WE'RE DIFFERENT, MEN AND WOMEN.
I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY THAT
A GROWN WOMAN CANNOT WALK DOWN
THE STREETS OF MANHATTAN
ENJOYING A LOLLIPOP.
[LAUGHTER]
DO YOU KNOW THAT ANYWHERE ELSE
IN THIS COUNTRY YOU CAN DO THAT,
YOU CAN JUST WALK DOWN
THE STREET, NOBODY EVEN NOTICES
YOU WHILE YOU'RE EATING YOUR
TOOTSIE POP.
I'M WALKING DOWN SIXTH AVENUE
SOME GUYS LIKE, "SUCK IT!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SUCK IT, LOLLY!"
IT'S EMBARRASSING.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
HERE I AM ENJOYING A NOSTALGIC
LITTLE MOMENT OF MY YOUTH,
FILLED WITH SNOW CONES, PEZ AND
LOLLIPOPS.
AND A MAN TURNS IT INTO PORN.
IT'S TRUE, THOUGH, YOU CAN'T
EAT ANYTHING REMOTELY PHALLIC
WITHOUT A MAN TURNING IT INTO
PORN.
MY FRIEND WAS AT A BARBECUE
LAST YEAR, AND HE CALLED ME UP
FROM THE BARBECUE-- I AM NOT
MAKING THIS UP-- HE'S LIKE
"LYNNE, THIS GIRL WAS EATING HER
ICE CREAM LIKE SHE WANTED ME.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
[LAUGHTER]
I'M EVIL.
'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS
FIGHTING FOR GOOD AND EVIL.
YOU DON'T KNOW, SOMETIMES EVIL
WINS.
I'M LIKE, "DUDE, GO FOR IT.
SHE TOTALLY WANTS YOU."
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN I HAD TO RELATE SO HE
WOULD REALLY BUY IT.
I'M LIKE "I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE.
SOMETIMES I'M AFRAID I MIGHT NOT
HAVE AN ICE CREAM AT MY
DISPOSAL, SO I KEEP AN EMERGENCY
BANANA IN MY HANDBAG.
AND THEN I WHIP THAT OUT,
LIKE ON THE SUBWAY OR THE
LIBRARY, SOMEWHERE APPROPRIATE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND I GO DOWN ON THE 'NANA,
AND I WINK AT THE MAN.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN WE BOTH KNOW THAT
I WANT IT, GOT TO HAVE IT.
[LAUGHTER]
WOMEN LAUGH.
LOOK AT THE MEN ARE ALL
LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "I KNEW IT."
IT'S EMBARRASSING.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE TO
BELIEVE THAT WE EVEN ENJOY
DOING THAT.
IT'S SO GROSS.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO,
BREATHE OUT OF MY NOSE FOR
TWENTY MINUTES, PLEASE!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I THINK THAT GENITALIA IS PROOF
THAT THE UNIVERSE LOVES WOMEN
MORE THAN MEN, AND I'LL TELL YOU
WHY.
'CAUSE IF YOU LOOK AT OUR STUFF,
RIGHT, GIRLS IT'S ALL, I MEAN,
IT'S ALL KIND OF GROSS,
BUT AT LEAST WITH WOMEN IT'S ALL
ORGANIZED.
IT'S LIKE GOD MADE A LITTLE
PACKET THAT'S ALL TUCKED IN WITH
LIKE HOSPITAL CORNERS AND STUFF.
AND WITH MEN IT'S LIKE
GOD STARTED TO MAKE A BOW
AND THE PHONE RANG.
IT'S ALL UNEVEN AND CRAZY.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]