Patton Oswalt - Spirit Cave

Patton Oswalt: Finest Hour Season 1, Ep 101 04/21/2012 Views: 19,475

Patton Oswalt suspects that Disneyland has a plan to break every eighth child's spirit. (2:58)

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I TOOK MY DAUGHTERTO DISNEYLAND.

>> Audience: (cheering)>> Patton: AND NEXT TO

DISNEYLAND WAS A PLACE--AND YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOTTA SAY SOMETHING.

AT AN--AT AN IRONIC DISTANCE,EVERYONE'S LIKE,

"YEAH, DISNEYLAND."

YOU EVER GONE THERE RECENTLY?

IT'S...

(high-pitched voice) AMAZING.

>> Audience: (cheers)>> Patton: I HAD FORGOTTEN

HOW AMAZING--JUST THE LEVEL OF DETAIL

IS RIDICULOUS.

IT'S--IT REALLY IS LIKE,"WOW. IF YOU GIVE

AN OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVEENOUGH MONEY,

SOMETIMES THEY DOREALLY AMAZING STUFF.

(chuckles) IT'S AMAZING.

BUT NEXT DOOR,THERE'S THIS PLACE

CALLED CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE,WHICH IS ALSO REALLY FUN.

>> Audience: (cheers)>> Patton: AND THEY HAD

THIS THING CALLEDTHE REDWOOD CREEK

CHALLENGE TRAIL.

AND IT'S GOT ROPE BRIDGESAND CLIMBING WALLS AND SLIDES,

AND IT'S SO MUCH FUN.

AND SHE LOVED IT,AND SHE'S RUNNING AROUND.

BUT AT THE FAR ENDOF THE REDWOOD CREEK

CHALLENGE TRAIL,THERE'S THIS THING,

AND IF ANYONE HAS VISITED,YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S CALLED THE SPIRIT CAVE.

AND WHAT YOU DO--IT'S FOR THE KIDS--

THE KIDS GO IN,GO INTO THE SPIRIT CAVE,

IT'S REALLY WELL DONE.

AND ON THE FAR WALL,THERE'S THIS IMPRESSION

OF A HUMAN HANDTHAT YOU CAN PRESS

YOUR HAND TO.

AND THE CAVE LIGHTNINGSAND THUNDERS AND LIGHTS UP

AND THIS ANIMATION STARTS,AND YOU'RE GIVEN

YOUR SPIRIT ANIMAL.

YOU'RE TOLD WHATYOUR SPIRIT ANIMAL IS.

SO YOU CAN TOUCH THE WALLAND BE TOLD YOU'RE A WOLF.

A WOLF. WOW.

OR YOU TOUCH THE WALLAND YOU'RE TOLD

THAT YOU'RE AN EAGLE.

OH.

AND THEY HAVE A LISTOF ALL THE ANIMALS,

AND THEY TELL YOU, LIKE,THE WOLF IS BRAVE

AND, YOU KNOW, FIERCE,AND THE EAGLE IS PROUD

AND--AND GRAND,AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"OH, THIS IS AMAZING."

YOU CAN ALSO TOUCH THE WALLAND BE TOLD THAT YOU'RE A SKUNK!

ONE OF THE ANIMALS IS A SKUNK!

WHY WOULD YOU DO THATTO A LITTLE KID?

(clears throat)AND I SAW, BY THE WAY,

I SAW A GROUP OF KIDSAT A BIRTHDAY PARTY,

AND THEY'RE ALL TOUCHINGTHE WALL,

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"AH, I'M A WOLF!"

(imitates thunder clap)"AH, I'M AN EAGLE!"

AND THIS KID HIT THE WALL,SKUNK CAME UP.

ALL THE KIDS,"YOU'RE A SMELLY SKUNK. HA HA."

AND HE--LIKE, YOU COULDLITERALLY SEE, LIKE,

THE GOTH MAKEUP FORMINGON HIS FACE

AND ALL HIS CLOTHESTURNING BLACK.

LIKE, THERE YOU GO.

LIKE, THERE IT IS.

FUTURE IS SEALED.

AND THE MOM, GOD BLESS HER,TRIED TO SAVE IT.

RAN OVER TO THE CHART.

"IT SAYS THAT THE SKUNKIS CREATIVE AND INDUSTRIOUS."

THAT--TOO LATE.

THERE'S NO SET OF ADJECTIVESTHAT ARE GONNA

STOP KIDS GOING,"YOUR ASS IS SMELLY

'CAUSE YOU'RE A SKUNK."

"NO, IT SAYS THE SHIT BEETLEIS INDUSTRIOUS AND..."

IT SAID "SHIT BEETLE."

WE'RE DONE. I THINK WE'RE DONE.

I ALMOST WONDER, DOES LIKE--DOES THE DISNEYLAND CORPORATION,

ARE THEY SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW,"LOOK, WE'RE GONNA NEED

ARTISTS IN THE FUTURE--GUYS THAT ARE CONTENT WITH

SITTING IN A WINDOWLESS ROOMDRAWING ARIEL

OVER AND OVER AGAIN--SO WE SHOULD HAVE

AN ATTRACTIONTHAT EVERY EIGHTH KID,

IT JUST BREAKS THEIR SPIRITRIGHT THERE...

SO WE CAN BE ASSUREDA WORKFORCE DOWN THE DECADES.