Diary of an Anti-Trump Fugitive

October 31, 2016 - Jeff Ross 10/31/2016 Views: 27,523

Desi Lydic documents what President Donald Trump's America looks like for members of the media and women. (4:16)

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-(static)-Come on, man! Oh, we're back!

We're back. We're back.No... change.

Oh, there.Hey, we're back.

You know, I've been watchingsome of the TV

that's on right now,and the only thing worse

than not being on the air isbeing on the air all the time.

Because Trump loves Twitter,

he's forced Chris Hardwickto do his show 24 hours a day.

-Look at this.-So, comedians,

what are some other thingsthat are amazing

about the great and powerfulPresident Trump

whom we all adore?

April?

He respects womenlike you can't even believe.

(sighs)Points.

That poor man.That poor boy.

Oh, (bleep).Oh, I almost forgot.

Oh, this thing was crazy.

Um, while I was goingaround the studio

searching for a cockroachto brush my teeth,

I came across this. This.

I came across this drivewith a handwritten note--

so you know it's important--says "play me."

Yeah, must be important'cause nobody writes anymore.

Hold on.I'll just plug this in.

-(static)-Oh.

I hope this works.

Uh, this is Desi Lydic.

It's February 4, 2020.

This is my video diary.

Um, I am on the run,

uh, because people like me,who believe in facts,

have been labeledenemies of the state.

Sam Bee has been captured.

Stephen Colbert is living ina cave about a mile from here.

Um, even in this world,he's gone viral.

What I mean is,his skin is being eaten alive

by some kind of virus.

He's dying.

Uh, under President Trump,

every woman hasto wear an armband

and gets a ratingbetween one and ten.

I am a seven.

Um, I was almost an eight,but they said I was overweight.

So as a seven,I can't drive a car,

but I can ride a bicycle

and eat in public withouthaving my food taken away

by the Fat-Shaming Commission,which, ironically,

is just a bunchof fat white men.

In conclusion,if the Trump White House thinks

that their restrictive,misogynist garbage

is gonna keep me from doing what I do,

(laughs) then they gotanother thing comin'.

Back to you, Trevor.

(imitates Noah):Desi Lydic, everybody!

-(toy squeaking)-I'm Trevor Noah.

I thought my accentwould save me, but nope.

Look at my adorable rat dimples.

(laughing)

You can't stop me.

(groans)

July 13, 2020.

I don't feel good.

Uh, I'm not really sure why.

I haven't come in contactwith anyone

except for the ratI sleep under a tarp with.

Uh, October 21.

My sickness has passed.

I do thinkI've lost some weight.

(electronic chime)

Yep.

I am now officially an eight.

So that means I can vote,

uh, I can have dessert

on Saturdays,

and I can speak freelyaround men if I raise my hand.

Right, Trevor?(laughs)

Trevor? Trevor?

Trevor?

Oh, no.

(sniffles)Oh, no, Trevor.

I miss my old life...

when I had a house and a job...(sniffles)

and I wasn't wearingKanye Jedi clothes.

(crying, sniffling)

Oh, God, I just feellike I'm losing my mind.

(crunching)

(takes deep breath)

No. No, I'm fine.

(sobbing):Desi!

Why, Trump?!

(sobbing)

Why?

What do you mean, ad break?

Who the (bleep)is taking us to ad break?

It's a...it's a pirate broadcast--

I don't want your Doritos!

Okay, I want your Doritos.I want Doritos.