Doug Mellard - Gay Bars

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Doug Mellard likes to go to gay bars and mess with people. (2:00)

-I'm a big fan ofbathroom graffiti.

But I don't understand.

Like, usually it saysstuff like, "Boobies rock!"

You know, or whatever.

I'm like, that's cool.

You gotta have yourbeliefs, you know.

But I was hangingout in Aventura.

And I don't understand thegraffiti in the bathrooms

there at all, you know?

It says stuff like, "Hipreplacement surgery sucks."


"I miss my teeth." "GlennMiller is awesome."

It's fantastic.

I don't really get it.

I'm baffled.

It's good stuff, though.

I like to go to gaybars and pretend

I have no idea where I'm at.

And then I go up toevery fellow there,

and I say somethinglike, "Dude, you

have no idea how gayyou look right now."

When you're wearing DaisyDukes, it's kind of awkward.

I also like to goto a gym, and ask

people to spot meon a treadmill.

That's super fun.

They're always confused.

I'm like, "Look, dude.

Like, just, here's the net.

Catch me.

Let's go." and I put onmy cape and my helmet.

It's awesome.

I talked to my financialadvisor this morning.

And he told me, Doug, youshould probably get some money.

He is really good.

I paid him with a subway coupon.

It was awesome.

I'm broke.

That's the joke.

By a round of applause,anybody here ever wake

up in the morning, you'reputting on a pair of pants,

and you find, like,$5 in those pants?


All right.


Well, can I have it?

It's not a joke.

I'm just poor.

I bet the first Christmas afterJesus died was really awkward,

when Santa Claus showed upand everybody was like, boo!

Too soon!

Go home, All you fat bastard.

It's a desert.

Why are you wearing a coat?

Your reindeer are dead.

I feel sorry forblack men named Tom

that have nieces and nephews.

That's just awkward.


Explain it to yourneighbor, maybe.

Thank you, buddy.

The one person that got it.

All right.