Welcome to The Daily Show.
We are liveacross many channels.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
It is election night.
11:00 p.m. on the East Coast,uh, 8:00 out west.
And 9:00 a.m. tomorrow in themiddle of the Pacific Ocean,
uh, which is where we may soonwant to live.
Uh, this is it.
The end ofthe presidential race,
and, uh, it feels like theend of the world, you know?
You know, it's-it's--I'm not gonna lie,
I don't know if, I don't knowyou've come to the right place
for jokes tonight becausethis is the first time
throughout this entire race
where I'm officiallyshitting my pants.
I-I genuinely do not understand
how America can be thisdisorganized or this hateful.
I don't know which one it is,you know?
When most democraciesin the world pick a leader,
they go by, you know, who didmore people vote for?
And America makes it interestingby being like, oh, no,
let's do this electoral collegething, you know?
Tonight is all about whichcandidate, Hillary Clinton,
or Donald Trump, can winmajorities in enough states,
to get 270 electoral votes
and thereby claimthe iron throne.
And right now, honestly,I'd call it a nail biter,
if I had any nails left.
Donald Trump is doingmuch better than expected.
He's doing so much winning
that I'm tired of winning.
I cannot believe that I finallyget what that means.
He warned us about it.
I mean, right now, I don't knowif you've seen this,
the Mexican peso is crashing.
That's what's happeningto Mexico's currency,
which means if Trump does win,
Mexico can't affordto pay for that wall.
This is one of the craziestnights of my life.
We still don't knowwhat's happening,
and we're going to take youthrough it.
Every result that comes in,we will share with you.
And it's so crazy because theday started out so peacefully.
You know, Hilary and Donald wentto vote earlier today.
Uh, Trump went to votewith his wife Melania.
And this is true,
when they started filling outtheir ballots,
it looked likehe was checking to see
who Melania was voting for.
And it wasn't just Donald Trump,either.
Even his son Eric Trump waschecking his wife's ballots.
It tells you something thatthe Trump men, themselves,
weren't sure who the Trump womenwere voting for, you know?
He's like leaning over, going,
"Hey, y-you're not goingto screw us over?"
And it's like, "Oh, no, no.
We'll do to youwhat you do to women."
And like, "Oh, okay, good,okay, good, okay, good."
It was a lot easier for Hillary.
She went to vote this morning.
It is the most humbling feeling,Dan,
because, you know, I knowhow much responsibility
goes with this,and so many people
are counting on the outcomeof this election,
what it means for our country,
and I'll do the very best I can,
if I am fortunate enoughto-to win today.
You know, I-I know thisis a scary moment,
and it's, uh, too close to call,but can we just acknowledge
what an amazing moment this is
for Hillary Clintonand all women?
Can we just acknowledgethe moment...
(cheering and applause)
that we may be witnessing?
To see her name on the ballot,
possibly the firstwoman president.
Although, to be honest, like,when I watched that,
I was like, I called a littlebit of BS, you know?
When she was, like, oh,I'm humbled, I'm humbled.
That's not humbling, like,seeing your name as president.
That's, like, that's theopposite of humbling.
That's-that's like when peoplewin an Oscar, I'm humbled.
No, you're not,you won an award.
That's not humbling.
The people sitting downare humbled.
That's who's humbled.
Now, Hillary's like, no, no,I'm really humbled now.
This is...Yeah, wh-where's Trump?
Yeah, I'm very much humbled.
If half of Americans preferreda racist sunset to me,
then maybe, uh, you know?
Maybe she just wantedto use humbled
because that's a wordTrump didn't know.
I don't know what shewas doing there.
Maybe he was there, going,"I've heard rumors
"that Hillary's humbled, folks.
"I don't know what it means,
but it sounds bad,I don't know what that means."
So look, we-we are going to bemaking jokes tonight,
uh, but I can't front,I am very much afraid.
We're also going to bring youthe news as it comes in.
I've got an ear piece in my ear,all right?
They're feeding me information,everything that comes in,
and, uh, we'll be testing that,
uh, and, uh, this is,this is new to me.
I'm not used to beingan actual news anchor.
You know, uh,that's not what I do.
I had,I had this whole joke planned
where every time I told the news
I was going to put glassesand a hat on.
I was going to do this,and then...
Like, literally, this is whatI was gonna do.
And I was going to putthe glasses on,
and I was gonna be like,breaking news.
Coming in, it's breaking news,breaking news.
Now the newsis just breaking me, so...
That joke--We'll see if we feel better,
we'll try that joke later.
We'll also be getting updateson the results
from around the country from oursenior election analyst,
Roy Wood Jr., everybody.
Roy Wood Jr. joining us livein the studio.
(cheers and applause)
Roy, my dude,what can you tell us?
-Do you want to hit that?-(laughter)
-I'll hit that, man.-I'll hit that.
Oh, man, Trevor, the resultsare still coming in.
It's still a close racebetween Hillary Clinton
and this damn hot wing man.
You-you're talking aboutDonald Trump, the hot wing?
He looks like a plateof hot wings, bro.
And he gonna win, man.
I mean, look-lookat these results, man.
Let's, let's-- First of all,let's-let's start with Florida.
All right, now.Florida right now,
with 95% ofthe precincts reporting
is, thankfully, stilltoo close to call.
29 electoral votes at stake.
I don't understandwhy they can't
figure it out yet in Florida.
