Eugene Mirman - Accept Me as Your God

  • Season 1 , Ep 1
  • 01/08/2010
  • Views: 35,855

Religion becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's. (2:33)

(scattered applause)YES, YOU'RE WELCOME.

I WROTE A BOOKAND DID A BOOK TOUR

WHERE YOU GO TO BOOK STORESAND READ FROM YOUR BOOK.

IT'S VERY NORMAL.

AND WHAT I FOUND OUT WAS THAT INEVERY CITY AT EVERY BOOKSTORE,

THERE WAS A CRAZY PERSON.

(laughter)

WHEN I WAS IN SEATTLE,THERE WAS A LADY

WHO HAD A CUP OF NOODLESTHAT SHE BROUGHT FROM HOME

THAT SHE WAS EATINGTHE WHOLE TIME,

BUT IT TURNS OUT THIS WOMANHAD BEEN BANNED

FOR TRYING TO SCALP TICKETSTO A FREE STEPHEN KING READING,

AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CAN COME BACKFOR EUGENE."

SO SHE'S EATING THE NOODLES,AND THERE'S SOME POINT

IN MY BOOK WHERE I GO,"I'M JEWISH. SORRY."

WHATEVER IT IS,AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

THIS WOMAN STOPS EATING,AND SHE GOES,

"WHY DID YOU APOLOGIZEFOR BEING JEWISH?"

AND I BECAME A LITTLE ANNOYED,SO I WENT,

"BECAUSE IT'SA TERRIBLE THING!"

(laughter)

WHICH HORRIFIED HER.

BUT THE THING THAT WAS AMAZINGAT THAT READING

WAS THAT THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY,LIKE A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY IN BACK,

AND HE POINTED AT ME,AND HE WENT,

"WHY IS EVERYBODY LOOKING AT HIMAND NOT AT ME?

OH, BECAUSE HE'S FUNNY."

LIKE THAT.IT WAS ADORABLE BUT WEIRD.

(laughter)

AND IT TURNED OUTTHAT THIS 12-YEAR-OLD BOY

WAS THE SON OF SOMEONEWHO WORKED THERE,

AND THAT HE HAD ASPERSER'S.

SO HE COULDN'T JUDGESOCIAL SITUATIONS.

HE CREATED RULESAND RITUALS FOR HIMSELF.

AND THEN HE SAIDTHE MOST AMAZING THING.

HE POINTED AT ME AGAIN,AND HE WENT,

"WHY DOESN'T HE ACCEPT MEAS HIS GOD?!"

(laughter)

IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

BUT WHAT THAT LITTLE BOYDOESN'T UNDERSTAND

IS THAT I DO.

I DO ACCEPT HIM AS MY GOD.

(laughter and applause)

SURE.

I FIND THE SPECIFICITYOF RELIGION VERY CONFUSING.

LIKE, IF YOU'RE JEWISH,YOU HAVE TO WEAR A HAT,

BUT ONLY IN THE MIDDLEOF YOUR HEAD.

BUT IT ALL BECOMES CLEARTHE SECOND THAT YOU REALIZE

THAT GOD IS A 12-YEAR-OLD BOYWITH ASPERSER'S.

EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE.

NO WONDER HE'S LIKE,"YOU CAN'T EAT PORK,

AND YOU CAN'T EAT HORSES!"

YOU'RE LIKE,"I WASN'T GONNA EAT A HORSE."

AND HE'S LIKE,"GOOD! 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T!"

NO WONDER HE'S LIKE,"I... UP THE EARTH.

"I SHOULD PROBABLY FLOOD IT

"AND GET TWO OF EVERY ANIMALON A BOAT.

THAT'S THE ONLY SOLUTIONI SEE."

(cheers and applause)

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