Jake Johannsen - Getting a Physical

Butler, Behrendt, Louis C.K. Season 2, Ep 5 05/26/1993 Views: 1,595

You get a physical just to make sure that you're going to not die. (1:19)

I'm having a greattime in New York.

Did you know before Icould host this show,

they made me get a physical.

It seemed silly tome too, at first.

-I thought maybe they- I- atfirst I thought maybe they

wanted me to take a drugtest or s- you know,

make sure I wasn'thopped up on something.

But turns out they don't care--


- --about that.

And then I thoughtmaybe they were- maybe

they were checking forsome psychological thing.

But then I realized, ifthey didn't think there was

something wrongwith my brain, why

would they hire mein the first place?


-So it turns out all they careabout is if I'm going to live

through the end of the tapingfor the next couple of weeks,

you know.

And I like to- I like to thinkthat if I'm going to drop

dead in the next coupleweeks, you could tell

just by looking at me, you know.

And apparently, that's thewhole idea of the physical,

because all the guy does islook in my eye, check my pulse,

and that's it.

I mean, a monkeywith a stethoscope

could've given me that exam.


-At lea- you figured at leasthe'd give me some pep pills

or, you know, some prescriptionbutt lotion, or something.


-You know, because we all knowthat over-the-counter butt

lotion is junk.


-But if that's allyou get, hey, at least

I didn't have to wait very long.

That's the- I hatewaiting for the doctor.

You know, you sit in theroom in your underpants

waiting for the guy.

Spend the whole time studyingthat chart of the human anatomy

with all the muscles and nervesjust so I can be sure I know

exactly where tohit the guy when

he comes in to check me out.


-Anyway, it's abouttime to bring out