Donald Glover - Crazy Stories

  • Season 14, Ep 9
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 209,210

Poor lady that Donald made up can't even get up pretend steps because she's in a pretend wheelchair. (3:45)

LIKE, IT REALLY BROKE MY HEART.

LIKE, IT'S HARD,BUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE THERE'S SO MANY THINGS

THAT YOU LEARNIN A RELATIONSHIP,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE REALLYIN LOVE AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

I REMEMBER -- GUYS, TELL MEIF THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

LIKE, YOU BE IN THE BED, RIGHT?

AND YOU'RE WITH YOUR GIRLAND YOU'RE SLEEPING.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,IT BE LIKE, "BOOM." "OW!"

AND SHE BE LIKE,"I JUST HAD A DREAM

WHERE YOU WERE SLEEPINGWITH ANOTHER WOMAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YOU BE LIKE...

..."SO?"

SHE BE LIKE, "EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, ANYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD,ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING,

YOU BE LIKE, "OH, THAT PERSONHAS MILD SCHIZOPHRENIA," RIGHT?

BUT BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR GIRLAND YOU LOVE HER, YOU BE LIKE,

"OH, WELL, YOU KNOW ME."[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY.

AND NO DUDE IN THE WORLDCAN GET AWAY WITH THAT JUNK.

DUDES, IF YOUR FRIENDCAME UP TO YOU,

YOU'D LOOK AT HIMLIKE HE WAS CRAZY.

BOOM -- "HEY, MAN, I HAD A DREAMWHERE YOU WERE MEAN TO ME!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOTAND YOU AIN'T SAY NOTHING!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"ALSO, YOU WERE HOLDING A BABY.

"AND THE BABYHAD A VERY OLD FACE.

"AND MY TEETH FELL OUT,AND MY FEET WERE HEAVY,

"AND MY FATHER WAS THERE.

"I DID NOT SEE HIM,BUT I KNEW HE WAS THERE!

WATCH YOUR ASS."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALSO, LIKE, WOMEN -- WHENI STARTED LISTENING TO THEM,

LIKE, REALLY LISTENINGONCE THE BREAKUP HAPPENED,

LISTENING TO OTHER WOMEN,

I REALIZED, LIKE, EVERY MAN --EVERY MAN IN THIS ROOM

HAS A CRAZY-WOMAN STORY,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, EVERY MAN IN HERE IS JUSTLIKE, "OH, REMEMBER CHRISTINE?

"CHRISTINE WAS CRAZY.

"CHRISTINE WASSO CRAZY, REMEMBER?

"I HAD MY NEW GIRL,AND CHRISTINE COMES IN LIKE,

"'WHERE THAT BITCH AT?!'

"I WAS LIKE,'CHRISTINE, WHAT'S GOING ON?

"I GOT MY NEW GIRL.GET OUT OF HERE, CHRISTINE.'

"CHRISTINE WAS CRAZY, RIGHT?CHRISTINE WAS CRAZY.

OH, MEMORIES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW, AND EVERY DUDE IN HEREHAS THAT STORY.

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHY DON'T WOMENHAVE CRAZY-MEN STORIES?"

LIKE, WHY DON'T WOMENHAVE CRAZY-MEN STORIES?

I DON'T REALLY HEAR THEM.

AND THEN I REALIZED.I WAS LIKE, "OH!

"IT'S BECAUSE IF YOU GOTA CRAZY BOYFRIEND,

YOU GONNA DIE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

JUST SOMETHING ABOUT MEN --

THE SECOND THEY REALIZETHEY CRAZY,

IT'S LIKE, "TIME TO KILLEVERYTHING I LOVE!

TIME TO KILL IT ALL.IT'S ALL COMING WITH ME."

AND YOU CAN HEAR A CRAZY,LIKE, MAN STORY,

BUT THEY'RE NOT FUN LIKECRAZY-WOMEN STORIES AT ALL.

LIKE, "OH, REMEMBER CHARLIE?CHARLIE WAS SO CRAZY.

HE USED TO COME OVERAND SHOOT MY DOG."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"AND IT WAS DEAD THE FIRST TIME,BUT HE KEPT SHOOTING IT.

"AND THEN I MOVEDTO FLORIDA. AND...

"HE FOUND ME.

NOW I'M IN THIS WHEELCHAIR."

[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

"OH, POOR MADE-UP LADY."

I HEARD SOME OF THEM.

I'M GONNA SAYSOME OUTLANDISH STUFF.

I HEARD SOME OF THOSE"OOHs" AND "AAHs."

THEY WERE LIKE,"OH, POOR MADE-UP LADY.

"POOR LADY THAT DONALD MADE UPCAN'T GET UP PRETEND STEPS,

'CAUSE SHE'SIN A PRETEND WHEELCHAIR."

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