Uncensored - Chris D'Elia - Don't F**k Around

Chris D'Elia: White Male. Black Comic. Season 1, Ep 101 11/20/2013 Views: 14,156

Chris D'Elia explains that men and women have different goals when it comes to sex. (2:13)

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YEAH, YOU GO TO JAILFOR A LONG TIME, MAN.

THAT'S RAPE.DON'T DO THAT EVER, MAN.

YO, I LOVE DOING THIS, MAN --

STAND-UP,NOT TALKING ABOUT RAPE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

LIKE, DON'T JUDGE SOMEONE ELSEFOR WHO THEY ARE ATTRACTED.

THEY CAN'T EVEN HELP IT,YOU KNOW?

IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO FINDSOMEBODY, LIKE --

I MEAN, IT'S HARD TO GET LAID.

I MEAN, NOT FOR ME.BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, YOU GOT TO...[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT IS, THOUGH, MAN.

IT'S HARD, MAN, 'CAUSE GIRLSARE JUST ALWAYS LIKE --

GUYS ARE ALWAYS JUST LIKE,"HEY, UH, COME ON, YOU KNOW?"

AND GIRLS ARE JUST LIKE,"NO-O-O."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND GUYS ARE LIKE,"WELL, COME ON, NOW.

"MAYBE -- MAYBE, THOUGH?

[ LAUGHS ]

AND GIRLS ARE LIKE,"MNH-MNH-MNH!"

"OH, MAN, WHAT ABOUT NOW?"

"NO, I DON'T DO THAT.I DON'T JUST DO THAT.

"I DON'T JUST, LIKE,SLEEP AROUND.

"I DON'T JUST DO THAT.

I DON'T FUCK AROUND,"

AND WE'RE LIKE, "COOL,I DON'T WANT TO FUCK AROUND.

I WANT TO FUCK YOURIGHT HERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

"I CAN'T JUST DO IT.

"I CAN'T LET MY EMOTIONS --

"I CAN'T SEPARATE THE TWO,YOU KNOW?

"IT'S LIKE -- IT'S LIKEALL IN ONE ENCOMPASSING THING.

"LIKE, YOU CAN'T --LIKE, I DON'T JUST HAVE SEX.

"LIKE, I WANT TO JUST, LIKE --I CAN'T.

"TRUST ME, I WISH I COULD DO IT.I WISH.

"I WISH I COULD DO IT,BUT I CAN'T DO IT.

LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,MY FRIEND --"

"WHAT'S HER NUMBER?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

"I DON'T JUST GIVE MY BODYTO WHOEVER WANTS MY BODY."

[ LAUGHS ]

"I WAIT.

I WAIT TO PICK SOMEONE,AND THEN I MAKE LOVE."

[ LAUGHTER ]"I LIKE TO MAKE LOVE.

"I DON'T JUST SLEEP AROUND.I MAKE LOVE.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL IT --MAKING LOVE."

ALL RIGHT, COOL, WHATEVER.CALL IT WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I DON'T CARE, CALL IT NINTENDO.IT DOESN'T MATTER.

AS LONG AS I'M INSIDE YOU,IT FEELS LIKE FUCKING.

THAT'S ALL, YOU KNOW?

Woman: WHOO!

D'Elia: SLUTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]