Eddie Brill - The Rules of English

  • Season 7 , Ep 18
  • 06/12/2003
  • Views: 2,467

Make "y" a vowel or make "g" a vowel -- just make a commitment to one rule. (5:14)

Eddie Brill: ONE THING ABOUT

ENGLISH SPEAKING PEOPLE,

WE'RE THE MOST ARROGANT PEOPLE

IN THE WORLD AND THE REASON WHY,

IS BECAUSE WE THINK WE RUN

THE WORLD.

AND WE DO.

BUT WE'RE SO ARROGANT

THAT WE CHANGE THE NAMES

OF OTHER PEOPLE'S COUNTRIES

FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

THERE'S A COUNTRY IN EUROPE,

VERY BEAUTIFUL, COUNTRY WITH A

BEAUTIFUL NAME, CALLED ESPAÑA.

I'VE BEEN THERE.

IT'S GORGEOUS.

IT'S CALLED ESPAÑA.

BUT WE DON'T CALL THEM THAT.

WE GAVE THEM A NAME.

WHAT DO WE CALL THEM?

Audience: SPAIN.

Eddie Brill: SPAIN.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?

THAT'S NOT THEIR NAME.

WHO WENT OVER AND SAID,

"HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

ESPAÑA?

THAT'S A HORRIBLE NAME.

THAT DOESN'T RHYME WITH

ANYTHING.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA HAVE A SONG

FOR YOUR COUNTRY?

ALL YOU GOT IS I'M TONYA

FROM ESPAÑA.

THEN YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK, PAL.

FROM NOW ON YOU'RE SPAIN.

PLAIN, MAIN, RAIN.

I GOT A WHOLE MUSICAL

I'M WORKING OUT FOR YOU.

WE DON'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE

SQUIGGLY THINGS ON OUR

TYPEWRITER.

YOU'RE SPAIN, FROM NOW ON.

YOU DON'T CHANGE THEIR NAME.

MY NAME'S EDDIE.

YOU CALL ME TIMMY,

I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.

WE CHANGED THEIR NAME.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE HARDEST

LANGUAGE TO LEARN IN THE WHOLE

WORLD IS?

ENGLISH.

AMERICAN ENGLISH.

Audience Member: EBONICS.

Eddie Brill: THERE YOU GO.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WASN'T HARD FOR ME.

I'VE BEEN USING EBONICS

THE WHOLE TIME.

BUT IT'S TRUE.

ENGLISH IS THE HARDEST LANGUAGE

IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.

WE HAVE TO TAKE ENGLISH

IN SCHOOL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE MAJOR IN ENGLISH

IN COLLEGE.

IT'S LIKE, AREN'T YOU FROM HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, BUT I REALLY WANT TO LEARN

IT GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I MEAN, WELL.

OR, IS IT GOOD?

IT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD.

YOU KNOW I JUST--

YOU CANNOT LEARN ENGLISH.

YOU CAN ONLY MEMORIZE IT BECAUSE

THE RULES ARE RIDICULOUS.

'I' BEFORE 'E', EXCEPT AFTER

'C', WITH THE EXCEPTION OF WORDS

THAT RHYME WITH NEIGHBOR AND

WEIGH.

EXCUSE ME, TEACHER, WHAT ABOUT

LEISURE AND SEIZURE.

ALL RIGHT, SCREW THAT RULE.

SORRY, KIDS.

HOW CAN YOU LEARN A LANGUAGE

WHEN THERE'S HALF A RULE?

HOW ABOUT THE VOWELS, A, E, I,

O, U, AND SOMETIMES 'Y.'

CAN YOU BE A LITTLE BIT

MORE VAGUE WITH THIS RULE,

PLEASE?

WHEN 'Y'?

SOMETIMES.

OKAY, WE'RE READY FOR THE EXAM.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH 'Y'?

WHAT IS IT THE REBEL VOWEL?

MAKE 'Y' A VOWEL.

MAKE 'G' A VOWEL.

JUST MAKE A COMMITMENT

TO ONE RULE.

WHAT'S THE 'Y' ON ALPHABET

PAROLE?

[LAUGHTER]

WHO DID THE 'Y' PISS OFF

IN THE 12th CENTURY?

AS LONG AS I AM KING,

AND 'Y' WILL NEVER COMPLETELY

BE A VOWEL.

AHH-HAAA!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S THE HARDEST LANGUAGE

TO LEARN IN THE WORLD.

WE HAVE EXTRA LETTERS IN OUR

WORDS FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

AND EXTRA LETTERS FOR NO REASON.

MAYBE WHEN THE BRITISH INVENTED

A LANGUAGE, THEY PUT ALL

THE WORDS THEY INVENTED

ON A REALLY BIG BLACKBOARD.

