Jeff Ross - Aunt Tique

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 7,391

Jeffrey Ross takes care of his dead Aunt Tique. (2:31)

Ross: MY AUNT DIED.GOD BLESS HER.

AT A RIPE OLD AGE OF 104.

WE CALLED HER AUNT TIQUE.

HER PHONE NUMBER WAS 3.

SHE USED TO POINT TO STATUESOF OLD BOYFRIENDS.

I [BEEPED] HIM.

AND IT'S MY JOBTO CLEAN OUT HER APARTMENT.

THAT'S THE WORST JOB.

SO I CALL MY COUSINTO HELP ME OUT.

MY COUSIN STU,BIGGEST LOSER IN THE FAMILY.

SO, I'M LIKE...

STU WAKE UP.GET OUT OF BED.

AUNT TIQUE DIED.SHE'S 104.

HE GOES...

HOW'D SHE DIE?

UH...HER CHUTE DIDN'T OPEN.

SERIOUSLY, STU, UH,SHE WAS TRAMPLED AT OZZ FEST.

HER HARLEY FLIPPED OVERON THE JERSEY TURNPIKE.

SHE SCORED SOME BAD CRACK.THEY FOUND HER IN THE BRONX.

SHE DIED GIVING BIRTH, STU.

SHE HAD 82-YEAR-OLD TWINSLAST NIGHT.

YOU KNOW HOW SHE REALLY DIED?SHE TURNED 104.

THE WHOLE FAMILY GOT TOGETHER.WE TOOK A VOTE AND WE SHOT HER.

HOW LONG CAN WE WAIT FOR3 GRAND AND A COIN COLLECTION?

I GOT BILLS.

I CLEANED OUT HER ATTIC.

SHE HAD MOSES' YEARBOOKUP THERE.

SHE HAD, LIKE, AN OLD VIBRATORWITH A HAND CRANK.

EEH, EEH, EEH, EEH, EEH.

AND SHE HAS A SISTERWHO'S STILL ALIVE.

WHO'S 106.

AUNT CESTOR.

WHEN SHE TALKS,DUST COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH.

HER VAGINA HAS MICE.

SHE'S 106.GIVE HER A BREAK.

WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT HER.

SHE COULD DIE FROMAN ICE CREAM HEADACHE.

SHE COULD EAT A PIECE OF TAFFYAND DIE OF EXHAUSTION.

UHH, UHH, UHH, UHH.

"THOSE MOTHER [BLEEP].I AIN'T GOING OUT LIKE THIS.

"THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO GET MYVIBRATOR WITH THE HAND CRANK.

MY COIN COLLECTION."

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