Janeane Garofalo - Cautionary Tale

  • Season 1 , Ep 3
  • 01/22/2010
  • Views: 15,855

Swine flu is a resourceful virus that will find any portal of opportunity to strike. (4:00)

ABOUT THE SPANX IF YOU DO DECIDETO GO DOWN THAT ROAD,

AND I WOULD ADVISE YOUTO DO SO

BECAUSE IT'S JUST USINGYOUR NOODLE.

I'M ON THE PLANE TO AUSTRALIA,RIGHT?

THAT'S 22 HOURS.

AND PUT IT THIS WAY,AROUND HOUR 21,

I HAD MY SPANX ON,SOME MOVEMENT PANTS, A HOODY,

AND I JUST WASN'T FEELINGAT THE TOP OF MY FRESHNESS GAME.

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THE LADYI KNEW I COULD BE

WHEN I LANDED IN AUSTRALIA.

AND OUT OF RESPECTFOR AUSTRALIA,

THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH,I WANTED TO BE A LADY.

SO HERE'S WHAT I DID.

HERE'S WHERE'S THE CAUTIONARY,

SLIGHTLY INDELICATE PARTCOMES IN.

I WENT TOTHE AIRPLANE BATHROOM.

I TOOK SOME HAND SANITIZER.I HIT THE KEY AREAS.

WAIT, NOT--IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

I HIT--I HIT THE KEY AREAS.

I DID NOT TAKE HAND SANITIZERAND TOUCH...ME,

I TOUCHED MY SPANXWITH THE HAND SANITIZER

IN WHAT WOULD BETHE GUSSET AREA.(laughter)

AND I WANT TO TELL YOU WHY."A", IT JUST MAKES SENSE.

I'M A PRAGMATISTIF NOTHING ELSE.

"B", THE SWINE FLU.

IT'S A RESOURCEFUL,RESOURCEFUL VIRUS.

ANY PORTAL OF OPPORTUNITY.WE DON'T KNOW.

SO--(laughter)

WE DON'T KNOW.SO, AGAIN, I'M A LADY.

I'M A LADY.SO I LAND IN AUSTRALIA.

NOW HERE'S THE THING ABOUTPUTTING HAND SANITIZER

IN YOUR SPANX.

IT BURNS.(laughter)

OH, MY GOD.IT BURNS, UH, TERRIBLY.

AND THAT'S AN EVERGREEN BURN.

YOU WON'T SOON FORGETYOU'VE DONE THAT.(laughter)

AND I BELIEVE THAT I WASVICTIMIZED BY A CHEMICAL,

UH, THINGCALLED DEFLAGRATION.

NOW DEFLAGRATION ISA CHEMICAL PROCESS WHEREIN

HEAT IS IGNITED IN A--KIND OF A CLOSED AREA

AND IT PRODUCES A VERY RAPIDAND INTENSE BURN.

YES, IT DOES.AND IT--DEFLAGRATION.

BECAUSE LET'S BE FRANK,

IT'S A BIT OF A PETRI DISHIN THE AREA.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVEA TELSA COIL

AND A BUNSEN BURNERDOWN THERE.(laughter)

IT'S VERY COMPLEX.IT'S LIKE AN ANT FARM.

AND--IN A WAY.

AND SO IT'S AN EVERGREEN BURN,AS I MENTIONED.

YOU'LL--YOU'LL NOT--IT'LL BURNAS YOU PUT YOUR TRAY TABLES UP

AND THE PLANE LANDS.

IT'LL BURN AS YOU WAITFOR YOUR LUGGAGE.

IT'LL BURN AS YOU NEGOTIATEAUSTRALIA MORNING TRAFFIC.

AND I KNEW I COULDN'T GORIGHT TO THE HOTEL.

I HAD TO DO A COUPLE OF RADIOSHOWS BEFORE I GO TO THE HOTEL.

(audience groans)SO--YEAH, EXACTLY.

SO I'M GOING THROUGH IT,AND IT IS ALL-CONSUMING.

IT'S AN ALL-CONSUMING BURN.

SO THEN I GET TOTHE HOTEL FINALLY.

TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF I HAVECRAZY LEGS SYNDROME.

WHAT IS THAT, RESTLESS LEG?I GOT THE CRAZY LEGS.(laughter)

AND SO I'M IN THE LOBBY.I GET THE KEY.

I RUN UP TO MY HOTEL ROOM,OPEN THE DOOR--ASIAN FAMILY.

WHAT THE?(laughter)

I GO RUNNING BACK--HONESTLY,I GO RUNNING BACK DOWNSTAIRS,

AND I SAY TO THE CONCIERGE,"THERE'S A FAMILY IN MY ROOM.

I'M SO SORRY."

NOW THEY DON'T JUST GIVE YOUA NEW CARD KEY.

THEY HAVE TO GETTO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

THEY HAVETO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

THE CHAIN OF COMMANDAND HOUSEKEEPING,

THEY HAVE TO UNDERSTANDHOW IT COULD BE THAT THERE IS

A ROOM THAT WAS SUPPOSEDTO BE READY THAT'S NOT READY.

YOU KNOW, JUNE, JULY, AUGUST.ANYWAY, SO I'M--I'M DYING.

AND THEN ANOTHER CONCIERGECOMES OUT AND SAYS,

"MS. GAROFALO, WE'RE SO SORRYFOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

HERE'S A COUPON FORA FREE MASSAGE AT THE SPA."

NOW HERE'S WHY I CAN'T GETA MASSAGE.

COUPLE OF REASONS,THE FACE HOLE IN THE TABLE--

IT'S NOT COMFORTABLE, AND ATMY AGE I CAN'T HAVE THE PULLING.

I CAN'T HAVE IT.(laughter)

ALSO--I CAN'T HAVE IT.

I ALSO FEEL LIKEWHEN I'M GETTING A MASSAGE

THAT'S WHEN THEY'RE GONNAFIND THE LUMP.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE SOMEBODYWILL BE MANIPULATING AND GO,

"HEY, DID YOU KNOW?""NO."

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T KNOW,

IF YOU DON'T DO ANYSELF EXAMINATIONS,

OR SEE A DOCTOR EVER,YOU'LL LIVE FOREVER.(laughter)

THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.(applause)

THE DIAGNOSIS,IT'S WHAT GETS YOU.

SO YOU JUST HAVE A DON'T-ASK,DON'T-TELL POLICY

WITH ANY AND ALLBODILY FUNCTIONS.

THAT'S HOW WE DO IT.

AND ALSO,HERE'S SOMETHING INTERESTING.

DID YOU EVER NOTICED NOBODYHAS EVER ORDERED

A GRAPEFRUIT THE SIZEOF A TUMOR, EVER.(laughter)

EVER.(laughter)

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