, you got yours?
Can I get free seconds?Thank you.
Some girls did notlike that at all-- "Screw you."
I like how you startedclapping--
Like, "Oh, that's right. No."
I don't know, man.
Don't go to bars to meet ladies.That's the worst place.
I went to a bar, I gota fake phone number from a girl.
Any of you guys ever gone out,
and got that fakephone number from a girl?
Any of you girls ever given outthe fake phone number?
( women whooping )
Whores, right there.
There you go.
It's funny.What the hell is that?
You don't understand. The guywaits all night to talk to you.
Finally comes over,gets the phone number,
waits three daysjust to call up...
( imitates phone tone )
Son of a bitch.
Did I just wait three daysto call a fake phone number?
Are you serious?
But, yo, guys, don't worry.I figured it out.
If you ever get a wrong phonenumber, it's only one digit off.
'Cause girls can't come up
with a whole new phone numberon the spot.
Say what? Oh, my God.
That's it. Oh, my God.
They just changethe last digit. 996...
Hey, there you go.Hope I never see you again. Bye.
So next time that happens,
figure out the last digitand call her up.
Hey, I found you.
I love you.Look out your window.
You know, guys...
You're gonna use that, too.
You're like,"Yeah, that's a good one."
You know, guys,how I know all about...
all this stuff about women?
It's 'causeI have a girl roommate.
It's pretty coolliving with a girl
that you're not tryingto hook up with.
You get all this insideinformation, like,
"Hey, what do girls like?What do girls want?"
"What can I doto impress this girl?"
The only problem isshe just talks
about herself on and on and on.
Have you ever hada conversation with a girl
and they wind themselves intoanother topic and another topic
and another-- you didn't askabout any of that?
Like I saw herfor one simple thing--
"Hey, you want to getsomething to eat?"
She's like, "Yeah, let's goto 101 Cafe.
"Last time I was thereI saw your fan Tony.
"He's a cool skateboarder.Does he snowboard?
"'Cause I was snowboardingwith your cousin
last winter and I thoughtlet's be naked for Halloween."
I'm like, "Huh, uh, uh, uh..."
Then she stopsand wants me to say something.
"What do you think?"
What am I supposed to say?
I feel like I gotto cover 20 topics
in, like, one quick sentence.
So I'm like, "I didn't knowyour dad was an electrician.
"You're allergicto peanut butter?
"You made a kite of your pantsin the third grade?
"That's crazy. You can'tget herpes like that.
"That girl is a bitch.I don't know why
that guy didn't call you back."