Doug Mellard - Gay Bars

Season 1 Views: 5,437

Doug Mellard likes to go to gay bars and mess with people. (2:00)

-I'm a big fan ofbathroom graffiti.

But I don't understand.

Like, usually it saysstuff like, "Boobies rock!"

You know, or whatever.

I'm like, that's cool.

You gotta have yourbeliefs, you know.

But I was hangingout in Aventura.

And I don't understand thegraffiti in the bathrooms

there at all, you know?

It says stuff like, "Hipreplacement surgery sucks."

[laughter]

"I miss my teeth." "GlennMiller is awesome."

It's fantastic.

I don't really get it.

I'm baffled.

It's good stuff, though.

I like to go to gaybars and pretend

I have no idea where I'm at.

And then I go up toevery fellow there,

and I say somethinglike, "Dude, you

have no idea how gayyou look right now."

When you're wearing DaisyDukes, it's kind of awkward.

I also like to goto a gym, and ask

people to spot meon a treadmill.

That's super fun.

They're always confused.

I'm like, "Look, dude.

Like, just, here's the net.

Catch me.

Let's go." and I put onmy cape and my helmet.

It's awesome.

I talked to my financialadvisor this morning.

And he told me, Doug, youshould probably get some money.

He is really good.

I paid him with a subway coupon.

It was awesome.

I'm broke.

That's the joke.

By a round of applause,anybody here ever wake

up in the morning, you'reputting on a pair of pants,

and you find, like,$5 in those pants?

Anybody?

All right.

Sweet!

Well, can I have it?

It's not a joke.

I'm just poor.

I bet the first Christmas afterJesus died was really awkward,

when Santa Claus showed upand everybody was like, boo!

Too soon!

Go home, All you fat bastard.

It's a desert.

Why are you wearing a coat?

Your reindeer are dead.

I feel sorry forblack men named Tom

that have nieces and nephews.

That's just awkward.

Um.

Explain it to yourneighbor, maybe.

Thank you, buddy.

The one person that got it.

All right.

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