My friend's crazy,I can't believe...
He comes up to meand he asks me,
"Yo, Alfred, do youlike sleeping?"
"Sometimes you wish you couldsleep for a long time?"
Then he goes,"You know what that means?
"That means you want to die.
Think about it,"and he walks away.
I was thinking about it.
Man, that doesn't mean that.
So, I seen himthe next day and I ask him,
"Hey, bro, do you likebasketball?"
"You like football?"
"You know what that means?That means you like black guys."
"Think about it, bro."
And I walked away.
Hey, guys, don'tyou hate when you lie
to your girlfriendto get her back
and that lie works?
And now you gotta live the lie?
I told my girlfriendthat I started going
to church to get her back
and now I gotta go to church.
And I went to churchlast week and it was empty.
And I started talking to thefather and the father asked me,
"Hey, how can we getmore people here at church?"
And I told him, "You know whatwe got to have, Father?
We got to have Wi-Fi."
I want to be able to check in.
I never been molested.
(scattered laughter,light applause)
They say one person out of everyfamily has been molested.
The hard part is findingout who it is.
I called all my cousins.
Hey, bro, have youever been molested before?
Don't lie, you're the last one.
'Cause when you getmolested, you can get away
with doing anything 'causepeople feel sorry for you.
You could cheat on yourgirlfriend all you want.
She can't get mad.
'Cause you couldalways tell her,
"Hey, you know what, babe?
I was molested."
It always works.
I did that joke last nightand this lady got mad.
She comes up to me,she tells me,
"Hey, molestation ain't funny.
I was molested."
So, I told her, "I'm sorry,it's a touchy subject.