Greg Fitzsimmons - Midlife Crisis

Greg Fitzsimmons: Life on Stage Season 1, Ep 0101 08/18/2013 Views: 9,371

Greg Fitzsimmons goes to his barber and gets the usual (a short cut punctuated by tears). (2:52)

I HAD A MIDLIFE CRISIS.

YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED THAT.

AND I'M OUT OF IT.

NOW IT'S JUST--I BOUGHT A PRIUS.

[laughter]IT'S PRETTY WILD.

[laughter]YEAH, IF YOU BUY A PRIUS, YOU

MIGHT AS WELL STAPLE YOUR BALLSAND A WHITE FLAG ON THE ANTENNA,

'CAUSE IT'S OVER.

THAT'S IT.

JUST--AND I STILL DRIVE LIKE ANASSHOLE.

YOU'VE GOT TO SEE ME.

CUTTING PEOPLE OFF ON THE RIGHT,SPEEDING.

GOT A TICKET FOR RUNNING A REDLIGHT, NOT HANDED TO ME.

IT WAS MAILED TO MY HOUSE.

THAT SHOULDN'T COUNT.

YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THE JOY ON MYFACE IN THE PHOTO, LIKE I WON

THE RACE.

[laughter]ALL THESE LOSERS STOPPED BACK AT

THE RED LIGHT, NO BALLS.

NOT ME.

[laughter]IT DOESN'T FEEL FAIR.

SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE TO HAND MEA TICKET TO PAY IT.

SO I TOOK A PICTURE OF MEWRITING A CHECK, AND I MAILED

THEM THAT.

[cheers and applause]

I JUST GOT A HAIRCUT LAST WEEK.

[laughter]YEAH, THAT'S HILARIOUS.

THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

THAT'S THE SETUP TO THE JOKE.

THAT'S NOT THE ACTUAL PUNCHLINE.

I STILL GET HAIRCUTS.

AND THE BARBER GOES LIKE THIS TOME, "SO WHAT ARE WE DOING

TODAY?""I DON'T KNOW, ASSHOLE.

WHAT ARE THE OPTIONS?"[laughter]

YOU GOT A MAGAZINE OF DIFFERENTLOOKS THAT GO WITH THIS?

[laughter]JUST BUZZ AROUND THE EARS.

I'LL SIT HERE AND CRY.

THE USUAL.

[laughter]I HAD HAIR.

IT WAS NICE.

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

I MET A GORGEOUS WOMAN, GOT HERTO MARRY ME, HAIR FELL OUT.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

[cheers and applause]

IT'S LIKE A BOOSTER ROCKET.

AND ONCE YOU GET THROUGH THEATMOSPHERE, IT JUST TRAILS OFF,

DON'T NEED IT.

[laughter]I GOT GLASSES.

I JUST GOT MY FIRST GLASSES,AND--180 BUCKS.

I WALK IN THE FRONT DOOR,AND THE FIRST THING I NOTICE IS,

MY WIFE HAS SPROUTED HER FIRSTCHIN WHISKER.

[laughter]

SO THAT'S MONEY WELL-SPENT.

I...

[laughter]I NEVER WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT.

[laughter and applause]

LET'S BE HONEST.

IF YOU'RE GONNA SPEND THE RESTOF YOUR LIFE WITH THE SAME

PERSON, DO YOU REALLY WANT YOURSENSES TO STAY RAZOR SHARP?

NO.

THERE'S A REASON WHY YOUR VISIONAND YOUR HEARING GOES AWAY.

YOU WANT IT TO GO AWAY.

IT'S LIKE THAT OLD COUPLE YOUSEE WALKING ARM IN ARM DOWN THE

STREET.

THEY'RE GOING, LIKE, ONE MILE ANHOUR, AND THEY'RE A MILLION.

YOU CAN ONLY TELL THEY'RE MOVINGIF YOU WATCH THEM FOR, LIKE, A

MINUTE STRAIGHT.

AND YOU THINK, "THAT IS SOCUTE."

NO, HER HIP WENT.

HE'S GOT A BAD KNEE.

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THEY CANWALK UPRIGHT ANYMORE.

JUST DEAF, BLIND, TRYING TO GETACROSS THE FINISH LINE.

[laughter]