Uncensored - Ralphie May - Gay Tony

Season 1 , Ep 101 Views: 30,508

Ralphie May is thankful that gay men take a minimum of two handsome men off the market. (4:09)

I GOTTA BE HONEST

WITH YOU,AS A FAT GUY THAT'S

ALWAYS DONE BETTER WITH WOMENTHAN I EVER SHOULD HAVE,

I THINK IT'S ALL DUETO GAY MEN.

I'VE GOT TO BE HONESTWITH YOU.

EVERY GAY MANIS EFFECTIVELY TAKING

AT LEAST A MINIMUMOF TWO HANDSOME MEN

OFF THE MARKET, OKAY?

THAT LEAVES BEAUTIFUL WOMENWITH NO CHOICE BUT TO COME

TO SOMEBODY LIKE ME.

I'M THE ONLY ONE LEFT.

EVERYBODY'S ALREADY LEFTTHE PARTY.

I'M THE LAST ONE THERE, OKAY?

MY ODDS ARE UP, OKAY?

THAT'S A WINGMAN.

EVERY GAY MAN IS THE GREATESTWINGMAN YOU'LL EVER HAVE, OKAY?

IF YOU WENT TOA STRAIGHT PARTY, OKAY,

WITH ALL YOUR STRAIGHTFRIENDS, OKAY,

AND SOMEONE HANDED YOUA PILL,

SAID "TAKE THIS,"AND YOU DO,

AND YOU'RE DRINKINGA COUPLE OF BEERS,

AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS MAYBELIKE A VICODIN OR SOMETHING--

'CAUSE, COME ON,LET'S BE HONEST,

IN THE MIDWEST,WE SAVE OUR PAINKILLERS

TILL WHEN WE'RE FEELING BETTER.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT?

RIGHT? RIGHT?

AND IT TURNED OUTTO BE A PERCOCET.

AND YOU PASSED OUT LIKEA BITCH, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT?

WHILE YOU'RE PASSED OUT,DO YOU THINK THAT

ANY OF YOUR STRAIGHT FRIENDSWOULD NOT TRY TO BANG

YOUR SUPER-HOT GIRLFRIEND?

OF COURSE THEY WOULD, 'CAUSETHEY'RE SONS OF BITCHES, RIGHT?

THEY'RE TOTAL DICKS.

TOTAL DICKS.

SAME THING HAPPENED ATYOUR GAY BUDDY'S HOUSE, OKAY.

YOU PASS OUT,YOU WAKE UP.

BOOM, SHE'S MORE BANG-ABLETHAN WHEN YOU WENT TO SLEEP.

SHE'S PRETTIER.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,YOU'RE EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL--

IS THIS THE DRUGS?"AND THAT'S WHEN YOUR GAY FRIEND

WOULD COME IN.

"WE HAD A MAKEOVER!

IT WAS AWESOME.

WE RE-DID HER HAIR,HIGHLIGHTS AND LOWLIGHTS.

AND THEN WE STRIPPEDALL THE MAKEUP OFF

AND WENT TO EARTH TONESAND JUST HIGHLIGHTED HER EYES.

AND, YOU KNOW, WE JUSTHAD A GOOD TIME, OKAY?

YOU KNOW, IT WAS GREAT."

THAT'S A WINGMAN, BROTHER.

THAT'S A WINGMAN.

THAT'S WHO YOU WANTFIGHTING FOR YOU.

WHENEVER YOU'RE DRIVING AROUNDAND YOU SEE A MAN

BEHIND THE WHEELOF A MINI COOPER

OR A P.T. CRUISER OR A PRIUS--[laughs]

EVEN GAY PEOPLE GO,"THE PRIUS IS THE GAYEST ONE.

IT IS THE GAYEST ONE."

I MEAN, IT'S GOTA LISP IN THE NAME.

LET'S BE HONEST, THAT'S WEIRD.

PRIUS!

GIVE 'EM A LITTLE BEEP-BEEP.

GO, "I APPRECIATE YOU, GAY MAN!

'PRECIATE YOU!

YOU TOOK TWO HOT DUDESOFF THE MARKET, BRO.

LET ME GET LAID LAST NIGHT.

YOU'RE A GOOD MAN."

"WE DO WHAT WE CAN.

WE DO WHAT WE CAN."

[imitates car driving off]I TRY TO TELL MY,

UH, REDNECK BUDDIESFROM ARKANSAS THIS STUFF.

AND THEY AIN'T HEARING IT, MAN.

THEY'RE LIKE,"UH, RALPHIE,

YOU CAN'T HANG OUTWITH GAY PEOPLE, MAN.

THAT'S HOW YOU GET THE GAY."

[cackles]AND I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW THAT'S

HOW IT DOESN'T HAPPEN, RIGHT?"LIKE, YOU JUST DON'T

HANG OUT WITH GAY DUDES,AND TWO HOURS LATER,

JUST START SNEEZING ORAL,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[imitates starting to sneeze][gagging sound]

"DAMN IT,I DONE CAUGHT THE GAY.

COULD SOMEONE RUN ME DOWNTO WALGREENS

SO I CAN GET ME SOME GAYQUILOR FAGTUSSIN OR"--

IF I CARRIED THAT HATREDTHAT WAS INGRAINED IN ME

AND THAT HOMOPHOBIATHAT WAS INGRAINED IN ME

IN LITTLE TOWN, ARKANSAS,THEN I WOULD'VE MISSED OUT

ON ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLEIN MY LIFE, MY BUDDY GAY TONY.

GAY TONY'S AWESOME.

THAT AIN'T HIS REAL NAME.

THAT'S JUST HOW IT APPEARSIN MY CELL PHONE.

TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS,IF YOU HATE GAY PEOPLE

AND YOU'RE STRAIGHT,THEN DON'T BE

A HYPOCRITE ABOUT IT.

DON'T ADD TO THE PROBLEM, OKAY?

IF YOU HATE, UH, GAY PEOPLE,AS A STRAIGHT PERSON,

YOU PROBABLY SHOULD STOPHAVING SEX.

BECAUSE IT'S STRAIGHT PEOPLETHAT MAKE GAY PEOPLE.

GAY PEOPLECAN'T MAKE GAY PEOPLE.

LOOK IT UP.

GOOGLE "BACK DOOR BABY."

RIGHT NOW,GOOGLE "BACK DOOR BABY."

ZERO RESULTS,ZERO RESULTS.

LESBIANS, YOU CAN BUMP DONUTSALL DAY LONG

AND HALF THE NIGHT, GIRLS.

YOU MIGHT GET VAPOR LOCK,BUT YOU AIN'T GOING

TO MAKE NO BABY,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

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