Uncensored - Kristen Schaal - Omnichord Jokes

Kristen Schaal: Live at the Fillmore Season 1, Ep 1 04/01/2013 Views: 8,967

Kristen Schaal plays an instrument to enhance her jokes. (3:20)

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Okay, um

So, uh--

Uh, one moretrick up my sleeve.

Something I've noticedcomedians do

is that they'llplay an instrument

and tell jokes,and their jokes are better.



So, I'm--I'm gonnaplay my omnichord.

- Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

[electronic music playing]

[music speeds up]

[slows down]


[audience members cheering]

They're just dads.

Do you think turkeysare peacocks

that have let themselves go?

Do you thinkhorses fantasize

about making loveto Pegasuses

sort of in the same waywe fantasize

about making love to angels?

Do you thinksnakes fantasize

about making loveto garden hoses

in the same waywe fantasize

about making loveto shallow people?


I'm going to opena Thai food restaurant

in Seattlenext to the Space Needle.

But I'm going tocall it the Spice Noodle.

Not reallyinto observational humor,

and if you haven't noticed,well, neither are you.

I love Mexican dessert.

I'm the oppositeof an anorexic.

I'm what you'd calla flanorexic.

[music stops,crickets chirp]

Okay, that's fine.

I got some cricket humor.

I can handle this,I got cricket jokes.

I can entertain.

Hey, hey, I don't come overto your chrysalis

and knock the pollenout of your mouth, so...

[tinny laughter]Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Oh, what's up with JiminyCricket's new lady, right?

I mean, I don't want to be rude,but she's no lady bug.

[tinny laughter]

I don't even knowwhat she sounds like

'cause that would require herputting her legs together.

[crickets chirping]