AND THEY HAD A BOX OF LETTERS

LEFT OVER, AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE

THE RECEIPT, SO THEY COULDN'T

RETURN THEM TO THE STORE.

IT WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

GET RID OF THE LETTERS.

THROW THEM IN THE WORDS."

HMMM, EXTRA 'P'.

PUT THAT IN FRONT OF PNEUMONIA.

THEY'LL NEVER SEE THAT ONE.

HERE'S ANOTHER 'P', PUT THAT IN

FRONT OF PSYCHIATRIST THAT'LL

SCREW THEM UP.

HERE'S A 'K', PUT THAT IN FRONT

OF KNIFE.

PHG, SCREW UP PHLEGM.

ALL RIGHT, BEAUTIFUL.

BUT WHAT DO WE TELL THEM, SIR?

AH, SCREW THEM.

TELL THEM THEY'RE SILENT

LETTERS.

[LAUGHTER]

SILENT LETTERS.

WE'RE STUDYING STUFF THAT'S

NOT THERE.

EXCELLENT.

I HAVE A FRIEND ALL THE LETTERS

IN THE NAME ARE SILENT.

WE CALL HIM--

[LAUGHTER]

HE KNOWS.

[APPLAUSE]

IT'S THE HARDEST LANGUAGE

TO LEARN IN THE WORLD.

AND THE REASON WHY IS THERE'S

TOO MANY CLICHES THAT IF TAKEN

LITERALLY, WOULD BE DEVASTATING

FOR FOREIGNERS.

LIKE, WHEN WE'RE UPSET,

WE ALWAYS GO, "FOR CRYING OUT

LOUD."

WHAT?

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, CAN'T YOU

SEE WE'RE TRYING TO DO A SHOW?

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

IT'S LIKE AN AWARD YOU GIVE TO

A CHILD IN NURSERY SCHOOL.

AND HERE'S THE AWARD, LITTLE

BUDDY RYAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM.

THANK YOU, WAAAHHH!

[APPLAUSE]

AND HE WINS THE AWARD FOR CRYING

OVER SPILLED MILK.

SPLASH.

WAAAHH!

HE'LL CRY AT THE DROP OF A HAT.

SWING-POO.

WAAAHH!

HE'LL CRY HIS EYES OUT.

FLING-PLING.

AAAHH!

HE'S GOOD CRYIN', BUDDY RYAN.

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY.

NEEDLESS TO SAY,

WE HAD A TERRIFIC TIME TONIGHT.

NEEDLESS TO SAY?

THEN, DON'T SAY IT.

WELL, IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING.

THEN, SHUT UP.

[LAUGHTER]

HE DOESN'T KNOW HIS ASS

FROM HIS ELBOW.

WELL, THEN GET HIM A

LONG SLEEVE SHIRT.

HAPPY AS A CLAM.

ONE GUY WENT DOWN TO THE BEACH.

IT'S LIKE--

[LAUGHTER]

AND HAPPY AS A CLAM

IS A WEIRD PHENOMENON.

HAPPY AS A CLAM IS KNOWN AS

A SIMILE.

AND WHENEVER WE USE SIMILES

FOR SOME REASON, WE ALWAYS USE

ANIMALS.

AND I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.

THEY SAY A MAN'S AN ANIMAL

TRYING TO PICK UP A GIRL

AT A BAR.

HE HAD TO SHOW HE WAS

STRONG AS AN OX, SLY AS A FOX,

MEMORY LIKE AN ELEPHANT.

A GIRL HE LIKES BECOMES

SLIPPERY AS AN EEL,

REGULAR SNAKE IN THE GRASS.

A GIRL LIKES THAT

SHE'S GOIN' HOME WITH HIM.

THEY'RE SNUG AS TWO BUGS

IN A RUG.

SO, THEY GO HOME,

THEY HUMP LIKE RABBITS.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE'S QUICK

AS A BUNNY.

SHE'S DEPRESSED.

SHE GOES RIGHT TO THE

REFRIGERATOR.

SHE'S HUNGRY AS A BEAR.

EATS LIKE A PIG.

HE GOES TO THE LIQUOR CABINET.

GETS DRUNK AS A SKUNK.

HE DRINKS LIKE A FISH.

HE'S BLIND AS A BAT.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE'S OUT IN

THE STREET, NAKED AS A JAY-BIRD.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S PISSING LIKE A RACEHORSE,

GOES, "SCREW HER, I'M HUNG LIKE

A HORSE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYBODY.

HAVE A VERY GOOD NIGHT.

I'M EDDIE BRILL.

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