Amanda Melson - Procrastorbate

Season 2, Ep 0201 05/17/2007 Views: 8,904

Amanda Melson doesn't think she has to explain the word she invented. (3:29)

Feeling psyched?


Yeah, me neither.

It's cool, it's cool.

Uh, I just read about this study

that says that apparently,when women go on dates,

they decide if they're goingto sleep with the guy or not

in the first 12 seconds.

Seems wrong to me, you know?

How are these womengetting drunk so fast?!

Hey, I can't even orderin that amount of time.

I'm very lazy. I'm lazy.

I had kind of a lazy,do-nothing day today.

I didn't get a lot done.

But I did invent a new word.

That's something.

And the word is"procrasturbate."

Yeah, thanks.

I think some of youhave been there.

I don't think I haveto explain it, you know.

Basically, I don't knowwhat you did

or didn't do,but if you did them both...


I just got a veryinexpensive haircut.


Who's jealous?


But it was good, because my hairwas getting really long.

Like, long to the point where

it looked like I might havebeen homeschooled.

You know what I mean?

You know, that kind of lookthat says,

"I learned about physicson the trampoline."


It's not good.

You either need a haircutor a bonnet.


One of those would work.

Uh, I was not homeschooled,but I am from Texas.

(whoop, scattered applause)

Hmm. Yes, thank you.

That's kind ofhow I feel about it, too.

You know, sort of like,you know, "Tacos, yay!"

And executingretarded people, boo!

I'm not into that.

But, uh, my parents still livein Texas,

and they love to come visit mehere in New York.

They love to!

And they pick the samegeneral day every year

to come visit me.

Always, always, Gay Pride Day.


Which is fine, it's fine.

Uh, but I feel like

they have kind ofa skewed vision of New York.

You know, like,

my mom's at hometalking to her friends.

Like, "Remember that show Will and Grace?

"Pack of lies.

"Gay men in New Yorkdo not wear suits, okay?

"They dress up like cheerleaders

"and whip each otherin the street.


"It's... it's what they do.

"If they're not coveredin glitter

"and marching down Fifth Avenue,it's not Sunday.

I know. I've been to New Yorkfive times."


People are into all kindsof bizarre-o stuff.

I read that, apparently,13% of young men living

in rural America lose theirvirginity to livestock.

(laughter and groaning)

Oh. It's not... No.

That is not right.

Those poor cows!

I'm thinking of startingthe first annual

Take Back the Field rally.


Uh, I've got some slogansfor the cows, you know?

Like, "Moo means no!"

You know? Right, or, like,

"Hey, stop treating uslike women,

and start treating uslike pieces of meat."