Uncensored - Kumail Nanjiani - Pakistani Birthday Entertainment Pt. 2

Kumail Nanjiani: Beta Male Season 1, Ep 1 07/20/2013 Views: 13,058

Kumail Nanjiani discovers that watching animals fight to the death is not as fun as one might think. (2:24)

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We're at this birthday,

and no monkeyshows up,

and we're all complaining,

"What kind of birthdayis this?

There's not evena monkey?"

We've all thought that,right?


"What kind of birthday is this?Not even a monkey?"

"Happy birthday.

"Thank you very much.

Happy birthday.Thank you very much."

Playing over and over,burrowing into our skulls.

"Happy birthday.Thank you very much.

Happy birthday."

And then suddenlythe music stops,

and this guy shows up.

And in one hand,he's got a sack,

and he pulls out a cobra.

In the other hand,he's got a cage,

and he pulls outa mongoose,

which is likea giant ferret.

And he says,"These two are going to fight

for you."

And we're like,"Fuck yes, they are!"

"Yes, they are!

This is the best birthdayof all time!"

We all get in a circle.

Who's gonna win,the snake, the mongoose?

Who cares?We win, high five.

We get in a circle.

By the way,there is no fence

between usand the combatants.

So whatever winsis coming for us next.

We don't even consider that.

To us, it's like Street Fighter, you know?

He's gonna Hadokenthe one guy,

we go three rounds,we eat cake.

What a day.

We get in a circle.

We're all cheering

at the top of our lungs.

One hand birthday cake,one hand in the air,

cheering,top of our lungs.

Imagine little Pakistani kidslosing their minds.

The fight starts.

Like, 40 seconds in,it becomes very clear

that this cobra'sgonna lose.

The fightlasts 15 minutes,

as parts of the snakeare ripped off

by the mongoose's teeth.


In the beginning,we're all cheering.

The last ten minutes,everybody just watches

completely silently

as the snakeis ripped to shreds.

There's a two-year-old kidwatching,

and he's not even crying.

I bet he didn't cryfor a year after that.

There's blood everywhere.

Nobody's makingeye contact.

I'm like, "Alumasterwould never allow this

to happen."

Even the grown-upsare walking around like,

"We've madea huge mistake."