Bill Burr - Before Marriage

Burr, Crasnick, McCullough, Jen's Revenge Season 2, Ep 0203 06/20/1998 Views: 15,344

You have to get the evil out of you before you're ready for marriage. (2:19)

YOU GOT A HOOKER,HEY, WHO HASN'T ?

SERIOUSLY.

EVERY GUY BASICALLY HASTHREE STORIES, OKAY ?

HE'S GOT A HOOKER STORY,

HE'S GOT A GOINGTO JAIL STORY,

AND HE'S GOT A GETTINGHIS ASS KICKED STORY.

AM I RIGHT ?SERIOUSLY.

AND ONCE YOU HAVETHOSE THREE STORIES,

THEN YOU CAN GET MARRIED.

'CAUSE YOU GOT THE EVIL OUT OF YOU.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA WORRY,WHAT WAS THAT LIKE ?

I DID THAT, I GOT MY ASS KICKED,IT WAS STUPID.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO, MAN.

WE SIT AROUND AND WE TELL STORIES.

A GOOD STORY IS ALWAYSYOU DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

THAT'S WHY NICE PEOPLEARE SO DAMN BORING.

I MEAN THEY'RE NICE,BUT THEIR STORIES SUCK.

A NICE PERSONTELLS YOU A STORY,

HALF WAY THROUGH ITI JUST WANT TO START SCREAMING.

"I WENT TO THE BEACH TODAYAND SAW A SUNRISE",

I'M LIKE...AAHH !!

WHERE ARE THE HOOKERS ?

WHERE'S THE DRUGS ?

THOSE ARE TWO KEY ELEMENTSFOR A STORY.

DID THE COPS SHOW UP ?THEN YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEBODY'S TELLINGYOU A GOOD STORY THOUGH ?

I LOVE STORIES.

WHEN SOMEONE'STELLING YOU A GOOD STORY

YOU ALWAYS CAN TELL 'CAUSE THEIR VOICE DROPS

LIKE THREE OCTAVES,LIKE A MINUTE INTO THE STORY.

STARTS OFFAT A NORMAL TONE.

"MAN, I WENT TO THE BAR LASTNIGHT, THE PLACE WAS PACKED !

( softer voice )"ALL OF A SUDDENTHIS CHICK CAME IN,

HER TITTIESDOWN TO HERE."

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ?!

THAT'S THE GOOD PART,THAT'S THE EVIL.

I WANT TO HEAR THAT !

GOOD STORIES AREALWAYS TOLD QUIETLY,

BUT BAD STORIES ARE ALWAYS TOLDWAY TOO DAMN LOUD.

YOU'LL BE ON THE BUS,

YOU'LL BE SITTING INTHE FRONT ROW OF THE BUS

AND THEN SOME JACKASS 20 ROWS BACK

TELLING THE WORST STORY EVER,

AND YOU CAN HEAREVERY WORD OF IT.

"OH, MY GOD, WE WEREWATCHING TV LAST NIGHT.

"IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE,ALL OF SUDDEN IT SHUT OFF.

"WE WERE LIKE, "WOW, THAT NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE."

THEN WE REALIZED THE CAT KNOCKEDTHE PLUG OUT OF THE OUTLET."

SHUT UP !

DON'T YOU WISH GOOD STORIESWERE TOLD LOUDLY ?

MAKE YOUR DAY SO MUCH DAMN MORE ENJOYABLE.

YOU'RE RIDING ON THE BUSGOING TO WORK

AND SOME GUY TELLS SOMECRAZY STORY 20 ROWS BACK.

YOU'RE HEARING IT,IT WOULD BE GREAT.

"DARRYL, HOW WASYOUR NIGHT ?"

"PRETTY CRAZY, MAN.

"I WAS RIDINGIN MY CAR,

"I LOOKED DOWNTO TURN THE STATION.

"I HIT SOME DUDEON A BIKE !

"YEAH, HE GOT UP,SO I JUST TOOK OFF, MAN.

"I THINK HE GOT MY PLATE.

"LOOK, DON'T TELL ANYBODYOR I'LL KILL YOU."