Lynne Koplitz - Lollipop

  • Season 9 , Ep 12
  • 04/28/2005
  • Views: 43,366

A grown woman cannot walk down the street with a lollipop in New York. (2:34)

WE'RE DIFFERENT, MEN AND WOMEN.

I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY THAT

A GROWN WOMAN CANNOT WALK DOWN

THE STREETS OF MANHATTAN

ENJOYING A LOLLIPOP.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU KNOW THAT ANYWHERE ELSE

IN THIS COUNTRY YOU CAN DO THAT,

YOU CAN JUST WALK DOWN

THE STREET, NOBODY EVEN NOTICES

YOU WHILE YOU'RE EATING YOUR

TOOTSIE POP.

I'M WALKING DOWN SIXTH AVENUE

SOME GUYS LIKE, "SUCK IT!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SUCK IT, LOLLY!"

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HERE I AM ENJOYING A NOSTALGIC

LITTLE MOMENT OF MY YOUTH,

FILLED WITH SNOW CONES, PEZ AND

LOLLIPOPS.

AND A MAN TURNS IT INTO PORN.

IT'S TRUE, THOUGH, YOU CAN'T

EAT ANYTHING REMOTELY PHALLIC

WITHOUT A MAN TURNING IT INTO

PORN.

MY FRIEND WAS AT A BARBECUE

LAST YEAR, AND HE CALLED ME UP

FROM THE BARBECUE-- I AM NOT

MAKING THIS UP-- HE'S LIKE

"LYNNE, THIS GIRL WAS EATING HER

ICE CREAM LIKE SHE WANTED ME.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M EVIL.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS

FIGHTING FOR GOOD AND EVIL.

YOU DON'T KNOW, SOMETIMES EVIL

WINS.

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, GO FOR IT.

SHE TOTALLY WANTS YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN I HAD TO RELATE SO HE

WOULD REALLY BUY IT.

I'M LIKE "I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE.

SOMETIMES I'M AFRAID I MIGHT NOT

HAVE AN ICE CREAM AT MY

DISPOSAL, SO I KEEP AN EMERGENCY

BANANA IN MY HANDBAG.

AND THEN I WHIP THAT OUT,

LIKE ON THE SUBWAY OR THE

LIBRARY, SOMEWHERE APPROPRIATE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I GO DOWN ON THE 'NANA,

AND I WINK AT THE MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN WE BOTH KNOW THAT

I WANT IT, GOT TO HAVE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

WOMEN LAUGH.

LOOK AT THE MEN ARE ALL

LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "I KNEW IT."

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE TO

BELIEVE THAT WE EVEN ENJOY

DOING THAT.

IT'S SO GROSS.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO,

BREATHE OUT OF MY NOSE FOR

TWENTY MINUTES, PLEASE!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK THAT GENITALIA IS PROOF

THAT THE UNIVERSE LOVES WOMEN

MORE THAN MEN, AND I'LL TELL YOU

WHY.

'CAUSE IF YOU LOOK AT OUR STUFF,

RIGHT, GIRLS IT'S ALL, I MEAN,

IT'S ALL KIND OF GROSS,

BUT AT LEAST WITH WOMEN IT'S ALL

ORGANIZED.

IT'S LIKE GOD MADE A LITTLE

PACKET THAT'S ALL TUCKED IN WITH

LIKE HOSPITAL CORNERS AND STUFF.

AND WITH MEN IT'S LIKE

GOD STARTED TO MAKE A BOW

AND THE PHONE RANG.

IT'S ALL UNEVEN AND CRAZY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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