Todd Lynn - Going Through Phases

  • Season 9, Ep 14
  • 05/12/2005
  • Views: 4,180

Black people can't go through phases like white people can. (3:37)

Todd Lynn: I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS TOO,

NOW HERE'S WHERE I GET TO THE

TOUGH PART.

AND A LOT OF TIMES THIS OFFENDS

PEOPLE.

AND I DON'T WANT ANYBODY

TO TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY.

BUT THIS IS HOW I FEEL 'CAUSE

IT'S "MY DAMN SHOW."

[LAUGHTER]

UM, I DON'T LIKE WHITE PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

NAW, NAW, YOU DON'T--

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

I'M ACTUALLY JEALOUS 'CAUSE

OTHER DAY I HAD AN ARGUMENT

WITH A GUY.

AND I REALIZED THAT THERE IS--

WHITE PEOPLE HAVE NO RACIALLY

DEROGATORY SLUR THAT I CAN

ACTUALLY CALL THEM THAT REALLY

GETS UP UNDER THEIR SKIN AND

MAKES THEM WANT TO PUNCH ME IN

THE FACE.

THERE IS NOT ONE.

AND EVERY RACE HAS ONE.

ABSOLUTELY EVERY RACE HAS ONE.

WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL DON'T HAVE

ONE.

YOU DON'T.

ALL Y'ALL GOT IS CRACKER.

AND THAT DON'T WORK.

IT DON'T, I TRIED IT.

I LIKE, "CRACKER."

THEY BE LIKE, "WHATEVER,

GIVE ME SOME SOUP WITH THAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SAID

'CRACKER.'"

[LAUGHTER]

I TRIED TO BE RACIST.

YOU ALL JUST DISMISSED IT.

"AH, AH, AH, AH."

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, AND I TRIED

EVERYTHING.

I TRIED HONKEY, BUT HONKEY

DON'T WORK.

IT DOESN'T.

'CAUSE THINK ABOUT IT.

I SAY HONKEY 'BOUT TWO TIMES

I START LOOKING LIKE A DAMN

IDIOT.

I'M LIKE, "HONKEY!

HONKEY!"

BY THE THIRD HONKEY I DONE

TURNED INTO GEORGE JEFFERSON.

I'M LIKE, "SHUT UP, HONKEY!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"COME ON WEEZIE, DO THE HONKEY

DANCE."

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

I'M JEALOUS OF WHITE GUYS, TOO.

I USED TO HAVE A BUNCH OF

BUDDIES MAN, THAT-- I LIVED IN

LIKE AN ALL WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD.

AND ALL MY FRIENDS WERE LIKE

WHITE GUYS.

AND THEY COULD DO STUFF I COULD

NEVER DO.

THEY COULD GO THROUGH PHASES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ALL KNOW

WHAT A PHASE IS.

I JUST SEE YOU POINT.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT THE PHASES.

A PHASE IS SOMETHING WHERE YOU

CAN DO ANY OUTRAGEOUS THING AND

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR IT BECAUSE

IT'S JUST A PHASE.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR JIMMY

COULD GO THROUGH PHASES,

ALL RIGHT.

HE COULD DO CRAZY STUFF LIKE

HE WOULD GO UP UNDER HIS

MOTHER'S SINK, SNORT COCAINE,

SCREW HIS POODLE, SLAP A

POLICEMAN.

HE WOULD GO TO JAIL.

HIS MOTHER WOULD GO RIGHT DOWN

THERE AND GET HIM OUT OF JAIL.

IT WOULD BE NO PROBLEM

WHATSOEVER.

SHE WOULD GO DOWN THERE AND BE

LIKE, "JIMMY'S NOT A BAD KID.

HE'S REALLY GOOD.

HE'S JUST GOING THROUGH A

PHASE."

I'M STILL ON PROBATION FROM

SCREWING THE POODLE, OKAY?

I'M--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I COULDN'T GO THROUGH THAT

PHASE.

THAT'S NOT A PHASE I COULD GO

THROUGH.

IT AIN'T.

AND YOU KNOW I TELL YOU ELSE

YOU CAN GET THIS OFF.

WOMEN CAN GO THROUGH PHASES,

ALSO.

WOMEN CAN DO THE MOST OUTLANDISH

THINGS AND NOT BE RESPONSIBLE

FOR IT.

LIKE WOMEN CAN DO THINGS LIKE

HAVE RELATIONS WITH OTHER WOMEN.

SLEEP WITH THEIR COLLEGE

ROOMMATE AND THEY BE LIKE,

"YEAH, YOU KNOW, I SLEPT WITH

A WOMAN ONCE, NOT REALLY INTO

WOMEN.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S JUST A PHASE."

YOU, YOU, YOU--

THAT, THAT, THAT--

YOU CAN'T GO THROUGH THAT

DAMN PHASE WITH HIM, CAN YOU?

YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITH HIM.

YOU CAN'T EVEN BE LIKE, "OH,

I-- YOU KNOW, ME AND REGGIE

SCREWED BUT I'M NOT REALLY INTO

GUYS.

IT WAS JUST A PHASE."

NO, ONCE YOU SLEEP WITH A GUY,

YOU HAVE ALWAYS SLEPT WITH A

GUY.

YOU CAN NOT DO IT.

YOU CAN NOT TAKE IT AWAY.

YOU SLEEP WITH GUYS.

IT'S JUST THAT THERE'S NOTHING

YOU CAN DO.

THERE'S NO MANLY THING THAT YOU

CAN DO, ALL RIGHT?

YOU CAN START WEARING A

LOINCLOTH, WALK AROUND WITH A

SWORD AND AN AX, SLAYING DRAGONS

IN THE MIDDLE OF BROADWAY.

YOU WILL JUST BE THE SISSY

DRAGON SLAYER.

THAT'S IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TODD LYNN Y'ALL.

I APPRECIATE YOUR ALL TIME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By

mCCaptioni

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