You telling me you serve dinnerto old people at 5:00 p.m.,
but you can't count the votestill 11:00?
I hear you, dude,I hear you.
-What the hell is taking solong? -(applause)
I feel you, man.
You know what's crazyabout Florida
is that the Hispanic turnout
has been insanely highthis year.
Oh, yeah, man,those Latino's, man,
I ain't seen Latinos this happysince Pitbull.
You know, they love Pitbull.
You know what?Even though I'm scared,
-Pitbull still makes me happy.-Yeah, he does.
He's-- I can't front,
if Pitbull walked out now
I would forget that the electionis happening.
If he just walked outand was like,
♪ Oh, no!
♪ You know you want me
♪ Ha, I know I want you.
And then I'd be like,oh, yeah, wait.
And then the club will close,and you'll be like,
Oh, yeah, Trump.
Yeah, that's exactlywhat would happen.
-Um, what else?-Uh, so Virginia.
Uh, Virginia,good news out of Virginia.
Hillary Clinton has takenVirginia with 48% of the vote.
(cheers and applause)
You know, that's very important'cause, you know,
basically she grabbed Trumpby the Virginia.
It took you a secondon that one.
Oh, but that's why I laughed,I laughed.
This is good.
Uh, with 78% of the precinctsreporting,
they are calling the stateof Ohio for Donald Trump.
That's-that's frightening'cause they say as Ohio goes,
so goes the election.
Well, you know what's scaryis that, you know,
if their racistIndian caricature
couldn't win the World Series,
this was the next best thingfor them.
-You think this is revenge?-Uh, it's got to be revenge.
You know what's reallydisappointing about Ohio, man,
is that I thought LeBron
was going to deliver thisfor Hillary.
He got out there on the stagewith her and everything.
Man, but that shows youjust how much
people in Ohio hate Hillary.
LeBron gave them a championship
-and they still.-and they still.
And they still, my friend,and they still.
All right, we're gonna keepcatching up with Roy,
with more information as we gothrough the night.
Let's go live now,to Desi Lydic,
who's actually at
the Hillary Clinton victoryparty in Manhattan.
Desi, how is everything there?
Everything's fine, Trevor.
Why wouldn't everything be fine?
We will just have to waita little bit longer
than expected to find outif America prefers
a competent, sane woman,or a misogynist troll doll.
Somehow, it's still too closeto call.
I don't know why.
I love troll dolls;I love them.
They're so cute, like,with the hair and the...
Yeah, okay, it's not aboutthe troll doll, Trevor.
I know. I was just trying to...
Okay, uh, Desi, are you,are you fine right now?
Yeah. No. Yeah. Absolutely.
I am very optimist, that,by the end of the night,
a bare minimum of Americanswill have decided
that the Presidentof the United States
should not be sworn into office
by placing his hand on a pussy.
Listen, at this point,I don't even mind
if Hillary Clintonwins by one vote,
and Donald Trump goes backto his full time job
of trying to bang his daughter.
Wow. All right, Desi.
Uh, I feel your pain.
Thanks for keeping us updated.
We've got more.
Let's go out to Jordan Klepper
over at Trump'selection night party.
Jordan, Trump's havinga pretty strong night.
What do you make of that?
Uh, I don't know.
Yeah, I'd love to have somethingcute to say about this,
but I got to be honest,I kind of assumed
Hillary would havelocked it up by now,
so I didn't reallyprepare anything
for this alternativehorrifying scenario.
So, uh, back to you!
Jordan, out of, out of everyone,
I trusted you to be theprofessional one about this.
Surely, like, surely youprepared something.
Did not, Trevor.I was not ready.
Uh, it turns out, even TeamTrump wasn't ready for this.
No one in this building
actually thought Trumpmight be president.
This whole party was supposedto be for his defeat.
They can't pivot now.
All the balloons they have,they bought,
they already said"It's rigged" on them.
His supporters are freaking out.
Trump locked himselfin the bathroom,
and his aides are goingthrough the crowd
asking peopleif they have any ideas
for something betterthan Obama care.
Look, Jordan,I know you're shocked,
but realities have to be facedat some point.
Maybe, maybe there are somepositives to focus on.
Okay, positives...You're right, positives.
Uh, let's lookon the bright side.
You know that lie we tell kids,you could be president?
-It's true, now.-(laughter)
Literally anyonecan be president!
(cheering and applause)
It helps if you have a penis.
I guess you found the brightside there, Jordan.
Uh, no, no,it didn't work, Trevor.
I just feel confusedand sad and angry.
Tonight it feels like my countryis being taken away from me.
I look around and I see allthese people
who are so different than meand I just get scared.
I mean, why can't we just goback to the way
this country was, you know,like, six hours ago?
We have to mobilizeand kick these monsters
out of Washington.
We have to rejectTrump's message
and make America great again.
-You do realize you sound...-I just heard
that I just said that, yes.
Well, well, stay strong, Jordan.Thank you so much.
Jordan Klepper, everybody,Jordan Klepper.
(cheers and applause)
Can you believe legit, Roy, thatthis is where we are, man?
You know what, you know whattonight feels like, man?
It feels like, like,the funeral for America.
-That's what it feels like.-It feels like a eulogy.
You're hoping that America'sgonna knock on the coffin,
and be like, nah, I'm good.
I ain't dead, yet, mother.
Like, that's whatI'm hoping happens.
We're hoping for that.