DL Hughley - The Pope

DL Hughley: Shocked and Appalled Season 1, Ep 101 05/15/2005 Views: 3,728

If the pope really thought that he was going to Heaven after he died, he wouldn't hide behind bulletproof glass. (2:19)

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HOLIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

THE POPE BELIEVES WHEN HE DIES

HE'S GONNA SIT AT THE FOOT OF

GOD.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

THE POPE BELIEVES THAT THE

WORST COULD HAPPEN TO HIM IF

HE PASSES ON IS THAT HE

IMMEDIATELY GOES TO HEAVEN.

THAT WHAT HE SAYS.

BUT EVERY TIME I SEE THE POPE

IN PUBLIC HE GOT THAT

BULLETPROOF GLASS WRAPPED AROUND

HIM.

WHICH LET ME KNOW HE DON'T

BELIEVE ALL THAT [BLEEP] HE

TALKING.

THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S JUST ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PRAISE THE LORD AND THEN RAISE

THE GLASS UP.

AND IT'S ABOUT TIME WE GOT A

NEW POPE BECAUSE THIS ONE DON'T

GO OUT.

YOU EVER SEE...?

HE BE TAKING A NAP DURING THE

BLESSINGS.

AH-HUH...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BLESS YOU.

BLESS YOU.

GOSH, LET 'EM TAKE A NAP.

TAKE THAT HEAVY ASS HAT OFF

HIS HEAD OR SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW SOME PEOPLE HAVE TURNED IT

INTO SOME KIND OF RELIGIOUS WAR

'CAUSE YOU'LL SEE SENATORS ON

TV SAYING STUFF, "WE HAD TO

ATTACK IRAQ 'CAUSE WE HAVE THE

MORAL AUTHORITY IN THE WORLD."

NOW RIGHT AFTER THAT A

COMMERCIAL WILL COME ON FOR

"GIRLS GONE WILD."

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE MY COUNTRY.

I LOVE IT MADLY.

I WOULD FIGHT FOR IT, I WOULD

KILL FOR IT, I'D DIE FOR BUT

TO BELIEVE THAT GOD ONLY LOVES

THIS COUNTRY IS LUNACY.

GOD DOESN'T JUDGE YOU BY WHAT

COUNTRY YOU WERE BORN IN.

WHAT FLAG YOU HAVE.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T GET TO SHOW YOUR

PASSPORT AND GET A BETTER PLACE

IN HEAVEN.

THAT'S THE DEAL.

GOD LOVES YOU BASED ON YOUR

INDIVIDUAL ACTIONS AND THE

PROBLEM IS THAT GOVERNMENT TRIES

TO BELIEVE THEY ARE GOD

THAT'S THE DEAL.

"WE PUT 'EM ON OUR MONEY

FOR [BLEEP] SAKE THAT MUST MEAN

WE'RE CLOSER TO HIM."

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

[LAUGHTER]

THE GOVERNMENT MUST THINK THAT

THEY GOD 'CAUSE THEY WANT

33 AND A THIRD OF YOUR MONEY

AND GOD ONLY WANTS 10%!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

NOW I'M NOT NO THEOLOGICAL

SCHOLAR BUT I'M SURE THAT PISSES

GOD OFF A LITTLE BIT.

HE'S UP THERE "WHO THE HELL IS

FICA?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]